Setting Boundaries with Extended Family

It is a challenge when you bring family into a relationship when an individual doesn’t respect or even acknowledge boundaries. But remember you can set boundaries with any aspect of your life.

Family dynamics are – well – dynamic. Everyone has different personalities, thoughts, beliefs, and responses to situations. Differences are wonderful. Life would be painfully boring if we were all the same. Having differences is beautiful, but that doesn’t mean you should accept anything other than respect. Don’t make excuses for your families – I know it's easier said than done. We’ve all been there; it is easy to only want to look at the positives from our family members.

Romantic relationships come with their own struggles; family tends to land high on the list. There are reasons for that: a top one is your significant other not loving your family as much as you do. Or maybe you don’t get along with them either. It is a challenge when you bring family into a relationship when an individual doesn’t respect or even acknowledge boundaries.

Have you experienced this before? Are you currently in this situation? It can feel overwhelming and even unbearable. You. Are. Not. Alone. And it isn’t your fault. Repeat that to yourself as many times as you need.

What does boundary stomping look like?

When you set boundaries for others and they cross them, they are boundary stomping. Is boundary stomping okay? No. There is never a situation where it’s okay. It comes in many forms. You can set boundaries with any aspect of your life. Some common ones are your time, information, space, body, belongings, energy, mental health, and children. 

• I do not want my child to eat candy today while in your care. Still gives your child candy, after you set the boundary.

• I don’t want our engagement picture on Facebook yet. Places your picture on their Facebook anyways.

• Please do not come into our home without discussing with us first. Continues to use the spare key you gave them for emergencies anytime they want.

• I don’t want others to know this information. They tell others knowing you set a clear boundary not to.

• I will not be able to come to your house this weekend. Speaks with your partner repeatedly, trying multiple forms of manipulation to make you feel guilty about your decision.

• I prefer not to give hugs when we leave. They continue to try to hug you.

• Saying No. They won’t accept no for any reason – although you don’t need to back up why you are saying no. When it comes to boundary setting, “No” is a full sentence.

How do I set boundaries?

All the statements above are boundaries. You should be setting these with your friends, family, and coworkers. If you already are, great! If not, now is the time to get started. For some, this may be out of your comfort zone. Practice saying them to yourself or your partner, have any idea of what you’d like to set, and do it! Even writing them down or typing them out are great ways to get used to saying the.

I set boundaries; they were ignored. Now what?

A person that doesn’t respect your boundaries, or your partners, typically uses manipulation to make you feel bad about the boundaries you are creating. They feel they are losing control and get upset when boundaries are set. They will use excuses, manipulation, and gaslighting to make you feel you are in the wrong, don’t love them, and guilty. It is a toxic relationship, and while they may make you feel crazy, remember you are not. You have the right to set any boundaries that you want.

If they stomp, you can have a discussion with them. Reinforce your boundary, give a clear statement of what will happen if they stomp on it again. It can be we will no longer give you any details of our life or we will no longer be coming to your house until you respect our boundaries.  

Continue to set healthy boundaries – and stick to them to create a happier, less stressful life. You’ve got this.

Tips on Keeping the Connection

Babe, can you…? Hey did you…? What time is…? 

Does this sound familiar? Is this what your typical conversations sound like with your spouse? You are not alone! Communication can easily become business. Juggling life is busy. Amid the chaos, things get lost. An incredibly important thing – your connection. 

Excellent news, you both can improve it with a little time and effort. Reconnecting doesn’t have to be huge grand gestures – as much as we love them. Little things like a love note or making your spouse’s lunch can go a long way. Your marriage is one of the most important relationships, keeping your connection should be a priority. Need ideas? Look no further, check these out to get you started on your reconnection journey!

• Pillow talk. Ah, yes! Laying in bed, snuggling not only sounds relaxing -it will help tremendously. Slowing down and taking the time to talk will grow your connection. Sharing your day, your stresses, and your victories will provide closeness and a deeper understanding of your spouse. Learn them again.

• Eye contact. Make a point to take time for eye contact a few times a day. When you find yourself cooking dinner together, take one minute of uninterrupted eye contact. Okay, but why do I feel more connected after? Our eyes have oxytocin receptors in them, releasing the love hormone. Get that love hormone flowing. If you find extra time on your hands, try doing five minutes uninterrupted. How do you feel?

• Dates. I know, I know. Date nights are constantly mentioned. There is a reason why, it is essential to take the time for one on one. It’s where you have time to reconnect without distractions. Go on that date to your favorite place or experience a new hangout together. Continue to grow your existing connection. When life is busy, time is hard to come by, but you both deserve it.

• Small actions. If you can do small actions of love often, you will see a difference in your relationship. You will naturally feel closer to your partner. Write that love note, give them a massage, wash their car, and say a compliment. Help grow the love you started, and never stop dating them.

• Share interests. Stay active with your spouse. Talk about individual and shared interests. Take turns trying each other’s interests with them. It is an exceptional way to have fun while building your connection. You never know what fun you and your spouse will find! Give playing a guitar a go, try new hiking spots, learn coding, or take up volleyball. Get adventurous.

Take time right now. Go do a love action for your spouse!

Finding Yourself in Your Marriage

You’ve lost yourself. You don’t know how or when it even happened. Someone asks you a simple question and it dawns on you – what do I like? Is being my family’s coordinator even count as a hobby? You couldn’t tell someone what you enjoy these days. Your life revolves around your family, your career, your marriage. Your life doesn’t just belong to you anymore. 

That doesn’t mean that you aren’t happy, but just missing a piece of it. As much as you adore your family and doing acts of love for them, you have forgotten who you are. There are ways to improve the emptiness you may feel after this realization. 

As parents, employees, and spouses; we find ourselves racing against the clock to complete our tasks just in time to begin the same cycle the very next day. It does get exhausting, however, possibly it is partly because we forget to live in the moments. We fail to prioritize our own hobbies and enjoy everyday responsibilities. 

Live in the moment

Don’t forget to love life! Yes, even the things you have to do. Finding ways to enhance your daily duties helps you enjoy life more and you’ll reconnect with yourself. Yes, your relationship with yourself is as important as other relationships. Have fun with yourself. You already must do them, so why not improve them! You could:

• Make a new friend.

• Light your favorite candle.

• Try new food on your lunch.

• Take the stairs instead of the elevator.

• Dance in the rain, or just dance regardless of the weather.

• Listen to music in your car and while you clean your house.

• Take a different drive to work to explore and appreciate the world around you.

Try different ideas to switch it up until you find what works for you. Being able to have fun while getting things done, will help you find happiness. You spend most of your time, doing these duties. Can you imagine how much happiness you’ll add to your life if you find a way to enjoy them? 

Hobbies

Now, next in line is to prioritize your own hobbies. Pick up previous hobbies you loved before your marriage. Or if you can’t think of any, sample hobbies. That’s right! Try a little bit of everything, the most important part is to make time. It is a priority, so schedule it in. Some ideas to get you started:

• Writing

• Painting

• Camping

• Wine tasting

• Make your own candles

• Hit up the gym

• Board games

• Gardening

• Road trips

• Hiking

While you can do these with your spouse to continue your connection, it will benefit you to do some on your own. It is important to learn yourself and what you like, you will be happier bringing your newfound positivity into your marriage. 

Where will you take yourself? Happy rediscovery!

Top 5 Reasons Why You Need A Marriage Counselor

1. Communication and comprehension issues. Communication struggles are typically apparent, everything ends in an argument with no progress made. Marriage counseling can help give you the ability to communicate effectively. Beyond communication issues, is comprehension. Often, we hear the words that our partner is saying, but are we comprehending them? Learning how to process what is said and how to respond healthily is key to a lifelong, happy marriage. Everyone can benefit from effective communication and comprehension skills with every relationship and aspect of their life. 

2. Differences come in all shapes and sizes. Differences from financial views, personality traits, intimacy, how to raise children, and compromises. Every relationship in your life will have differences. That is okay. What is not okay is judging or negatively responding to your partner on those differences. Counseling can help you and your partner work through differences as a team, making you a stronger couple and navigate tough topics. 

3. Past healing. One partner has been hurt. Pain has no timeframe and will not go away on its own. Trauma from last week to years ago must be properly worked through and processed for those lingering feelings of pain and betrayal to fade. Healing is essential to moving on and having a healthy, happy marriage. Marriage counseling provides vital tools to continue to grow as individuals and a couple.  

4. Preventative. Marriage counseling is about growth, development, and providing lifelong tools to give yourself the best life. Attending marriage counseling doesn’t mean that you don’t love each other or that you have a marriage needing saving. Many individuals want the best for themselves and their partner, marriage counseling does just that. 

5. One partner wants a divorce. Commonly, couples will try marriage counseling as a last effort to save their marriage. Before making your final decision on divorce, marriage counseling can be beneficial if both partners participate. Counseling is excellent at working through past trauma, differences, and underlying issues to work on communication and healthy healing. Give it a try!

Happy growth and development as an individual and partnership!

Balancing Marriage & Career

Whose career should come first?

You are here. You’re at the point where you find yourself balancing many responsibilities and determining whose career comes first. 

As a career-driven married mother of four children ages five and under, I wear endless amounts of hats myself. Finding harmony and balance can be a challenging task. 

Juggling work demands, being a spouse, maintaining a running home, and possibly being an active parent can have anyone worn out. Let’s change your responsibilities from negative to positive. Take a deep breath and work towards tranquility. Removing stress by finding solutions and a plan. 

Finding peace in your marriage and career

Peace can be a glorious thing, that might appear so far away. Drop all expectations you have about what you should be doing. Yes, you read that right. Stop finding yourself comparing yourself to others. Seeing all that they do and how they do it to be “successful”. Finding what works for you and your family will be key to having a healthy balance. No one relationship and family life are the same, not everything works for everyone. Stop comparing and start preparing. 

Taking a deeper look

What makes you, your spouse, and your family happy? Think about what you can do to find a healthy balance while respecting each other’s passions. Be supportive and compromise. What is your family’s goal? Determine that and work towards it.

Whose career should come first?

Both careers are equally important. Sit down with your spouse to work out how to change your current struggles. Is it a scheduling issue, a financial issue? Once you have noted each other’s issues, come up with solutions together, both compromising. 

Recognize: Determine what the issues are.

Solution: Find the solutions through respect and compromise.

Planning: Write down your family’s plan, giving everyone a deep understanding of the end goal and how to handle career-related situations.

Execution: Follow through with the plan, discussing changes with each other as needed.

Celebrate: As with any important accomplishment, it is important to determine the effect and work that you’ve both completed! So go out to dinner, go dancing, go skiing, or on a mini-vacation. You both deserve it!

The planning process

Cook that delicious dinner together or grab your favorite grub. Sit down and brainstorm while enjoying each other’s company. Ask the tough questions. Work towards those answers. Find a balance, a compromise. 

This is your important family meeting time. Settle all the disagreements: who can work late when, who is picking up the children when. Come up with an emergency plan. They come in handy when you are supposed to work late, and your spouse absolutely must stay late unexpectedly. Who is picking up the kids? Always expect the unexpected and have a plan. 

Your goals can change how your family determines responsibilities and schedules. 

If the family’s goals are financial, then you may both decide that career decisions favor that career. In this situation, the spouse making less would not work overtime when the other spouse can. 

If the family’s goals are supporting both careers, you both need to compromise and work out a schedule you both will benefit from.

Have these family meetings a few times a month to keep everyone on track. Remember what works for others may not work for your family. Adjust your plan as you go and take a deep breath when life doesn’t go as planned. Life loves those curveballs, remember all will be marvelous with communication and support of both spouses. 

Executing the career plan

On the day to day, it is difficult to stay on the plan. It is important to know that for this to be successful, you must respect each other and continue to compromise. A majority of this is to actively make decisions that benefit the family as a unit, not you as an individual. Do check-ins with each other. If something comes up at work, call your spouse. Quickly discuss it and come up with solutions as you go. 

Happy dream chasing and celebrating every accomplishment!