Up until this very recent moment in my life, I've never been single. During those periods between relationships I thought I was single, I actually wasn't. It's true that I wasn't involved romantically or sexually by definition, but I still was yet to be single.
After spending my entire 20's in and out of revolving door relationships, I had enough. I entered my 30th year of life with the promise of finding a husband and having a baby. And that's exactly what happened. But after a year in, baby and all, I decided to end my marriage for a myriad of reasons. The biggest reason being is I had entered my marriage already committed to someone else, or better yet, something else. And my commitment totally ruined my relationship, as it had done a million times before.
Before marrying, I thought I was complete. I had a blossoming career, my own house, and a luxury car to symbolize my success all before I hit 30 years-old. I knew I struggled with inner happiness, but for the most part, I was very comfortable with who I was as a person. I was just too damn comfortable. And my ideal mate would be comfortable with who I was as a person, too. But he wasn't...
He never understood my unhappiness, my need to look for external factors to validate me, or that I needed him to be perfect so that I could feel perfect. I was ugly inside, and he was my mirror. A complete ball of mess staring at me every morning and shouting "you insecure little girl, what have you done"? I had no business getting married. I wasn't ready. I was too much in love and committed to fear. Fear of being unloved. Fear of being alone. Fear of being incomplete. Fear of being a single parent. It was the only consisted relationship I had ever known. It's always been around stirring up drama in my physical relationships, highlighting my insecurities, and turning me into some sort of spectacle. It controlled me.
I remember after the birth of my daughter, my depression worsened. I could hardly recognize the woman I become. I was in a loveless marriage not only with my husband, but with myself. I hated myself. There was no way I was going to survive. I had to end the lie and put a stop to the destruction I was causing. I didn't deserve it and neither did my husband. We both deserved happiness, and our daughter deserved a loving home. So I filed for divorce and simultaneously, ended my commitment to my fear of being unloved, alone, and incomplete.
I spent the first year or so after my divorce was finalized dedicating my energy into building a healthy relationship with myself. It was the most difficult experience I've had thus far. I grieved our failed marriage with very little support from friends and family, all while trying to maintain some sort of strength to raise my daughter. My nights were filled with crying spells wondering when the pain was going to end. Little did I know it wasn't just my marriage I was ending, I was also ending the part that prevented me from receiving authentic love.
I had to dig deep into my soul where I had buried my childhood hurts, disappointments from past relationships, and the resentment I held against myself for repeatedly ignoring red flags. I had to learn how to the love and care for me. How do you do that when no one has shown you how? I prayed all day, every day. I let the past go. I denied fear access to my life. In the end, I saw the difference in my attitude, mood, and my choices. I suffered. I recovered. I healed. It has made all the difference. I no longer operate out of fear. I'm finally single, happy and ready for love.
