Being successful and single is interesting to say the least. By day I'm a power house in the world of education but by night I'm a single 30-year-old woman who spends the night watching bad reality television shows and making lavish meals for one. Many believe that single life is full of excitement including lots of hot dates but that hasn't been my reality. Dating has almost been non-existent and the ones I have been on ......What can I say? That's another story. Yes I can date whoever, have a variety of men calling me every day, have wild nights but instead I spend my time at home wondering what it's like to have someone. I often wonder what it would be like to have a man daydream about me as much as I daydream about them, send me cards and texts for no reason and simply love me. So here I am, a single woman, living the dream, or perhaps wishing my dream of not being single would come true. Some say it's a lonely life. I say it has given me clarity about dating and specifically allows me to do what I want and cut out all I do not want at this time.
However, it wasn't always this way. Let me tell you about a man I call my “Orange Moon”. The name stems from Erykah Badu’s song, Orange Moon where she describes a very deep relationship. She considers herself an orange moon reflecting the bright light of the sun onto someone. I will never forget the first time I heard that song. It was the fall of my freshman year of college. I instantly fell in love with the words. Badu’s metaphors stuck to my heart like glue and although I was still a young lady back then, I knew exactly where she was coming from. You see that summer before I returned back to school I had met my own "Orange Moon" and we instantly had this authentic yet natural connection. It was the summer of 2003, and I was working at a community center for an awesome program called Philadelphia Freedom Schools. The program served as a positive summer program for students, through mentorship and positive role models. With that, we had to go away to Tennessee in order to be trained for the program. We stayed at the University of Tennessee with thousands of other people who were being trained for their programs, at their individual sites. Every day we would have team building, workshops, and most of all time to bond with individuals from various walks of life. It was during this time I laid my eyes on my "Orange Moon". I was so intrigued by him and he instantly had my attention. By some divine connection we became friends and even after we left training, we stayed in contact. Although, we weren't dating, he always treated me like I was more than just his friend. I remember the first time I stayed overnight at his place. I woke up to breakfast in bed and the sweet smell of scented candles. That's the very day I decided to call him my orange moon. I felt special because of the bright light he reflected on my life. It also seemed appropriate because that's exactly what the sunset looked like through his dark colored curtains, an orange moon. Very little words were exchanged then but his heart spoke to me and at that point I knew he loved me. As friends we hadn't crossed any lines at that point although it appeared something was different.
Years later our friendship blossomed. In fact, one day I received a very random phone call from him. Ironically we ended up tutoring for the same after-school program, and we were both trying to figure out life. At the time, he had a girlfriend. I was single and periodically we carpooled together for our commute. It was just like old times, we would laugh and joke and reminisce about our past. Then one late night, he called me and said that he needed to talk to me. Keep in mind we were best friends at this point, so it was nothing new. "What could he possibly need to talk about," I thought. But his words were firm. He needed to see me in person and of course the next day I went. When I arrived at his house, he was outside and he took me by the hand and hugged me. He began to speak but his words started to sound all mumbled together. The one thing I did hear was how much he loved me. He addressed me by the nickname, "Vanilla Chai". He said, "No one knows me like you. I've tried and you've tried. You've even had someone on and off for ten years. Let's just try us." I was taken back. I didn't know what to say. I knew everything about this man including the names of girls he dated and all his secrets!!! "So how will this ever work?" I thought.
But against my better decisions, I did it! Unfortunately all of the stories I've heard from friends, who fell in love, married, and had children didn’t come close to our ending. Our love was very short lived. It was the both of us. We could never take one another out of the friend zone and frankly there were things that I hated when we were friends, so when we got together, it bothered me even more. I suppressed so many things like the fact that I absolutely hated that we kept a tab on who paid for which date at which time. He never really courted me. I hated that he smoked and the intimacy between us wasn't what I had expected. I would often complain to my friends, but never to him.
What was happening to us? Our relationship quickly spiraled out of control after I took a much needed trip with my girls to Las Vegas. I was going to celebrate my 26th birthday. Prior to the trip, my best male friend turned boyfriend kept asking me what I wanted to do when I got back from Vegas. I would simply give him very vague answers, because at that point I wasn't sure if we were right for each other.
That weekend in Las Vegas, I didn't call or text. I sort of decided that I was over it. When I came home he texted and said he couldn't take me out but he would cook a birthday meal for me. I was quite annoyed at the gesture and wanted something more. So I became upset and that man truly knew me because he knew I was pissed. He was use to my random shut downs (I know now that shut downs don't deal with issues). I neglected to tell you that I'm the only child so I'm used to getting spoiled. For weeks we didn't talk, even though he asked daily for me to open up. So you know what happened next, we ended our relationship. And that's the beginning of my dating woes. Looking back perhaps if I had opened up, things would have been different. He was truly my best male friend and the last thing that I would have wanted was for us to dislike one another.
However, one thing was for certain, he was my orange moon. He reflected his light onto me. He always gave great advice and our connection was truly genuine.
I won't deny it. I guess I did sabotage our relationship while in Vegas by my lack of communication and hurt feelings. Nevertheless, each time I hear Erykah sing, "I'm an Orange Moon," I will forever think of him and smile.