Never Settle

Some relationships are for a season.

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Six months ago I thought that my love search was done! I was glowing and always smiling from ear to ear with excitement.That's because I was introduced to a man who I thought was the one. He knew how to make me feel special, laugh and forget all my worries. We used to spend hours together, and I even told my friends about him. I've never desired for them to meet anyone special in my life.

I can't fully explain but one day things became shaky. I figured things would naturally fall back into place.  But it didn't and suddenly my new love interest stopped spending time with me. His excuse was his job and huge workload.  He just completely acted like I didn't exist most days. He would shoot me little texts here and there but for the most part our relationship was going nowhere! We would have talks but we would never resolve the issue. He once said, "I told you this is how my life is during the summer." I always thought aman would go out of his way to spend time with someone when there is love.  Needless to say my fairytale was turning into another failed relationship. Of course yet again I'm embarrassed and humiliated that my time with this man was short lived.  I thought, "How am I going to tell my closest friends and family that love has failed me?" So I decided to keep quiet.  Instead I drowned my sadness with depressing music trying to convince myself what we had wasn't real.

Suddenly I snapped out of my funk and all it took was some encouragement from music by my favorite artist Beyoncé.  In fact, I quickly pulled myself together and reminded myself that it sucks to be him right now! To the left, to the left, he goes ... and yes I loved him like XO but the truth is ... I simply could not see how our 1+1 could ever =2!  Even though I saw his Halo in the beginning surely this man is also replaceable.  Perhaps it's a good thing my relationship didn't work out and yes I may be hurt but just like everything else the pain won't last forever. I'll eventually call my girls and when they ask I will tell them the truth! He just wasn't the one.

At my age, I'm super clear about what I want and what I don't want. Some things I just can't except... and I don't feel guilty about wanting the best for me. So in the words of Beyoncé I'll put that freekum dress on! Haha, I probably won't do that but I will continue to date and when it's right, I hope the relationship will last.

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The common sense dating approach....

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Have you ever dated someone who thought a "no show" or a "text without a response" was no big deal to get upset at or angry? Well, I have and even to my surprise I accepted some of his creative excuses but mostly because the guy seemed to have pretty legit reasons as to why he was a "no call , no show."  So all was forgiven most times.  However, it wasn't until stranger things started to take place that I started to raise my eyebrows.  

The man I was dating started canceling dates on me, and one time even shared that he had some "random " male friend come visit him from out of town. Everyday that this friend was suppose to leave, there was another reason why "he" was still there . Any man that's not strong enough to give you the courtesy you deserve is simply not worth your time. I'm glad that this man showed me who he was sooner than later especially before we made anything official. Real men are consistent, have conversations, and are not afraid to be vulnerable. 

So when all else fails, just use the common sense approach to dating. If it doesn't feel right then it's not right. 

Here's a list of things NOT to ignore:

1. He places phone "face down" and ringer is always on silent

2. He's a serial text "deleter"

3. He's creative with excuses

4. He's always "too busy"

5. He opts to "text" instead of "calling you"

Yes, it's common sense but how many of us are guilty of not using our better judgement. Date on and date smart. 💋

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S.I.N.G.L.E

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Self-respect: Being single starts with not only self-respect but self-esteem.  Develop a strong relationship with yourself. There's no telling when Mr. Right will walk into your life.

 

Invest in one self: Make time to pamper, meditate, and accomplish your goals. This is the perfect time to do so.

 

New outlook on life: Always think of your glass as half-full not half-empty. Being single is not a death sentence.

 

Grateful: Take a look at your past and where you are today and be thankful. Remember you're on the right track. No matter how many of your friends are getting engaged, don't think for one minute that you're behind schedule.

 

Love yourself: It's just that simple. How can you love anyone else without loving yourself?

 

Enjoy life: Ultimately, enjoy every moment of your life. Single is dating smart and having fun.

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5 signs you've mastered single life

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1. You're great at cooking for one. A pinch of this and that..... Dinner is ready.

 

2. You're extremely comfortable going to the movies alone. Who's paying attention besides it's dark in the theater.

 

3. You're good at ignoring sweet talk! Why? Three words. Confident. Smart. Resilient.

 

4. Just about every Beyoncé song empowers you. #Lemonade anyone?

 

5. "Good Morning" texts don't phase you... You're single not desperate.

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Dance to your own music

One thing I always loved to do is dance in the mirror. There are a few songs that immediately get me on the dance floor. Single life doesn’t have to be boring. Just put on your best pumps and crank the music up on your radio. And DANCE!

 

Get me Bodied-Beyoncé

 

7/11-Beyonce

 

Danza Kuduro (feat. Lucenzo)

 

Just Fine-Mary J. Blige


Push it-Salt-N-Pepa

Don’t Stop ‘Til You Get Enough

Beautiful-Snoop

Shake it off-Taylor Switch

It takes Two-Rob Base

1 Thing (featuring Eve)-Amerie

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JUST SAY NO: 7 men you don’t want

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7. The Married Man-I shouldn’t have to list this one but feel it’s necessary.  No matter what kind of dream he’s selling, don’t buy it.  Know you’re worth so much more than a man that’s already taken.

  

6. The Pretty Boy - Eye candy isn’t always bad unless that’s the only thing the man is bringing to the table. What’s worse is when a man knows he’s quite attractive and thinks he’s a gift to all women.  Of course you want to be able show off your man and gaze into his eyes, just know that there’s more to a man than good looks.  Try taking a look at his character.  

 

5. The Mama’s Boy-Been there, done that. A man like this will make your life stressful. You’ll never come first.  A man should know the difference between his mother and girlfriend/wife.  He should also be willing to stand up to his mother who conveniently interferes in your relationship. 

 

4. The Mystery Man/Quiet- I don’t know about you but a man of very few words sort of freak me out to a degree.  I’m not saying all quiet men are suspect but any man that makes it his business to be secretive about any and everything should make your antennas go up.  If you’re dating, you should know the basics, like his last name, home address, career, and hobbies.  If it’s really serious a bit more and have been introduced to his family. 

 

3. The Lazy One-This is a no brainer, stay away. I don’t care how good he looks, smells or dresses.  Trust me; he’s not worth your time.  This particular guy has a habit to look for women he says can motivate him. It’s good to be supportive but don’t break your back trying to motivate a grown man that’s obviously looking for an easy ride or free meal ticket.

 

2. The Popular Guy-This man can be overly friendly at times and always seeking attention. Now, there’s nothing wrong with a friendly man but if you find this one always smiling ear to ear at every woman that looks his way then check him off you list immediately.

 

1. The Male Chauvinist- If you ever come across a man who believes women are inferior to men then do yourself a favor and run as fast as you can.  Sometimes this man poses as a charmer later revealing thoughts of women to be nothing more than objects, laborers and deserving less than equal treatment.

 

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Never Settle

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I have spent the past 11 years dealing with a man who I thought I would spend the rest of my life with.  I guess you can say I put all my eggs in one basket when it came to that relationship. Even through turmoil, I still believed that he was the one!  In the beginning, our relationship was good, at least three of the years. 

 In fact, our relationship really changed after my grandmother informed me of a conversation she overheard in a grocery store. Two women were talking about a wedding they had attended. The name is what shocked my grandmother because the very unique name was familiar to her and ended up being the person I was dating at that time.  Of course my grandmother called me with the information.  My heart literally stopped and I felt like the room was spinning.  I said, "No, grandma.  He did not get married."  At the time he admitted to cheating and had a baby on the way but nothing was ever mentioned about a marriage.  Long story short, my boyfriend was not only having a baby but now belonged to another woman. He did get married.

 However, I thought that even through his infidelity, secret marriage and baby he had while we were together that he would still come around and possible marry me. That never happened even though I tried to erase those bad memories from mind by dating.   Perhaps, if I didn't invest all of my time into him, I would have probably met some really nice men to date or better yet, I could have been married by now. I guess that’s the danger of putting all of your eggs in one basket.  I absolutely put too much of my energy into one man just because in my mind I wanted him to be the ONE.  I know now that the mistake I made was that I settled and I didn't value my self -worth.

Today, as a single woman, I strongly encourage women not to settle, and know their worth. If you do, you'll save yourself from meaningless relationships and people who are just not good for you. 

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Ready to bump into Mr. Right

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Every night when I go home to an empty apartment it hits me that I’m really single.  

During the workweek each day as I drive home, I find myself paying attention for some strange reason to the couples that are having dinner outside of those cute cafes and downtown restaurants and enjoying the warm weather. I would argue that the summer is my least favorite time of the year because all I see are people flooding my timelines on social media with selfies, vacation pictures, or dinner dates while I’m sitting on my sofa watching the same movies on the Lifetime Channel over and over again. That's typically when my mind starts to wonder, questioning myself, "Why in the world am I single?"

Here's a rundown of my weekend. On Friday nights while some single people have dates lined up or at least options, I’m home starring at my iPhone.  I tend to vicariously live through other people's excitement on social media as I scroll through my different accounts. Of course I could go through my contact list in my cell phone and reach out to some old flames and go out but the question is, "Do I really want to take steps backwards or better yet pay for my own meal, drive my own car, go to a chain restaurant that I haven’t frequented since college?"  I’m sure you already know the answers to those questions.  One would think as a city girl living in a place with so many things to do, it would be easy to find a date, but that's simply not the case. 

As for my Saturdays, they're even less exciting.  On Saturday morning, my day always begins with me making a huge cup of coffee, cooking what I believe is a healthy breakfast and sitting on my enclosed porch. It's the one spot in my apartment where I enjoy staring out of my huge Bay window, sipping coffee and listening to some soothing feel-good music. I then prepare my shopping list for that day, and after breakfast you can usually find me in BJ’s, Walmart, and in most cases Target. After a long day of shopping, I go back home to clean and make sure things are in order in my apartment. If all goes well, I may even hang with friends who are either married or in a relationship headed in that direction.  When I do, I'm considered the life of the party. I love to make people laugh and don't let me hit the dance floor. I'm probably the only one with the best moves.  Although it's exciting when I'm around my friends who never seem to mind that I'm always solo, you can imagine what it’s really like to always be the third wheel.  However, we often try to manage time with just the ladies. Who doesn't love a "Girl's Night Out" thrown into the mix some times?                     

Then there’s Sunday which is very similar to my Saturday. Next thing you know the weekend passes me by and the weekday cycle repeats…….Work, Home, Dinner for 1 and sleep! The reality is I often put on a smile on my face, but on the inside I always feel ashamed and embarrassed that after all these years, I'm single. And now that I'm in my thirties, I don't know what to expect. My friends are funny though. It's at least four ladies who are always trying to convince me that my time will soon come. I'm told that I should enjoy and embrace my single status.   

So that's what I'm trying to do and believe me I have some stories to tell. Yes being single can get a bit lonely, but I'm slowly realizing that it’s also a time of reflection and self-growth.  I'm sure true love will find me soon.  Until then I'll work on being happily single. Who knows, now that I stopped looking, maybe I'll trip and bump into Mr. Right!

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A look in the mirror

Being successful and single is interesting to say the least.  By day I'm a power house in the world of education but by night I'm a single 30-year-old woman who spends the night watching bad reality television shows and making lavish meals for one. Many believe that single life is full of excitement including lots of hot dates but that hasn't been my reality. Dating has almost been non-existent and the ones I have been on ......What can I say? That's another story. Yes I can date whoever, have a variety of men calling me every day, have wild nights but instead I spend my time at home wondering what it's like to have someone.  I often wonder what it would be like to have a man daydream about me as much as I daydream about them, send me cards and texts for no reason and simply love me. So here I am, a single woman, living the dream, or perhaps wishing my dream of not being single would come true. Some say it's a lonely life. I say it has given me clarity about dating and specifically allows me to do what I want and cut out all I do not want at this time. 

However, it wasn't always this way. Let me tell you about a man I call my “Orange Moon”.   The name stems from Erykah Badu’s song, Orange Moon where she describes a very deep relationship. She considers herself an orange moon reflecting the bright light of the sun onto someone.  I will never forget the first time I heard that song.  It was the fall of my freshman year of college.  I instantly fell in love with the words.  Badu’s metaphors stuck to my heart like glue and although I was still a young lady back then, I knew exactly where she was coming from.  You see that summer before I returned back to school I had met my own "Orange Moon" and we instantly had this authentic yet natural connection.  It was the summer of 2003, and I was working at a community center for an awesome program called Philadelphia Freedom Schools.  The program served as a positive summer program for students, through mentorship and positive role models. With that, we had to go away to Tennessee in order to be trained for the program. We stayed at the University of Tennessee with thousands of other people who were being trained for their programs, at their individual sites. Every day we would have team building, workshops, and most of all time to bond with individuals from various walks of life. It was during this time I laid my eyes on my "Orange Moon". I was so intrigued by him and he instantly had my attention. By some divine connection we became friends and even after we left training, we stayed in contact.  Although, we weren't dating, he always treated me like I was more than just his friend. I remember the first time I stayed overnight at his place.   I woke up to breakfast in bed and the sweet smell of scented candles. That's the very day I decided to call him my orange moon.  I felt special because of the bright light he reflected on my life.  It also seemed appropriate because that's exactly what the sunset looked like through his dark colored curtains, an orange moon. Very little words were exchanged then but his heart spoke to me and at that point I knew he loved me. As friends we hadn't crossed any lines at that point although it appeared something was different. 

Years later our friendship blossomed. In fact, one day I received a very random phone call from him. Ironically we ended up tutoring for the same after-school program, and we were both trying to figure out life. At the time, he had a girlfriend. I was single and periodically we carpooled together for our commute. It was just like old times, we would laugh and joke and reminisce about our past. Then one late night, he called me and said that he needed to talk to me. Keep in mind we were best friends at this point, so it was nothing new.  "What could he possibly need to talk about," I thought. But his words were firm. He needed to see me in person and of course the next day I went.  When I arrived at his house, he was outside and he took me by the hand and hugged me. He began to speak but his words started to sound all mumbled together. The one thing I did hear was how much he loved me. He addressed me by the nickname, "Vanilla Chai".  He said, "No one knows me like you. I've tried and you've tried. You've even had someone on and off for ten years. Let's just try us." I was taken back.  I didn't know what to say. I knew everything about this man including the names of girls he dated and all his secrets!!!  "So how will this ever work?" I thought.

But against my better decisions, I did it!  Unfortunately all of the stories I've heard from friends, who fell in love, married, and had children didn’t come close to our ending. Our love was very short lived. It was the both of us. We could never take one another out of the friend zone and frankly there were things that I hated when we were friends, so when we got together, it bothered me even more. I suppressed so many things like the fact that I absolutely hated that we kept a tab on who paid for which date at which time. He never really courted me. I hated that he smoked and the intimacy between us wasn't what I had expected.  I would often complain to my friends, but never to him.

What was happening to us? Our relationship quickly spiraled out of control after I took a much needed trip with my girls to Las Vegas. I was going to celebrate my 26th birthday. Prior to the trip, my best male friend turned boyfriend kept asking me what I wanted to do when I got back from Vegas. I would simply give him very vague answers, because at that point I wasn't sure if we were right for each other. 
That weekend in Las Vegas, I didn't call or text.  I sort of decided that I was over it. When I came home he texted and said he couldn't take me out but he would cook a birthday meal for me. I was quite annoyed at the gesture and wanted something more. So I became upset and that man truly knew me because he knew I was pissed. He was use to my random shut downs (I know now that shut downs don't deal with issues). I neglected to tell you that I'm the only child so I'm used to getting spoiled. For weeks we didn't talk, even though he asked daily for me to open up. So you know what happened next, we ended our relationship. And that's the beginning of my dating woes.  Looking back perhaps if I had opened up, things would have been different. He was truly my best male friend and the last thing that I would have wanted was for us to dislike one another. 

However, one thing was for certain, he was my orange moon. He reflected his light onto me.  He always gave great advice and our connection was truly genuine. 

I won't deny it. I guess I did sabotage our relationship while in Vegas by my lack of communication and hurt feelings. Nevertheless, each time I hear Erykah sing, "I'm an Orange Moon," I will forever think of him and smile. 

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