“Charles and Monica, sitting in a tree. K.I.S.S.I.N.G. First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes baby in a baby carriage” Talk about illegitimate expectations!
Many of us grew up blushing beet-red at the idea of anyone taunting us with this seemingly harmless nursery rhyme. For some, that is the general path that their story takes. The parts are mixed up for others, and the order gets rearranged, but eventually, they stick the landing. What happens, though, when our young impressionable brains tell us that these three parts: Love, Marriage, and a Baby, must be present for us to be complete? What happens when you get to “level two” only to find out that that is where the story will end?
The answer to these questions will vary, depending on the couple. One thing is for sure, for most women experiencing infertility is devastating, especially if they’re married. This is only made worse by the crippling insecurities and fears that come along with it.
Picture a couple, young and in love, ready to begin a new life together. There is an age difference of ten (10) years between bride and groom, with the bride being the older of the two. The mother-in-law cautions the groom that there is a real possibility that they will not have children naturally. But the groom, at 30 years old, decides that he loves her as she is and doesn’t care whether they can have children or not.
The years go by, and despite their best efforts, the wife cannot get pregnant. Insecurities start setting in, and jealousy takes a seat in her heart.
“I wish I could have a baby. I know how happy it will make him.”
“I’m sorry that I can’t give you what you want.”
“He’s young and handsome, and I know there are many who want to throw themselves at him. Would he ever…”
Her mind begins to wander, and her confidence in her husband and, worse yet, herself begins to fade.
On the other hand, the husband tries to assure her that, while he wants to have a child, he knew it was always possible that they would not, and he was okay with it. It takes years, but eventually, he convinces her that he is happy with it being just them.
It isn’t easy for him, though. He meets women who offer to bear him children, and while he would never leave his wife, the temptation is sometimes overwhelming, and he finds himself saddened by the fact that they can’t have children.
The combination of his wandering eyes and her wandering mind inevitably puts an unbearable strain on their marriage. His frequent business trips cause her stress, and knowing that his wife, the woman he loves, does not trust him makes him insecure.
This is the power of the mind. In reality, the husband is satisfied with his wife, and the wife is satisfied with him, but they have both convinced themselves that their shortcomings make them undesirable to the person that loves them the most. Eventually, they seek help and get to a place of acceptance. They discuss but decide against adoption and ultimately go on to enjoy a full and happy marriage.
It is important if we find ourselves in a situation where infertility is an issue that we remember these key things.
• Your spouse is your partner, not your enemy
• Acknowledge the insecurities on both sides.
• Acknowledge the wandering mind.
• Call into focus the wandering mind.
• Discuss the solution that is best for you.
There are many “solutions” to the issue of infertility. You may find one that works for you or, like our couple here, decide that you don’t want to move forward with any of them.
Whatever you decide to do, especially if it’s to be childfree, be sure that it is a decision, that you make together, and from a place of love.