To the extreme....
I often laugh at some of the things that crossed my mind when I was trying to get pregnant. At one time, I was willing to do anything. I thought about everything from traveling to Ripley's Believe or Not Museum to rub my hands on an African fertility statue to taking African yams. The story behind the yams is that they're supposed to increase fertility and your chances of having twins. I figured why not try for twins.
Sometimes when you're trying to conceive you're willing to go to the extreme. I would spend hours on the internet looking for anything that could help me achieve my goal of becoming a parent. The idea of living without a children really freaked me out. The thought of being alone with my spouse saddened me. I thought one of us would eventually die, leaving the other to grow old alone.
All kinds of thoughts would run across my mind until I started to change my mindset. "Is there life without children," I thought. How can I get over this hurdle and will people poke fun at my failure to conceive," were just a few of the questions that cluttered my brain.
We never know why we're faced with challenges but one thing is certain how we handle them makes a difference. Today, I accept my life for what it is and looking to be more optimistic about my future as well as celebrate all of the other great things I have going on.
Infertility isn't the end of the road. If anything it has taught me patience as well as endurance and that's the one important life lesson that we can all benefit from.
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What is TTC? #StartAsking
50 and Pregnant?
My husband told me the other day it doesn't matter if I'm 50 and pregnant, no matter what, he wants a child. To be honest, that freaked me out. "Is he crazy," I thought. I barely have enough energy at 36 years old to be chasing around a baby. I think someone has officially lost his mind. I understand some women are deciding to have children later on in life but that's something I've never imagined. "Is that being selfish?"
Although I never wanted to be a young mother, I've always thought that I would at least have a child by the time I hit 30 years old. I'm trying to ignore the ticking sound to my biological clock but it seems each year, the sound gets louder and more annoying. More so that sound comes from my friends. Surprisingly I really enjoy my childless lifestyle but there are days I daydream about babies. However, one thing I'm not dreaming about is being a mother at 50. I guess right now I'm between a rock and a hard place. I want a baby but I'm not open to having one too late in the game. I often wonder if age should be a determining factor for couples trying to conceive. For now, I rather take things day by day and learn to accept whatever blessings that may come my way even if it's not on my own timing.
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Motherhood takes patience
If it takes patience to be a mother then it must takes patience on the road to becoming a mother. That's a hard pill to swallow for someone like myself who lacks patience but I'm working on it. And I know I'm not alone. While some of my friends are sending their children off to high school, I'm still on the journey to conceive. I'm not actively trying like I was in the past but if it happens, I would embrace the opportunity to be a mom.
In just a few weeks, I'll be heading into the age range where women experience more difficulty getting pregnant. A scary reality I must face. However, I'm always reminded by family and friends that a baby is in my future. One of my closet friends said to me that she had a relative who didn't conceive until age 50, and that I should remain patient. "You mean to tell me, I may have to wait until 50," I frantically thought. Should I even try for that long?
Whatever the case, I'm learning that patience isn't an overnight process. I don't know about you but I strongly believe that's my lesson during this particular chapter of my life. How many people can actually say they mastered patience? I'm the kind of person who wants what she wants now. Unfortunately my "now" has turned into years of waiting for a miracle baby. According to doctors, it's unexplained infertility and my parents just believe motherhood hasn't happened yet due to stress. Other family members point to the men in the family because conceiving appears to be a familiar challenge. As for myself, I think there's something bigger and of course a greater message behind my fertility challenges.
In fact, each time I hear about someone's fertility challenges and all the money some couples spend to conceive just to end up pregnant naturally, I start to look forward to sharing one of those "miracle" stories as well. A few weeks ago, my cousin who suffered from PCOS said after medical treatment and completing adoption classes, she reluctantly took a pregnancy test one day after feeling sick. To her surprise she was pregnant. Now she has a two year old daughter.
"I believe there is more to conceiving than medical treatment! Yes, it does work for some but for those that it doesn't.....Don't give up," she said.
Sure it's normal to feel as time passes there's no hope but my cousin said it best, DON'T GIVE UP! Although I've never imagined fertility challenges to be a part of my story, each passing month, I suddenly feel stronger and willing to "patiently" wait.
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Childless doesn't make you less of a woman
Some days I like to let my imagination run wild. I like to browse the baby section in stores or surf the internet for baby names. There are actually moments, I can see myself with a baby.
But then there are days I try not to think about those things. Sometimes, I also try to avoid events hosted by my peers who have children because of all the baby talk.
It's something about those unsuccessful attempts while trying to conceive that plays with your mind. You sort of feel less of a woman especially when it seems like everyone around is suddenly expecting a child. You start to feel that family just won't understand your situation, so why bother sharing your darkest moments.
I remember the first year, my husband and I started working on a child. It was after our two year wedding anniversary and at that point we were ready for parenthood. It seemed like every month we tried, we would get a new pregnancy announcement. That year at least six couples were expecting. "Is this a joke? If so, I'm not laughing," I thought. The following year, another four shared their pregnancies with my husband and I. We were genuinely happy for those around us but it started to get weird because we felt as if we were missing out on life as a childless couple.
At one point, I felt cheated. But then one of those pregnancy announcements turned out to be one of the biggest blessings in my life. That blessing was my niece. Although I thought as the eldest of my siblings I should have been the first to get pregnant, the moment I saw her, those feelings literally disappeared. She took my breath away. A very dear friend of mine added to my warm feelings when she called me on Mother's Day years later. Who would have thought a phone call on a day I started to dread would also change my life. The name on my cell phone was a familiar one so I picked up. "Happy Mother's Day," shouted my friend. Confused, I respectively replied, "I'm not a mother but thank you." My friend then went on to explain her greeting and said, "As you celebrate your mother remember YOU will have encounters where God will bless you to be a nurturer too to many others." I was intrigued and immediately thought about my instant connection to my niece. Her words truly left a positive impression on me. I thought to myself that my fertility challenges don't make me less of a woman. In fact, being childless simply means I just have more love to give.
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How bad do you want to be a mother?
To be pregnant or Not to be pregnant, that is the question. A very close friend of mine asked me one day during one of my rants, "How bad do you want to be a mother?" The question sort of caught me off guard. I immediately thought, "I don't know." She had a very good reason for the question and it was something I never actually thought about. It was Adoption!
According to the Adoption and Foster Care Analysis and Reporting System there were more than 400,000 children waiting to get adopted around this time last year. That's heartbreaking and still is a very tough decision for someone, like myself, who always dreamed of having a child from her own womb. To be honest, adoption never seemed to be an option. So many things kept me from fully exploring that avenue. First, "How do I explain an infant without pregnancy pictures?" Another thing that haunts me is, "Will people consider me LESS than a woman because I didn't give birth to this child?" Those reasons may sound crazy to you but they're hard to erase out of my head. My husband has certainly shot down the idea of adoption but that's because I think he's not educated on the subject.
One thing my friend did by posing that question is make me look at motherhood from a different perspective. Sure it would be nice to have children, genetically connected to my spouse but how bad do I want to be a mother? Do I just want to be pregnant or do I want to nurture a child and provide a loving home? It would really be nice to do both actually. Today, I can't say that I'm moving in the direction of adoption right now but my friend definitely sparked something in me that I'm sure to explore further. I'll never know why I'm faced with the challenge of 'Unexplained Infertility' and what lesson I'm supposed to take from it. Whatever the case, I have so much love to give and look forward to motherhood whether it's through natural childbearing or adoption.
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Top 3 things to avoid if you’ve experienced trouble getting pregnant
I quickly learned that there are some things you should avoid when you’re trying to conceive especially if you’ve hit a few roadblocks along the way. Honestly I thought it would take a few months to get pregnant NOT years. According to my doctor, the reason is “Unexplained Fertility” which simply means I appear healthy with no signs of endometriosis, fibroids or any other condition that can create a challenge for women looking forward to motherhood. My husband and I are both in our mid- thirties and certainly feel the pressure to start a family right now. In fact, my journey has been an emotional roller coaster. However, there are some things those of us in the “Trying to Conceive” community can do to make sure we don’t fall into a depression.
The following are just a few things I believe women in the TTC should avoid:
BABY SHOWERS-Why torture yourself? At one time, I felt obligated to accept every baby shower invitation that came my way. The year my husband and I started working on a baby, we were invited to five baby showers. One hit too close home. My younger brother announced he and his significant other were expecting their first child. I was torn. “I’m the eldest. I should be having my parent’s first grandchild,” I thought. I ended up in tears at some of the baby showers or at least holding tears back. I find myself overwhelmed with grief at baby showers even when I think I’m strong and comfortable with my “childless” status. The remedy: Ignore the invitation and if you’re extremely close to the person, be open and honest about your feelings first then throw the invitation away.
BIRTHDAY PARTIES-This may be a tricky one for some people. I have a few close friends with children and I absolutely love being around their kids. However, my husband and I tend to get invites to children birthday parties a little too often. It can be very awkward being the only couple without children at a child’s birthday party which is why I either send a gift without attending or once again ignore the invite.
BABY TALK-“When are you having children?” That’s a question I try my best to avoid with simple answers. I often say, “In due time,” or “I don’t know.” If the person is really pushy, I’ll respond with a question for them or just bluntly say that’s a personal question and move on from there. People may make up things in things in their own mind to answer that question but that’s not your problem and should not be your concern. People assume every woman who is married should eventually move on to motherhood but the reality is NOT “childless” women are looking to be a mother. It’s a choice as well as a personal question that no one should feel obligated to answer or discuss.
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Lending A Helping Hand
My husband and I quickly learned that fertility treatments are expensive. In fact, trips to the doctors, medications and some of the less expensive treatments such as intrauterine insemination, can add up fast. I'm often faced with the difficult question, "Is IVF an option?" I must admit, I haven't given it much thought because of the expense. Whatever the case, I’m on a mission to educate couples and share options which are available for people looking forward to parenthood. Believe it or not, there are several grants and programs designed to take off the financial burden often felt by couples trying to conceive.
The following are listed below.
Angels of Hope Foundation rewards its Creating Miracles Grant to financially burdened couples who need fertility treatments to conceive a child. Only married couples living within a certain radius to Morris, Illinois are eligible.
BabyQuest Foundation is a non-profit organization whose goal is to grant financial assistance to those who cannot afford infertility treatments such as IUI, IVF, egg donation, and surrogacy. Applications are accepted from couples living anywhere in the United States.
Bringing U Maternal Paternal Success (B.U.M.P.S.) is a non-profit organization in Florida that assists couples who have difficulty conceiving by providing grants for them to receive fertility treatments.
The Cade Foundation has been providing grants to those struggling with infertility since 2004. The grant limit is set at $10,000 per family, helps couples pay for fertility treatment costs associated with fertility treatments or domestic adoption.
The InterNational Council on Infertility Information Dissemination offers a national scholarship program designed to help couples who cannot afford IVF fertility treatments on their own. This program actually involves fertility doctors from the across the United States willing to donate their state-of-the art facilities and services to couples.
The Madeleine Gordon Gift of Life Foundation helps needy couples in the greater Cincinnati area. To be considered, couples must not have any children together or have undergone previous IVF treatments. They must have a demonstrated need for IVF, be in good health, and have a combined family income of less than $70,000.
Please note: Couples will have to demonstrate financial need and submit required documentation including medical information. The criteria/rules at each foundation are not the same.
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I Choose Happiness
I had a situation at work once that made me look at my life in a negative way. I couldn’t help but to look at one of my co-workers who returned to work after having a baby in an unflattering light. I thought to myself, "She's living the life that I'm supposed to be living". “How dare she flaunt it in front of me.” I didn’t desire to be her. Neither did I envy her because quite frankly, she appeared to be needy and often starved for attention. Ironically, it was that lack that I identified with. I didn’t lack attention in my marriage or in my professional life, but I was lacking something I wanted so dearly, a child. I think the thing that really hurt me at that time was when I opened my email and read that my co-worker was returning to work only part-time, so she could spend more time with her growing family. That's when my former plans hit me smack in the face. My plan was to get pregnant and eventually decrease my hours to part-time. Unfortunately, that never happened and the email reminded me of that.
The entire day, all I could think about was the fact that she was living out my dream. I also began to wonder if planned pregnancies were overall more difficult to achieve. According to the Guttmacher Institute, the average American woman spends about five years trying to become pregnant and nearly three quarters of her reproductive life trying to avoid pregnancy. I also learned that 51 percent of 6.6 million pregnancies in the United States are unintended. That means the pregnancies were either mistimed or unwanted, while leaving about 49 percent of the pregnancies planned. The sad thing was that information just didn't help my bothersome thoughts. I remember tossing and turning the night before she returned, dreading to hear stories about her newborn baby. In fact, I was also dreading all the stories from the other parents in the office. I swear the next morning came too quickly. The next thing I knew, I was forced to get my weightless (limp) body out of bed and prepare for work. I had a hard time getting myself together, and moved extremely slow.
That morning I suddenly had a flashback of an incident. I was at the airport in Atlanta rushing for a flight to New Orleans. There in the security checkpoint line was a woman holding her baby on her hip. This may sound crazy, but I really wanted to walk over and slap her. The reason was simply because this woman was a mother. My husband was standing alongside me. I turned to him and said, "Honey, I don't like her." He questioned why and when I gave him my reason he laughed it off, but I was serious. I was angry at nearly every woman prancing around with a child. But despite my depression, I ended up laughing it off like my husband did. By the way, I'm not crazy and would never do any such thing. However, I've experienced some emotional moments during this "trying to conceive" period.
Anyway, eventually it was about that time for me to leave the house and go to work. During my drive all I could do was think about a way to be happy. I still have to do that sometimes to keep myself from falling apart. While in the car, I was reminded of a conversation I had with a friend about happiness, and how it is a choice. That very moment I said out loud, "You will choose happiness". I repeated it slowly several times so that it would sink in. Of course I didn't know how I was going to do so, and was nervous all the way up until I walked inside the office. But without much thought, that's what I did. I began to smile. It was a real one too, and not like the smiles I would put on just to keep folks from seeing my vulnerable side. I did it. I made it through the day with all the pictures and stories.
In short, it truly felt good choosing happiness because we should rejoice with others. So today I ask, when faced with heartache, do you choose happiness over the hurt? I’m a witness it works.
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