I used to pray for my period to come on. Nowadays, I look forward to being late. Maybe if I stop tracking my ovulation days and just relax then one day I'll get pregnant. But relaxing is the hardest part. Every single month during my menstrual cycle, I can't help but to think about the amount of eggs I'm losing. It doesn't help either when you're reminded by your gynecologist that age isn't on your side as your birthday rolls around year after year.
Right now, I'm face to face with the age 37 and my husband is practically staring at forty. My younger self never gave thought to what it takes to get pregnant but today that's certainly not the case. The only eggs I want in my life right now are fertilized ones.
It's funny how you worry about your body as it ages. Who would have thought my reproductive system or eggs would be a concern after dodging pregnancy in the past. Life has a way of teaching us that you're not always in control. I can't complain though. Maybe the lesson for me is patience. What I thought would be the easiest thing to do turned out to be the most challenging life experience. It's to the point that I find myself questioning whether or not having a baby is something I truly want. Yes, infertility is truly an emotional roller coaster which has forced me to look in the mirror during this journey. A journey where fertilized eggs are possible and being an older parent may just be the new norm. After all age is nothing but a number.