How to Date When You're Childfree Not By Choice

Enter each relationship honestly, being true to yourself, and keeping your eyes wide open.

For many women, dating is already an Olympic sport. Going through the dating process with candidates who appear to be one person only to transform into someone else later down the line is exhausting. The dating pool can seem extremely shallow at times, while you may find yourself jumping into the deep end at other times. The long and short of it all is that dating is an often complicated process.

This process, however, is further complicated by fertility challenges such as PCOS, hormonal imbalance, and infertility. Many women were raised to aspire to motherhood. It has gotten to a place where the value of a woman is hinged on her ability to “give her husband a child.” The effect of this is not an assumption. Many women admittedly tick “relationship goals” boxes; however, when the issue of marriage and children is raised, and the truth is revealed, they find themselves alone… again.

Take, for example, a young Christian woman in her late teenage years who has struggled her whole life with Polycystic Ovary Syndrome (PCOS). This is made worse by an earlier misdiagnosis and the administration of the wrong medication. As she approaches her 20s, she is told that if she does not have a child before she turns 25 years old, the maternity window will slam shut for her for good.

This young woman, we’ll call her Jane Doe, desperately wants a child, but she has two main problems. One, she is not married, and it goes against her beliefs to have a child outside of marriage, and two, she lives with her parents, who share her faith.

The shame of her medical condition is so overwhelming that she decides not to tell her family, and she also decides that she is willing to go against what she believes in. This makes her miserable, but she convinces herself that if she can get a child at the end of it all, then it will be worth it. She becomes sexually active with her boyfriend, who is much older than she is and ready to start a family.

Eventually, she moves out of her parents' house, and their relationship becomes strained. Still, she is convinced that everything would work out just fine if she could just have a baby. Her desperation to become a mother causes her to ignore the most blatant red flags in her relationship. Her boyfriend loses his patience with her but does not have the decency to end the relationship, and she is so blinded by the rapidly closing window that she doesn’t end it herself. Eventually, and in the worst way possible, she learns that her boyfriend has been seeing someone else. Not only that, but they are expecting their first child.

She is heartbroken, devastated, and by now, 25 years old. She was so terrified of losing him and the opportunity to have a child that she lost herself.

Now, both sides of the relationship have to take responsibility for their contribution to the ultimate breakdown of the relationship. If you just thought that Jane’s contribution was failing to have a child, then you missed the point. She contributed to the deterioration of the relationship by not being fully present. Her willingness to ignore red flags all in the name of having a child caused her to do more harm than good.

If you are single and childless for medical reasons, you should not feel like less of a woman. You are still valuable and worthy of love, loyalty, and affection. You should enter each relationship honestly, being true to yourself, and keeping your eyes wide open. When the time is right, inform your partner of your medical condition. Until then, be sure to address the red flags and take things slowly. This will give you sufficient time to decide for yourself whether or not this is a person worth revealing your infertility to. Ensure that he is emotionally mature enough to handle this information, regardless of his decision. And remember, just because you cannot bring a child into the world does not mean you deserve to be alone. You are more than just a womb; you are a woman. 

LeNora Faye: Owning your Stance to Live Childfree

Get to know Canadian blogger, LeNora Faye who created a space for childfree men and women.

At a certain point in a woman’s life, she is flooded with questions about bearing children. Questions that can be triggering for women who struggle to get pregnant. However, that’s not the case for LeNora Faye, who loves to rock colorful wigs and portrays herself as an open book. In fact, the Canadian shared that she uses questions about her childfree lifestyle as an opportunity to raise awareness about a growing community of men and women who are unapologetic about their leisure time and confident decision to live childfree. Unsolicited advice from people have also opened the door for LeNora to plug-in her brand namesake which has grown from a blog to a small media company.

LeNora’s creativity has led her to launch not only the podcast, “Childfree Girls” but the “Accidental Parenthood” podcast that tells the story of her brother’s unplanned journey to fatherhood. She is a woman who wears many hats, from a boss to an author.

To further uplift others, LeNora recently partnered with a group of like minded men and women to host a worldwide free conference happening in July 2021 to connect people who live childfree by choice. 

Two moments in LeNora’s life led to her childfree choice. She recalled both experiences in a recent interview. Take a listen: 

Reach for the Stars: Successful Women who Make Childfree Look Good

News flash! Women can build a life of success without ever bearing a child. For those that do, they are often shamed or labeled everything from selfish to “less of a woman”. No matter how someone gets to the decision, there’s certainly a lot to look forward to as more women blossom into what society still questions. Cheers to women empowering women (even men) who opt to live childfree.

Childfree versus Coronavirus

Women without children are often viewed as spinsters, cat ladies, career women, selfish and the list goes on. However, with the demand for essential workers during the spread of the coronavirus, there’s potentially increased risk of burnout. Anyone, with or without children, can spend too much time working. And everyone has a life in need of balance. Generally, whenever anyone gets downtime it’s usually an opportunity to de-stress, unplug and do whatever you feel like. While those without children are not around to compensate for the commitments of those who have them, there’s never any harm in lending a helping hand to a single mother who’s a nurse working a double shift at the hospital, or the single father struggling to homeschool his children. 

There are a number of misconceptions faced by childfree adults in today’s society. However, many prove folks wrong everyday. In fact, I know many to be responsible, mature, nurturing and good role models. 

Kindness should never feel like work. So as the coronavirus forces many to go into overdrive to help control it, think of ways you can help a person or even a family during this challenging time. Childfree may be a choice but so is kindness. 

“You’ll change your mind”

When people come across women and men who don’t have any children, they often make assumptions or give unsolicited advice and prayers. That’s because there are actually folks who believe a person’s life isn’t fulfilled until they conceive a child. Some people would argue that the reason for human existence is for procreation. Yes, to some it’s important to keep the family’s bloodline alive. There’s a number of reasons for having children and just as many to support those who opt to be childfree. Then there’s a select few who go back and forth with the idea of children. That’s okay too. However, for those who are firm in their decision not to have children tend to get the, “You’ll change your mind speech.” As if the choice to not bear children calls for a immediate debate with those who have them. It’s almost as if some of those people are trying to convince themselves that they made the right choice, or that everyone must come to the same conclusion in life. I’m curious if it works the other way around. Do parents have regrets and wish upon a star that they’ve done things differently?

Can the woman (or man) who desperately wanted kids in the past, get over it? Yes, because I know that woman. Sometimes the thought of having children comes in stages of life. At one point, everyone around a close friend of mine was getting married and having babies. But it never happened for her. Of course, she mourned her fertility challenges with people like myself. However, she later openly admitted that she only wanted children because she thought that was the thing to do. Eventually, she found peace and comfort with childfree living. My story is a bit similar. I’m married and childfree as well. In fact, sometimes when my husband and I are together, at a social event, we still get the “You’ll change your mind,” speech. Instead of diving deep into a conversation, we both just look at each other, laugh, and quietly say, “No, we won’t.”