It is a challenge when you bring family into a relationship when an individual doesn’t respect or even acknowledge boundaries. But remember you can set boundaries with any aspect of your life.
Family dynamics are – well – dynamic. Everyone has different personalities, thoughts, beliefs, and responses to situations. Differences are wonderful. Life would be painfully boring if we were all the same. Having differences is beautiful, but that doesn’t mean you should accept anything other than respect. Don’t make excuses for your families – I know it's easier said than done. We’ve all been there; it is easy to only want to look at the positives from our family members.
Romantic relationships come with their own struggles; family tends to land high on the list. There are reasons for that: a top one is your significant other not loving your family as much as you do. Or maybe you don’t get along with them either. It is a challenge when you bring family into a relationship when an individual doesn’t respect or even acknowledge boundaries.
Have you experienced this before? Are you currently in this situation? It can feel overwhelming and even unbearable. You. Are. Not. Alone. And it isn’t your fault. Repeat that to yourself as many times as you need.
What does boundary stomping look like?
When you set boundaries for others and they cross them, they are boundary stomping. Is boundary stomping okay? No. There is never a situation where it’s okay. It comes in many forms. You can set boundaries with any aspect of your life. Some common ones are your time, information, space, body, belongings, energy, mental health, and children.
I do not want my child to eat candy today while in your care. Still gives your child candy, after you set the boundary.
I don’t want our engagement picture on Facebook yet. Places your picture on their Facebook anyways.
Please do not come into our home without discussing with us first. Continues to use the spare key you gave them for emergencies anytime they want.
I don’t want others to know this information. They tell others knowing you set a clear boundary not to.
I will not be able to come to your house this weekend. Speaks with your partner repeatedly, trying multiple forms of manipulation to make you feel guilty about your decision.
I prefer not to give hugs when we leave. They continue to try to hug you.
Saying No. They won’t accept no for any reason – although you don’t need to back up why you are saying no. When it comes to boundary setting, “No” is a full sentence.
How do I set boundaries?
All the statements above are boundaries. You should be setting these with your friends, family, and coworkers. If you already are, great! If not, now is the time to get started. For some, this may be out of your comfort zone. Practice saying them to yourself or your partner, have any idea of what you’d like to set, and do it! Even writing them down or typing them out are great ways to get used to saying the.
I set boundaries; they were ignored. Now what?
A person that doesn’t respect your boundaries, or your partners, typically uses manipulation to make you feel bad about the boundaries you are creating. They feel they are losing control and get upset when boundaries are set. They will use excuses, manipulation, and gaslighting to make you feel you are in the wrong, don’t love them, and guilty. It is a toxic relationship, and while they may make you feel crazy, remember you are not. You have the right to set any boundaries that you want.
If they stomp, you can have a discussion with them. Reinforce your boundary, give a clear statement of what will happen if they stomp on it again. It can be we will no longer give you any details of our life or we will no longer be coming to your house until you respect our boundaries.
Continue to set healthy boundaries – and stick to them to create a happier, less stressful life. You’ve got this.