Childbearing

Fertility Struggles? This song list may help.

No Less Than a Woman- (Lady Saw) I discovered this song during a day I needed encouragement the most. The reggae artists stresses that not having children doesn’t make you less than a woman. The message is a very comforting one. My favorite line: “I have so much love to give to so many unwanted kids.”

There’s Hope-(India Arie) This particular song has a melody that will instantly uplift you. No matter what you're going through, the musician behind this song encourages you to smile and reminds you to have hope.

Always-(Jessica Reedy Unplugged) The lyrics in this song are very inspirational, reminding listeners that “It won’t be like this Always, there will be better days.

Everything Is Everything-(Lauryn Hill) If it’s meant to be, it will be. Fertility Doctors will not have the last say. “Change comes eventually.”

Cope. Smile. Fight Infertility

Whether you’re twenty, thirty or forty-something infertility can be tough whether explained or unexplained. However, there are ways to cope and to help women deal with the emotional roller coaster ride. I often felt alone until I started to do a little bit of research.  Did you know that 6% percent of married women in the United States struggle to get pregnant after one year of unprotected sex?  Also, about 12% of American women encounter challenges to get pregnant regardless of marital status. To my surprise infertility isn’t just a woman’s problem; it’s also a condition that many men experience as well. Although I continue to struggle with who I decide to share my personal story with, keeping a journal and following a few quick tips have helped me tremendously. 

 

1.       EDUCATE YOURSELF-When it comes to trying to conceive, people tend to think that it’s an easy task. But it takes more than just sex. Women and men should prepare their bodies. First, start taking vitamins and change your eating habits.  It also helps to get to know your cycle by keeping record and tracking your ovulation days.  As a result, I can tell when I’m ovulating and the slight discomfort for me usually indicates which side of my Fallopian tube will release an egg.

 

2.      JOIN A SUPPORT GROUP-This was one of the best things I have done thus far. I have such a strong support system when it comes to dealing with infertility now. In fact, I consider many of the people friends because they have helped me smile during a time that appeared nothing but gloomy. So what are you waiting for? Start looking at local groups you can connect with. In the meantime, follow Give Me A Ring and A Baby on Facebook, Instagram (Give_Me­_A_Ring_And_A_Baby) or @ringandbaby on Twitter to meet women online struggling with infertility too.

 

3.      ADOPT HEALTHY HABITS-Drop the stress, stop worrying and relax.  Keep your life simple by trying not to think about that intimacy time with your spouse as a job.  Although it may appear that way because you have to put in a lot of work for that bundle of joy, continue to enjoy your spouse. Take a different approach and try to spice up things in the bedroom with roses, music and little role play…….Hint. Hint.

 

4.      PAMPER YOURSELF-Go to the salon, do a little shopping and take your mind off the baby by indulging in some “ME” time.  Sure, the goal is to get pregnant but learn to spend a little time on your mind, body and soul. Trying to conceive should be a fun experience not a time consuming one where you lose sight of yourself.

 

5.   EXPLORE YOUR OPTIONS-Seek professional help and find yourself a fertility doctor. If you have already done so, try thinking about adoption. I would love to give birth to a baby but if that’s not a part of my written story then I would embrace the opportunity to nurture a child through adoption.  Just because you decide to explore options such as adoption, that does not mean you’re giving up on the possibility of having a child of your own.

 

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Motherhood takes patience

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If it takes patience to be a mother then it must takes patience on the road to becoming a mother.  That's a hard pill to swallow for someone like myself who lacks patience but I'm working on it. And I know I'm not alone. While some of my friends are sending their children off to high school, I'm still on the journey to conceive. I'm not actively trying like I was in the past but if it happens, I would embrace the opportunity to be a mom.

In just a few weeks, I'll be heading into the age range where women experience more difficulty getting pregnant. A scary reality I must face. However, I'm always reminded by family and friends that a baby is in my future. One of my closet friends said to me that she had a relative who didn't conceive until age 50, and that I should remain patient. "You mean to tell me, I may have to wait until 50," I frantically thought. Should I even try for that long? 

Whatever the case, I'm learning that patience isn't an overnight process.  I don't know about you but I strongly believe that's my lesson during this particular chapter of my life. How many people can actually say they mastered patience?  I'm the kind of person who wants what she wants now.  Unfortunately my "now" has turned into years of waiting for a miracle baby. According to doctors, it's unexplained infertility and my parents just believe motherhood hasn't happened yet due to stress. Other family members point to the men in the family because conceiving appears to be a familiar challenge.  As for myself, I think there's something bigger and of course a greater message behind my fertility challenges.  

In fact, each time I hear about someone's fertility challenges and all the money some couples spend to conceive just to end up pregnant naturally, I start to look forward to sharing one of those "miracle" stories as well.  A few weeks ago, my cousin who suffered from PCOS said after medical treatment and completing adoption classes, she reluctantly took a pregnancy test one day after feeling sick.  To her surprise she was pregnant. Now she has a two year old daughter. 

"I believe there is more to conceiving than medical treatment! Yes, it does work for some but for those that it doesn't.....Don't give up," she said. 

Sure it's normal to feel as time passes there's no hope but my cousin said it best, DON'T GIVE UP!  Although I've never imagined fertility challenges to be a part of my story, each passing month, I suddenly feel stronger and willing to "patiently" wait.  

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Childless doesn't make you less of a woman

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Some days I like to let my imagination run wild. I like to browse the baby section in stores or surf the internet for baby names. There are actually moments, I can see myself with a baby.

But then there are days I try not to think about those things. Sometimes, I also try to avoid events hosted by my peers who have children because of all the baby talk. 

It's something about those unsuccessful attempts while trying to conceive that plays with your mind. You sort of feel less of a woman especially when it seems like everyone around is suddenly expecting a child.  You start to feel that family just won't understand your situation, so why bother sharing your darkest moments. 

I remember the first year, my husband and I started working on a child. It was after our two year wedding anniversary and at that point we were ready for parenthood. It seemed like every month we tried, we would get a new pregnancy announcement. That year at least six couples were expecting. "Is this a joke? If so, I'm not laughing," I thought. The following year, another four shared their pregnancies with my husband and I. We were genuinely happy for those around us but it started to get weird because we felt as if we were missing out on life as a childless couple. 

At one point, I felt cheated. But then one of those pregnancy announcements turned out to be one of the biggest blessings in my life. That blessing was my niece. Although I thought as the eldest of my siblings I should have been the first to get pregnant, the moment I saw her, those feelings literally disappeared. She took my breath away. A very dear friend of mine added to my warm feelings when she called me on Mother's Day years later. Who would have thought a phone call on a day I started to dread would also change my life. The name on my cell phone was a familiar one so I picked up. "Happy Mother's Day," shouted my friend. Confused, I respectively replied, "I'm not a mother but thank you." My friend then went on to explain her greeting and said, "As you celebrate your mother remember YOU will have encounters where God will bless you to be a nurturer too to many others."  I was intrigued and immediately thought about my instant connection to my niece. Her words truly left a positive impression on me. I thought to myself that my fertility challenges don't make me less of a woman. In fact, being childless simply means I just have more love to give. 

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How bad do you want to be a mother?

To be pregnant or Not to be pregnant, that is the question. A very close friend of mine asked me one day during one of my rants, "How bad do you want to be a mother?" The question sort of caught me off guard. I immediately thought, "I don't know." She had a very good reason for the question and it was something I never actually thought about. It was Adoption!

 

According to the Adoption and Foster Care Analysis and Reporting System there were more than 400,000 children waiting to get adopted around this time last year. That's heartbreaking and still is a very tough decision for someone, like myself, who always dreamed of having a child from her own womb. To be honest, adoption never seemed to be an option. So many things kept me from fully exploring that avenue. First, "How do I explain an infant without pregnancy pictures?" Another thing that haunts me is, "Will people consider me LESS than a woman because I didn't give birth to this child?" Those reasons may sound crazy to you but they're hard to erase out of my head. My husband has certainly shot down the idea of adoption but that's because I think he's not educated on the subject.

 

One thing my friend did by posing that question is make me look at motherhood from a different perspective. Sure it would be nice to have children, genetically connected to my spouse but how bad do I want to be a mother? Do I just want to be pregnant or do I want to nurture a child and provide a loving home? It would really be nice to do both actually. Today, I can't say that I'm moving in the direction of adoption right now but my friend definitely sparked something in me that I'm sure to explore further. I'll never know why I'm faced with the challenge of 'Unexplained Infertility' and what lesson I'm supposed to take from it. Whatever the case, I have so much love to give and look forward to motherhood whether it's through natural childbearing or adoption.

 

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Top 3 things to avoid if you’ve experienced trouble getting pregnant

I quickly learned that there are some things you should avoid when you’re trying to conceive especially if you’ve hit a few roadblocks along the way.  Honestly I thought it would take a few months to get pregnant NOT years.   According to my doctor, the reason is “Unexplained Fertility” which simply means I appear healthy with no signs of endometriosis, fibroids or any other condition that can create a challenge for women looking forward to motherhood.  My husband and I are both in our mid- thirties and certainly feel the pressure to start a family right now.  In fact, my journey has been an emotional roller coaster.  However, there are some things those of us in the “Trying to Conceive” community can do to make sure we don’t fall into a depression.  

The following are just a few things I believe women in the TTC should avoid:

  1. BABY SHOWERS-Why torture yourself?  At one time, I felt obligated to accept every baby shower invitation that came my way. The year my husband and I started working on a baby, we were invited to five baby showers. One hit too close home. My younger brother announced he and his significant other were expecting their first child.  I was torn. “I’m the eldest.   I should be having my parent’s first grandchild,” I thought.  I ended up in tears at some of the baby showers or at least holding tears back.  I find myself overwhelmed with grief at baby showers even when I think I’m strong and comfortable with my “childless” status. The remedy: Ignore the invitation and if you’re extremely close to the person, be open and honest about your feelings first then throw the invitation away. 

  2. BIRTHDAY PARTIES-This may be a tricky one for some people. I have a few close friends with children and I absolutely love being around their kids. However, my husband and I tend to get invites to children birthday parties a little too often.   It can be very awkward being the only couple without children at a child’s birthday party which is why I either send a gift without attending or once again ignore the invite.  

  3. BABY TALK-“When are you having children?” That’s a question I try my best to avoid with simple answers. I often say, “In due time,” or “I don’t know.”  If the person is really pushy, I’ll respond with a question for them or just bluntly say that’s a personal question and move on from there. People may make up things in things in their own mind to answer that question but that’s not your problem and should not be your concern. People assume every woman who is married should eventually move on to motherhood but the reality is NOT “childless” women are looking to be a mother. It’s a choice as well as a personal question that no one should feel obligated to answer or discuss.

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Lending A Helping Hand

My husband and I quickly learned that fertility treatments are expensive. In fact, trips to the doctors, medications and some of the less expensive treatments such as intrauterine insemination, can add up fast. I'm often faced with the difficult question, "Is IVF an option?"  I must admit, I haven't given it much thought because of the expense. Whatever the case, I’m on a mission to educate couples and share options which are available for people looking forward to parenthood. Believe it or not, there are several grants and programs designed to take off the financial burden often felt by couples trying to conceive.

The following are listed below. 

Angels of Hope Foundation rewards its Creating Miracles Grant to financially burdened couples who need fertility treatments to conceive a child. Only married couples living within a certain radius to Morris, Illinois are eligible. 

BabyQuest Foundation is a non-profit organization whose goal is to grant financial assistance to those who cannot afford infertility treatments such as IUI, IVF, egg donation, and surrogacy. Applications are accepted from couples living anywhere in the United States. 

Bringing U Maternal Paternal Success (B.U.M.P.S.) is a non-profit organization in Florida that assists couples who have difficulty conceiving by providing grants for them to receive fertility treatments. 

The Cade Foundation has been providing grants to those struggling with infertility since 2004. The grant limit is set at $10,000 per family, helps couples pay for fertility treatment costs associated with fertility treatments or domestic adoption.

The InterNational Council on Infertility Information Dissemination offers a national scholarship program designed to help couples who cannot afford IVF fertility treatments on their own. This program actually involves fertility doctors from the across the United States willing to donate their state-of-the art facilities and services to couples.

The Madeleine Gordon Gift of Life Foundation helps needy couples in the greater Cincinnati area. To be considered, couples must not have any children together or have undergone previous IVF treatments. They must have a demonstrated need for IVF, be in good health, and have a combined family income of less than $70,000.

Please note: Couples will have to demonstrate financial need and submit required documentation including medical information. The criteria/rules at each foundation are not the same.

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I Choose Happiness

 

 

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I had a situation at work once that made me look at my life in a negative way.  I couldn’t help but to look at one of my co-workers who returned to work after having a baby in an unflattering light. I thought to myself, "She's living the life that I'm supposed to be living".  “How dare she flaunt it in front of me.” I didn’t desire to be her.  Neither did I envy her because quite frankly, she appeared to be needy and often starved for attention. Ironically, it was that lack that I identified with.  I didn’t lack attention in my marriage or in my professional life, but I was lacking something I wanted so dearly, a child. I think the thing that really hurt me at that time was when I opened my email and read that my co-worker was returning to work only part-time, so she could spend more time with her growing family. That's when my former plans hit me smack in the face. My plan was to get pregnant and eventually decrease my hours to part-time. Unfortunately, that never happened and the email reminded me of that.

The entire day, all I could think about was the fact that she was living out my dream.  I also began to wonder if planned pregnancies were overall more difficult to achieve. According to the Guttmacher Institute, the average American woman spends about five years trying to become pregnant and nearly three quarters of her reproductive life trying to avoid pregnancy.  I also learned that 51 percent of 6.6 million pregnancies in the United States are unintended. That means the pregnancies were either mistimed or unwanted, while leaving about 49 percent of the pregnancies planned.  The sad thing was that information just didn't help my bothersome thoughts. I remember tossing and turning the night before she returned, dreading to hear stories about her newborn baby. In fact, I was also dreading all the stories from the other parents in the office. I swear the next morning came too quickly. The next thing I knew, I was forced to get my weightless (limp) body out of bed and prepare for work. I had a hard time getting myself together, and moved extremely slow.

That morning I suddenly had a flashback of an incident. I was at the airport in Atlanta rushing for a flight to New Orleans. There in the security checkpoint line was a woman holding her baby on her hip. This may sound crazy, but I really wanted to walk over and slap her.  The reason was simply because this woman was a mother. My husband was standing alongside me. I turned to him and said, "Honey, I don't like her." He questioned why and when I gave him my reason he laughed it off, but I was serious. I was angry at nearly every woman prancing around with a child. But despite my depression, I ended up laughing it off like my husband did. By the way, I'm not crazy and would never do any such thing. However, I've experienced some emotional moments during this "trying to conceive" period.

Anyway, eventually it was about that time for me to leave the house and go to work. During my drive all I could do was think about a way to be happy. I still have to do that sometimes to keep myself from falling apart. While in the car, I was reminded of a conversation I had with a friend about happiness, and how it is a choice. That very moment I said out loud, "You will choose happiness". I repeated it slowly several times so that it would sink in. Of course I didn't know how I was going to do so, and was nervous all the way up until I walked inside the office. But without much thought, that's what I did. I began to smile. It was a real one too, and not like the smiles I would put on just to keep folks from seeing my vulnerable side.  I did it.  I made it through the day with all the pictures and stories. 

In short, it truly felt good choosing happiness because we should rejoice with others.  So today I ask, when faced with heartache, do you choose happiness over the hurt?  I’m a witness it works.

 

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In due time

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My journey trying to conceive has truly been a frustrating one especially for my husband. There were certainly days he allowed his emotions and thoughts get the best of him. I must admit I wasn't any better.  You’ll experience all kinds of emotions when you come across stumbling blocks while trying to conceive. Trust me. I’ll never forget the day my husband said,” You would probably have a baby by now if you were with another man,” he said. Immediately I thought, “He’s right!” Those words played in my mind for days.  Briefly I began to resent the man I married.  It’s amazing how powerful words can be and play on your heart. “Why was I entertaining that comment?” I wondered. Could I be that desperate to have a child?  The answer was yes! I had so many things circulating around in my mind because so many people reminded me that I was quickly approaching 35 years old. The age doctors say women can experience pregnancy complications and are high risk. The following are a few of the things I've heard consistently as soon as I entered my thirties. 

 

  • It’s more of a challenge to conceive because your eggs aren't easily fertilized. They begin to decrease in quantity and quality. 
  • Blood pressure and diabetes are more common in such pregnancies
  • Older mothers have a higher risk of delivering babies with Down Syndrome because of chromosome problems. 

 

The list goes on. There’s seriously truth in the biological clock being major in some women lives.  It was nearly six months before my 35th birthday and it seemed like every time I opened a magazine, or turned on the television the topic seemed to focus on the risk of older women having babies in their thirties. Once again I began to stress.  Some of my friends didn't help. I realized some people tend to speak out of ignorance much too often. It was a Saturday afternoon and my husband and I were having lunch with one of my single-mother college friends and her two sons. There was nothing special about the occasion just friends catching up. The atmosphere was nice and we shared nothing but smiles and giggles at the table while having lunch. Then the most dreaded question for a married woman trying to conceive came flowing out of my friend’s mouth. “When are you going to have children? You’re getting old,” she blurted out.  Funny thing, I’m like a pro when it comes to answering personal questions. I’m so fast at putting on a smile and answering but this time I struggled with that and became flustered. However, I did manage to answer. “In due time,” I said.  Unfortunately my friend pressed on the subject matter and later blurted out, “You need to hurry up and have children or else you will have a retarded kid,” she so boldly said. Showing no physical signs of anger, my blood started to boil. Inside my body I felt my temperature rising. I wanted to slap my friend as hard as I could across the face but I didn't. Instead, I only imagined slapping her. I also thought it was best to just accept the fact that she was ignorant on the subject of older women having babies and that some women struggle to get pregnant for a number of reasons such as male infertility, low sperm count and much more.

 

Unfortunately, she wasn't the only one I came across with that mindset. However, it was then that I learned that words can hurt and that you should think carefully before opening your mouth. Depending on the words, they can ruin your relationship with people and with your spouse. My husband’s statement certainly played in my mind almost igniting the blame game in our situation. I guess partly because “Unexplained Infertility” just doesn't make any sense to me and I’m not sure if it ever will.  According to my doctor, I'm healthy with eggs waiting to be fertilized and no signs of anything else. 

 

 Anyway, as for my friend, I struggled most recently with sharing the most intimate details about my fertility challenges with her. I decided not to but have chosen to educate her in casual conversation on what pregnancy means for women in their thirties. It’s important for women in my shoes to share such information or else you’ll find yourself taking things too personal. As a result, I truly feel good sharing the right information with women including family and friends. To answer my husband’s question about whether or not I would have a child by now if I were with another man, “It doesn't matter because I only want one with him”. So to all the people who question when I or any other woman in her thirties, even forties will have a baby, “In due time, especially if it’s meant to be”.

 

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Where’s my baby?

I was supposed to be pregnant by August 2013. That's what fertility doctors told my husband and I when we first took our problem to a top rated medical care facility in Philadelphia in April of that year. The specialist was the second fertility treatment center we've visited. I was very hopeful and excited because this particular doctor was young and very welcoming. I was 33 and my husband was 35 years old. 

While most couples just have sex and get that "unexpected" pregnancy surprise, we were trying to get pregnant on purpose.  We originally started in June 2011 on our own.  However, many unsuccessful attempts led us to seek fertility treatment.   It was our last attempt to get pregnant. The first center made my husband and I feel like just a number. So you can imagine that things didn’t go well at the first fertility facility. Anyway, there we were sitting inside the lobby of a new fertility clinic we had chosen. Also in the lobby was a young looking couple just like us but they had a child with them. Curious, I decided to spark up a conversation with the woman. She introduced herself as Ellen. I learned that the slim woman was a breast cancer survivor. She was diagnosed in her early twenties and had chemo and radiation by age 23. The treatment left her infertile with a depleted number of eggs. Ellen also shared that her husband's sperm count wasn’t great either but eventually the couple was able to conceive thanks to help from doctors.  Ellen started out on Clomid and had multiple intrauterine inseminations also known as IUI's. That's when doctors use a catheter to insert your spouse's sperm. Doctors inject the sperm known as "the good swimmers" which is usually gathered after a sample of sperm has been washed and spun. As for the IUI, the procedure isn't any more uncomfortable than a routine GYN exam said Ellen who returned to doctors so she could become a second-time mom. I still had testing to go through before my husband and I could go through the IUI process. 

My first few visits to the fertility doctor consisted of bloodwork which is personally rough because I seriously hate needles. No matter what, I tend to squirm when nurses come my way to take blood. Surprisingly I managed to get through that process and things looked well on my end. Next, I was scheduled to have a Hysterosalpingram (HSG) test. I must say that was probably the most disturbing test for me. I remember walking in a surgery room with a nurse. A doctor was there waiting for me. Another set of doctors were in the corner monitoring radiographic screens that would show my cervix. During the radiology procedure, dye is injected into the uterine cavity to show whether or not your fallopian tubes are blocked. Any such blockage in your fallopian tubes makes it difficult for you to get pregnant. 
Prior to having the HSG I was advised to take 2-3 Advil before the test to lessen the pain after the procedure. I'm not sure if it helped much because I felt very uncomfortable and the cramping was just too much for me and so I cried until doctors were finished. The nurse did her best to comfort me, quietly whispering in my ear that things would be fine. Fortunately, the procedure revealed my fallopian tubes were all clear and that there was no blockage. That was certainly good news. It looked like it was just a matter of time before I would have a bundle of joy in my life.

Now it's prep time for my first IUI. I had clomid in my system. I had my ovulation kit handy and I was serious about testing my urine every morning for the Luteinizing Hormone (LH).The directions seemed easy and for some reason I felt very positive. Seriously the entire process helped me learn my body more intimately. On May 7th my LH levels were high so I headed into the doctor's office for my first IUI. The surge in LH levels occurs right before ovulation and pinpoints your most fertile days to get pregnant. Unfortunately nearly three weeks later my period came on but I wasn’t too disappointed.  In June my husband and I repeated the same process. We were unsuccessful yet again. Then in July we tried another IUI. Two weeks later we were expected to head to the doctors for a pregnancy test. To me, I was pregnant. More days passed by and then it was 18 days after my third IUI and I felt like I waited long enough to find out if I was pregnant. The goal was to call my doctor in the morning but to my surprise my period came on before I had the chance to make that appointment.  I was distraught. This may sound odd but I don’t even think I shed one tear. At that very moment I became numb. My husband and I have been trying for two years and it was starting to damage us and our relationship. 

Every single test and or medical procedure determined that I was perfectly healthy therefore leading doctors to categorize my situation as "unexplained infertility".  You would think that I would have been happy to learn that I didn’t have fibroids, cervical polyps or endometriosis. Basically conditions that make it hard for women to get pregnant but I actually became quite depressed.  It didn’t help much that there wasn’t anyone close to me that could coach me through this experience. As far as I knew I thought getting pregnant would be easy. Do you know that there are only a limited number of days each menstrual cycle when a woman can get pregnant?  You have a few days before ovulation and only 24 hours after it occurs.  The next step would be to try In Vitro Fertilization (IVF) which involves combining eggs and sperm outside the body in a laboratory. Once an embryo is formed then it is placed in the uterus. It's an expensive procedure along with adoption I just wasn’t ready for it at that time. Besides it was now August 2013 and I was trying to cope with not being pregnant after doctors promised me I would be with child.  

I guess you can say I'm still in the grieving period. Most days I'm strong. In fact, my attitude these days is "If it's meant to be then it will happen". But there are days when I become sad but I've learned that it's ok and normal to have such feelings.  Sure August 2013 has come and gone but I'm no longer on a schedule to get pregnant and that has helped tremendously. So I encourage all women to be strong, keep trying and don't stress by trying to plan every single detail in your life.  Love your life and your situation. In fact use what's going on in your life to strengthen those around you.  

 

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