Infertility and one more shot to beat it.

Watching another couple’s journey to beat infertility is like looking in the mirror. The testing, fertility treatments, secrecy, shame, expense, ovulation kits, negative pregnancy tests and tears were all an immediate reminder of infertility and a journey I’d never thought would be a part of my story. In the U.S, one in 8 couples have trouble conceiving a child. That means at least a year of trying to conceive with no results. The experience sometimes leads to troubling times for couples due to the stress of pregnancy false alarms and the overwhelming number of baby shower invitations flooding your mail box.

One More Shot not only documents the raw side of infertility, it inspires the couple who may have thought of parenting only as birthing a child with their own biology. The film, which is centered around Noah Moskin and his wife, Maya also brings fertility once again to the forefront. I can’t tell you how many times, I lied to people just to hide the fact that my husband and I were having trouble getting pregnant. I felt alone, even with my husband by my side.

Unfortunately, infertility feels like a curse. There are short moments of hope until your menstrual cycle begins. Once that happens, you immediately start to question why it’s happening to you. Today, more people know about our struggle but it doesn’t fix the hurt I often feel when someone announces their pregnancy. My stomach cramps up each time I get the news that most are often excited about. For myself, those announcements make me feel as if I’m being teased, bullied and laughed at. No matter how the news is delivered.... it’s triggers an ugly side of me that only my husband is fortunate to see.

However, the personal accounts of those brave couples in One More Shot reminds us all that we’re not alone.  I especially love how the men shared their feelings, showing us a side that’s underrepresented in media.

In short, the film confirms that infertility can be defeated whether it’s through In Vitro Fertilization, adoption, surrogacy, as well as embryo or sperm donation. The movie in my opinion is award winning and has encouraged my husband and I to also give it One More Shot.

To see the film for yourself or recommend couples experiences fertility challenges, it’s available right now on iTunes.

Childless? Follow these instructions.

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One relationship fertile and infertile women often experience

What does it feel like to miss you for just one month? I want to know. What does it feel like to not cater to the pain you bring me? You take everything from me including my energy whenever you're around. I'm never myself. Actually I'm moody and you bring out the worst in me. I just want you to leave me alone for one month. Is that too much to ask? Actually nine months, that's all I need.

We met when I was 16 years old. I was over my grandparents house and sitting on their sofa just as happy as I could be and glued to the television. Then you came along. Who knew that one visit would turn into more than two decades together. Twenty-one years later, you're still around and it looks like you're not going anywhere. I've tried to make you leave on more than one occasion as well as my husband but you're tough.  I must say I never imagined that it would be this hard to get rid of you.

I'll never forget the moment I thought you finally got the hint. It was the summer of 2012. I felt sexy and confident about myself. I was hopeful and no matter how many times you upset me I tried to be in a good place. A few times the thought of you made me feel a little uncomfortable but I remained positive and had my mind set that we weren't going to see each other. The thought brought me joy. I even started to daydream about what things would be like without you. I was afraid to tell my friends about us. It was too early to share the news. I was advised to wait two weeks but then you came back. It was Day 12 and I was just getting excited to begin a new chapter in my life. Unfortunately, I suddenly fell sick. I became extremely nauseous.

That's when you reminded me……I'm not pregnant and will never have control over my relationship with my menstrual cycle.

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Childless and on trial.....

Many women whether childless by choice or those struggling with infertility often feel pressure from others to have a baby just to feel normal. Some questions or comments are rude even if they don't come from ill-intentions.

According to the American Society for Reproductive Medicine (ASRM), 1 in 8 couples have trouble getting pregnant or sustaining a pregnancy. In fact, researchers say one-third of infertility is attributed to the female partner, one-third attributed to the male partner and one-third is caused by a combination of problems in both partners or, is unexplained.

It's natural to want to catch up with a friend, or spark up a conversation with a co-worker especially if they're married. We're told first comes love, then comes marriage, and later a baby carriage. But that's not always the case for couples.

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Infertility gave me a purpose

Nearly five years later and still no baby. I hold up well most days. It's a life I had to get used to even though every once in awhile a pregnancy announcement takes me back to the period where I was desperate to have a baby.

Some couples really get creative with their pregnancy announcements. Then there's the couple that blurt out the joyful news. 

"I'm pregnant," I shouted in my head. Is that how I would deliver the news? At one time I used to daydream about how I would announce my pregnancy.  Those wishful moments kept me encouraged when I was trying to conceive.  Whatever the case, if I had the opportunity I would prefer to be creative with the announcement instead of blurting it out. 

Recently, that's exactly what happened to me. A friend during a phone conversation just randomly said, "I'm expecting another baby." I was caught off guard.  The soft outburst made me freeze, immediately causing my stomach to tighten and I quietly became filled with sadness. It was a feeling I haven't felt in awhile. Inwardly I screamed, "Why is this my life?"  

In a matter of seconds, I snapped back to reality and realized my friend was still on the phone. The silence may have confused her but I needed that moment before I replied, "That's great news. I'm so happy for you."  Three years earlier, my friend experienced fertility challenges. She eventually conceived naturally after a series of treatments. Now, she's pregnant with her second child. Again she conceived naturally after seeking fertility help. 

So many things were going through my mind during that phone call. I wanted to immediately end the conversation or at least scream to the top of my lungs to blow off steam.  I managed to stay on the phone though and smile but as soon as that call ended I went into deep thought. I began asking myself a series of questions. 

"Do you want children? Why do you want children? Are you seriously okay without having any children? What would your life be like right now if you achieved what you prayed for five years ago," are just a few of the questions that I've asked myself.  

Then it hit me. My infertility journey has changed me for the better. It has given me purpose and drive to encourage other women. In fact, I'm still learning too. The lesson is mostly about patience something that I truly lack at times. It's teaching me to think about other people and not myself which is often challenging for me. It's also teaching me that crying is normal and to be human around others. 

The truth is, my fertility challenges still takes me on an emotional roller coaster. The ride is ongoing but I wouldn't have it no other way. 

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5 easy steps to making a baby

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Childless doesn't mean sadness

There's nothing like feeling good and confident. I like to hold my head high when I walk. Sometimes I even like to flip my hair and look back at my life and smile. When I'm happy, I make sure I showcase my pearly whites.  Believe it not even as I struggle with unexplained infertility, I still manage to laugh, live and keep moving. I'm 5'3 but when my mood is good, I feel like a super model, strutting down the runway. Why not? It wasn't always this way though. I'm strong today because of those around me. However, every so often I have to fight to keep my happiness and even convince others that I'm in a good place. "No I don't want to hear what you believe is in my future," I shout inwardly as I roll my eyes each time I'm approached by someone who claims they know a baby is in my future.

I pick and choose who I decide to share my story with because I have trust issues when it comes to being completely transparent.  I don’t’ want to be reminded of things or have what I say thrown back in my face. But that’s what happened one day. I decided to open up to a friend. We’re like sisters and it felt good because I no longer had to dodge baby questions or pretend I was okay around her. However, during one of my happy moments, I received a phone call and it was from my dear friend. “Hey sis, I want to tell you something,” she said. I became excited and of course rushed her to share what was on her chest. “I was on the bus today and saw a woman who reminded me of you.  She was your twin and holding a baby boy,” she said.  Confused and not sure where she was going with the news, I quickly said, “Okay, I’m listening.” That’s when she shared that she believed the woman holding the baby was a sign and confirmation for her that I would be a mother of a baby boy. I began to become annoyed and immediately regretted opening up. Somehow, I smiled though and managed to share with her that it was nice she thought of me but not to feel sad about my situation or the need to give me false hope or happiness.

There’s something about women without children that make people think you need a hug, sympathy or my favorite unsolicited advice on how to get pregnant. I don’t walk around with my head hanging low, I'm strutting down the runway because I've already cried over my situation and my tears have run dry. "Trust me, I'm fine," I find myself saying this to others as they tear up when I share my story.

My thought is that it's not the end of the world. My family just looks different from yours. It's just my husband and I for now. Instead of children, I have a spoiled cat. So don't feel sorry for me, just be a friend and a good listener.  I’m childless and full of life.

Question: What kind of reaction do you get from people after sharing your fertility challenges?

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Conquering infertility

 "Yes, let's have a baby," I shouted with excitement. That was four years ago. I realized that as I drove my 4 year-old niece to my best friend's daughter birthday party. So many things raced across my mind then especially when I met one parent. She looked older but fit as she juggled two children at the gathering. The woman had a 1 year-old boy and 5 year-old girl. I was drawn to this particular parent mostly because of her age. Majority of the women I know became mothers in their early twenties and today they still look young with their teenage children. However, I knew that wasn't the case for this slender woman who appeared to be older with a very young spirit.  A spirit that I believed wasn't possible for women who had children late. I've come across so many self-proclaimed fertility experts that have been more discouraging than encouraging once they learn of my age. As I stared at this woman, I began to think that could be me. It was at that moment, I began to feel a sense of joy.

Fascinated with this woman's energy, I asked my friend about the woman.  "She's 44 years-old," my friend answered without hesitation. It's like my friend was reading my mind.  "That's seven years older than me," I said with amazement to myself. It was like my hope was suddenly restored.  I'm often back and forth when it comes to children because of my age. In fact, I feel like some days I should let go until I meet older parents who share their positive experiences.

Today, is a good day and I feel hopeful about what the future has in store for me.  Even if it's not motherhood, my hope is that others are encouraged as they continue to cope with their fertility challenges.  It's really important for those who conquer infertility to remain supportive as well and I can see myself doing just that even if my journey leads to motherhood.  In a weird way, I feel like infertility is my calling, and giving me a purpose. One thing is definitely not an option and that's losing hope.  

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Be someone's rock!

Just when I thought I was healed, the pain came back. It's always in my lower stomach and it feels as if someone is ripping through it. The gut wrenching pain is like no other pain I've experienced before. It used to come often especially when someone announced their pregnancy. At one time, everyone around me was popping up pregnant. Some who struggled with infertility and others were women who expressed no desire to have children. The announcements were destroying me physically and mentally. Thoughts of running away would come across my mind but I would always ask myself, "Where would I go?"

On the outside, I appear to have everything together. I'm married, a successful career woman and living in a working class community with a lot of land. Too much for a former city couple especially my husband who doesn't like spending hours on landscaping. "I can't blame him but the job must get done," I often express to others. However, deep inside, my heart hurts every time it beats. I feel useless some moments, usually during times when I'm forced to face my "childless" status. Pregnancy announcements remind me of my struggle with unexplained infertility. My husband and I tried consistently for about two years but pretty much given up hope and stopped trying for the last three years.  I was told, "That's when it will finally happen, the moment your mind is free and not thinking about children."

 "But is that true or something we tell others to help them cope," I wonder at times. I never thought those gut wrenching pains would come back because I thought I was healed after a flood of pregnancy announcements over the past few years. Unfortunately, I'm not and I guess I'm still learning to cope. Infertility is a daily struggle that I've somehow suppressed. In my community, women just don't talk about it. But from this point, I'm learning that I should and will talk.

Last night, my husband and I talked about our family planning journey for the first time in months. We've said inappropriate things and even shared a long stretch of laughter afterwards. That may not be the answer for couples but it certainly felt good to us. The bottom line is I want to heal and get to a point when I'm genuinely happy when expecting mothers share their good news.  Several celebrities have broken the silence on infertility and it's a step in the right direction but there's more work to be done. There are still too many women dealing with fertility challenges in silence in an environment where we are individually looked at as less of woman.

Yes, women are loving, strong, beautiful and our bodies are made to handle a growing baby for nine months. We're also, emotional, sensitive and in some cases in need of strength from others to stay strong.

With that said, I urge all women to please be someone's rock.

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Focus..........

The softest skin you'll ever touch and sweetest aroma you'll ever smell. That's what comes across my mind when I think of a baby.  The thought of being someone's protector, and comforter tickles me. I guess because in my mind I really would be a very great mother. The simple thought keeps me going especially when I start to obsess over children, think of baby names and pre-plan the most glamous baby shower in my head. I once thought becoming a mother would complete me. 

Then there's the thought that makes me wonder what makes me great without children? I often struggle with that question partly because of my fertility challenges. It's like a deep scar that I'd like to think is healing.  Unfortunately, fertility challenges have changed me, at least a part of my life where being ugly became my norm. It's no excuse but because of it I started to dislike almost everything around me, even pushing good people away. It's so easy to fall into a depression and count the things that go wrong. Instead of focusing on how great of a mother I believe I can be, maybe it's about time I shift my attention to bettering myself.  "How can I fully be the best mom ever, when infertility has brought out the worst in me," I've asked myself.  "Why do I have to wait for a child to love and how could birthing one make me the best person/mother when I have such a bad attitude," are two other questions I've posed. 

The truth is I don't have to wait until I become a mother and becoming one will not autimatically turn me into a more loving person. In fact, it won't work for anyone. Although infertility is no walk in the park, maybe it's a challenge for us to better ourselves, demonstrate patience or a reminder to not take things for granted.  I just might be tasked with achieving all three. Ha! 

Whatever you're struggling with, never think for one moment that your life is incomplete without a child, significant other or anything else. Start to train your mind to see the good in your situation. As for what makes me great now..... my blessings are just too many to count and so are yours. 

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