Sometimes I just stare at myself in the mirror. I have a full-length one in the bedroom and there are days when I’ll just stand there and touch my stomach. “How would I look pregnant,” I often wonder.
At age 36, I thought I would be chasing around two children, rushing to play dates, and reading bedtime stories by now. I really thought I had everything all figured out in life until a fertility doctor diagnosed my husband and I with unexplained infertility. “How could this happen to me,” I cried out once. The news hit me hard especially when everyone around me seemed to get pregnant with ease. Besides it’s not like expensive In-Vitro Fertilization treatments are an option but I’ve had several Intrauterine inseminations. Unfortunately, each one failed.
As a woman, often questioned about my “childless” status, I’ve always felt the need to avoid people with children. I’m also known for changing the subject when people casually ask, “Why don’t you have any children?” There are moments when I’m truly left speechless, and imagining myself staring at my stomach again in the mirror. This time, rubbing a perfectly round belly but then reality hits and I quietly reply with anything just to get the attention off me. However, you should know each time I avoided those questions, I felt weak. I would become sad and start to hate myself and situation.
It wasn’t until I gradually started to force myself to be truthful about my infertility journey that I began to regain my internal strength. Today, I still struggle and only choose certain people to share intimate details about my fertility challenges. However, I’m learning to cope by not hiding that part of my life. It’s not easy and I don’t think I’ll ever feel comfortable opening up to family, friends and those curious about my “childless” status.
One of my biggest fears is that people will gossip about my truth and or use it against me. Personally, unexplained infertility is a constant reminder that my life isn’t perfect. In fact, this particular chapter was never a part of my dreams. But surprisingly, I wouldn’t change my situation for the world. As I continue to grow, I’m certainly thankful for this experience mostly because it opened my eyes to the “Trying to Conceive” community, introducing me to a group of men and women that keeps me strong through their endurance, hope and support.
My advice: START ASKING how you can comfort and help women like myself better deal with infertility and most importantly, be a friend.