Infertility gave me a purpose
Nearly five years later and still no baby. I hold up well most days. It's a life I had to get used to even though every once in awhile a pregnancy announcement takes me back to the period where I was desperate to have a baby.
Some couples really get creative with their pregnancy announcements. Then there's the couple that blurt out the joyful news.
"I'm pregnant," I shouted in my head. Is that how I would deliver the news? At one time I used to daydream about how I would announce my pregnancy. Those wishful moments kept me encouraged when I was trying to conceive. Whatever the case, if I had the opportunity I would prefer to be creative with the announcement instead of blurting it out.
Recently, that's exactly what happened to me. A friend during a phone conversation just randomly said, "I'm expecting another baby." I was caught off guard. The soft outburst made me freeze, immediately causing my stomach to tighten and I quietly became filled with sadness. It was a feeling I haven't felt in awhile. Inwardly I screamed, "Why is this my life?"
In a matter of seconds, I snapped back to reality and realized my friend was still on the phone. The silence may have confused her but I needed that moment before I replied, "That's great news. I'm so happy for you." Three years earlier, my friend experienced fertility challenges. She eventually conceived naturally after a series of treatments. Now, she's pregnant with her second child. Again she conceived naturally after seeking fertility help.
So many things were going through my mind during that phone call. I wanted to immediately end the conversation or at least scream to the top of my lungs to blow off steam. I managed to stay on the phone though and smile but as soon as that call ended I went into deep thought. I began asking myself a series of questions.
"Do you want children? Why do you want children? Are you seriously okay without having any children? What would your life be like right now if you achieved what you prayed for five years ago," are just a few of the questions that I've asked myself.
Then it hit me. My infertility journey has changed me for the better. It has given me purpose and drive to encourage other women. In fact, I'm still learning too. The lesson is mostly about patience something that I truly lack at times. It's teaching me to think about other people and not myself which is often challenging for me. It's also teaching me that crying is normal and to be human around others.
The truth is, my fertility challenges still takes me on an emotional roller coaster. The ride is ongoing but I wouldn't have it no other way.
CLICK TITLE TO LEAVE A COMMENT
5 things to do when everyone is pregnant and you’re not……
Infertility knows no race
I’ve never considered myself a selfish person until I encountered fertility challenges. After several failed pregnancy attempts, my life became an emotional roller coaster. I took infertility personal and at one point I felt alone. I just couldn’t fully digest “unexplained infertility” because my doctor said there were no signs of a reproductive medical condition.
It took a trip to the hospital for me to recognize my selfish ways thanks to a complete stranger. “Do you have any children,” asked a nurse as she prepared me for surgery. It was one of the coldest days of January and I was having a benign lump removed from my left breast. I quickly replied, “No, I don’t have any children.” Then the jovial nurse followed up with another personal question. “How old are you,” she asked. I answered and without hesitation she said, “I know what you’re going through, so don’t let it ruin your marriage. He’s suffering too.” My husband had just stepped out of the room and I was alone with the nurse when she made that comment. However, at that very moment, it hit me that I’ve never thought how infertility affected my husband. I only thought about myself and how it made me feel.
I don’t know how the nurse knew about my struggle but she certainly gave me something to think about. Maybe it was the way my husband and I looked at each other when questioned about children. According to the nurse, her marriage nearly came to an end because of infertility. Fortunately, after five years of trying to conceive she eventually became pregnant.
Statistics show that 1 in 8 American couples struggle with infertility. It’s a condition that’s just as familiar to men as it is to women. The truth is none of us are alone especially if you’re in a relationship. We are often surrounded by men and women who struggle daily with infertility. Why? Because it’s a condition that knows no race, sex, or age. So let's raise awareness, and encourage more open discussion so couples aren't ashamed to walk in their truth.
CLICK TITLE TO LEAVE A COMMENT
Fertility Struggles? This song list may help.
No Less Than a Woman- (Lady Saw) I discovered this song during a day I needed encouragement the most. The reggae artists stresses that not having children doesn’t make you less than a woman. The message is a very comforting one. My favorite line: “I have so much love to give to so many unwanted kids.”
There’s Hope-(India Arie) This particular song has a melody that will instantly uplift you. No matter what you're going through, the musician behind this song encourages you to smile and reminds you to have hope.
Always-(Jessica Reedy Unplugged) The lyrics in this song are very inspirational, reminding listeners that “It won’t be like this Always, there will be better days.
Everything Is Everything-(Lauryn Hill) If it’s meant to be, it will be. Fertility Doctors will not have the last say. “Change comes eventually.”
The Baby Dance: Have fun with it!
I love to dance. Sometimes I can be in the car and when a fun beat drops over the radio airwaves, I instantly start dancing. I don't care who is watching. It's funny because my husband is very reserved but once I start dancing, all of sudden he breaks out dancing too. We just love to have fun and it shows once we hit the dance floor.
Fun is how the baby dance started for us. Once we started trying to conceive, it was exciting. I couldn’t keep my mind off babies. I became so obsessed that I even created a baby registry online. I was certain it would only be a matter of time before I became pregnant. I also searched for baby names online and saved a few to my “favorites” list. But when months turned into years the baby dance became work. As a result, I became frustrated. "How much time should we dedicate to the baby dance," I thought. I began to question everything about conceiving a child which I always thought was an easy task. However, I later realized it’s not about the time you spend trying to conceive a child, it’s more about the enjoyment. One thing I believe couples can do wrong when it comes to the baby dance is turn it into work. That's what we became guilty of when we created a schedule and tried adopting methods that shifted us from spontaneous baby dancing to a fertility system. The last thing I wanted to do was turn my sex life into a job. I eventually became a fertility robot always high strung about taking folic acid and tracking my ovulation dates. I lost sight of the fun and became addicted to producing results. Mostly because I’m a thirty-something year old woman who feel rushed because of this annoying ticking sound from my biological clock.
To date, I’m not pregnant. Fertility doctors can’t explain why it hasn’t happen. It’s a diagnosis called “Unexplained Infertility” that many women like myself have to live with. We’re perfectly healthy with no signs of fertility problems. “Maybe you’re stressed,” said doctors. The more I think about things, maybe I am stressed because I put myself on a schedule to get pregnant. Time passes us by too fast to be worrying about schedules, so why waste it. So for now, I’m ready to live in moment, ditch the schedule and just dance.
CLICK TITLE TO LEAVE A COMMENT
Cope. Smile. Fight Infertility
Whether you’re twenty, thirty or forty-something infertility can be tough whether explained or unexplained. However, there are ways to cope and to help women deal with the emotional roller coaster ride. I often felt alone until I started to do a little bit of research. Did you know that 6% percent of married women in the United States struggle to get pregnant after one year of unprotected sex? Also, about 12% of American women encounter challenges to get pregnant regardless of marital status. To my surprise infertility isn’t just a woman’s problem; it’s also a condition that many men experience as well. Although I continue to struggle with who I decide to share my personal story with, keeping a journal and following a few quick tips have helped me tremendously.
1. EDUCATE YOURSELF-When it comes to trying to conceive, people tend to think that it’s an easy task. But it takes more than just sex. Women and men should prepare their bodies. First, start taking vitamins and change your eating habits. It also helps to get to know your cycle by keeping record and tracking your ovulation days. As a result, I can tell when I’m ovulating and the slight discomfort for me usually indicates which side of my Fallopian tube will release an egg.
2. JOIN A SUPPORT GROUP-This was one of the best things I have done thus far. I have such a strong support system when it comes to dealing with infertility now. In fact, I consider many of the people friends because they have helped me smile during a time that appeared nothing but gloomy. So what are you waiting for? Start looking at local groups you can connect with. In the meantime, follow Give Me A Ring and A Baby on Facebook, Instagram (Give_Me_A_Ring_And_A_Baby) or @ringandbaby on Twitter to meet women online struggling with infertility too.
3. ADOPT HEALTHY HABITS-Drop the stress, stop worrying and relax. Keep your life simple by trying not to think about that intimacy time with your spouse as a job. Although it may appear that way because you have to put in a lot of work for that bundle of joy, continue to enjoy your spouse. Take a different approach and try to spice up things in the bedroom with roses, music and little role play…….Hint. Hint.
4. PAMPER YOURSELF-Go to the salon, do a little shopping and take your mind off the baby by indulging in some “ME” time. Sure, the goal is to get pregnant but learn to spend a little time on your mind, body and soul. Trying to conceive should be a fun experience not a time consuming one where you lose sight of yourself.
5. EXPLORE YOUR OPTIONS-Seek professional help and find yourself a fertility doctor. If you have already done so, try thinking about adoption. I would love to give birth to a baby but if that’s not a part of my written story then I would embrace the opportunity to nurture a child through adoption. Just because you decide to explore options such as adoption, that does not mean you’re giving up on the possibility of having a child of your own.