My journey trying to conceive has truly been a frustrating one especially for my husband. There were certainly days he allowed his emotions and thoughts get the best of him. I must admit I wasn't any better. You’ll experience all kinds of emotions when you come across stumbling blocks while trying to conceive. Trust me. I’ll never forget the day my husband said,” You would probably have a baby by now if you were with another man,” he said. Immediately I thought, “He’s right!” Those words played in my mind for days. Briefly I began to resent the man I married. It’s amazing how powerful words can be and play on your heart. “Why was I entertaining that comment?” I wondered. Could I be that desperate to have a child? The answer was yes! I had so many things circulating around in my mind because so many people reminded me that I was quickly approaching 35 years old. The age doctors say women can experience pregnancy complications and are high risk. The following are a few of the things I've heard consistently as soon as I entered my thirties.
- It’s more of a challenge to conceive because your eggs aren't easily fertilized. They begin to decrease in quantity and quality.
- Blood pressure and diabetes are more common in such pregnancies
- Older mothers have a higher risk of delivering babies with Down Syndrome because of chromosome problems.
The list goes on. There’s seriously truth in the biological clock being major in some women lives. It was nearly six months before my 35th birthday and it seemed like every time I opened a magazine, or turned on the television the topic seemed to focus on the risk of older women having babies in their thirties. Once again I began to stress. Some of my friends didn't help. I realized some people tend to speak out of ignorance much too often. It was a Saturday afternoon and my husband and I were having lunch with one of my single-mother college friends and her two sons. There was nothing special about the occasion just friends catching up. The atmosphere was nice and we shared nothing but smiles and giggles at the table while having lunch. Then the most dreaded question for a married woman trying to conceive came flowing out of my friend’s mouth. “When are you going to have children? You’re getting old,” she blurted out. Funny thing, I’m like a pro when it comes to answering personal questions. I’m so fast at putting on a smile and answering but this time I struggled with that and became flustered. However, I did manage to answer. “In due time,” I said. Unfortunately my friend pressed on the subject matter and later blurted out, “You need to hurry up and have children or else you will have a retarded kid,” she so boldly said. Showing no physical signs of anger, my blood started to boil. Inside my body I felt my temperature rising. I wanted to slap my friend as hard as I could across the face but I didn't. Instead, I only imagined slapping her. I also thought it was best to just accept the fact that she was ignorant on the subject of older women having babies and that some women struggle to get pregnant for a number of reasons such as male infertility, low sperm count and much more.
Unfortunately, she wasn't the only one I came across with that mindset. However, it was then that I learned that words can hurt and that you should think carefully before opening your mouth. Depending on the words, they can ruin your relationship with people and with your spouse. My husband’s statement certainly played in my mind almost igniting the blame game in our situation. I guess partly because “Unexplained Infertility” just doesn't make any sense to me and I’m not sure if it ever will. According to my doctor, I'm healthy with eggs waiting to be fertilized and no signs of anything else.
Anyway, as for my friend, I struggled most recently with sharing the most intimate details about my fertility challenges with her. I decided not to but have chosen to educate her in casual conversation on what pregnancy means for women in their thirties. It’s important for women in my shoes to share such information or else you’ll find yourself taking things too personal. As a result, I truly feel good sharing the right information with women including family and friends. To answer my husband’s question about whether or not I would have a child by now if I were with another man, “It doesn't matter because I only want one with him”. So to all the people who question when I or any other woman in her thirties, even forties will have a baby, “In due time, especially if it’s meant to be”.