Top 6 Dating Tips to Obey

Too many dating rules, ugh!

You’ve tried everything. To name a few, dating websites, blind dates, speed dating and the list goes on. But have you taken a look at your approach and habit lately in regards to dating?

Below is a list of things to avoid to help lead you possibly to someone worth keeping around. 

1. Don’t put restrictions on love or your feelings. I get it, we sometimes warn ourselves not to fall too fast for folks, but if it happens don’t beat yourself up about it. Don’t be afraid to catch feelings just be smart and remember not to ignore red flags or anything that makes you feel uncomfortable. 

2. Don’t ignore a person’s social media presence. Some folks are known to have multiple personalities. If you happen to be friends with someone you’re dating on social media, don’t ignore or accept their multiple personalities as just normal. It could lead to something dangerous down the road. Also, without stalking, just know it’s cool to check someone out on social media. So don’t be afraid to do a little research. 

3. Don’t rush things. Respect a person’s timing and space. This means allowing the person of interest to develop feelings at their own pace. Be patient. However that doesn’t t mean dating the same individual for 5 years years. It should take that long to figure out if both of you should pursue something more serious. 

4. Don’t jump in bed too fast. Some people are instantly attracted but don’t be afraid to resist it. Physical chemistry is the icing on the cake. It should not be the foundation for the relationship. 

5. Keep your exes name out of your mouth. Being too open about your past sometimes does the opposite of strengthening a bond. It could open you up to heartbreak especially once you share your vulnerable experiences with a stranger.

6. Put away the phone. Today, some of us are glued to our phones but when you’re dating, it is best not to give into distractions. Stay off the phone and listen during conversations. Who knows...you could learn something quite interesting or allow a red flag to slip on by. 

The moment your crush turns into Mr. Right

I still can't believe it's real...

Just a few months ago I was introduced to a man who gave me butterflies.  As Beyoncé "You had me at hello" plays in the background, I'm all smiles because I still can't believe that the two of us are going strong! How many times have you dated Mr. Wrong? Yes, many of us can certainly share a story or two. However, this man is a person I never thought existed. He reminds me daily of love, patience and kindness. Although he's a man of few words, his presence alone gives me peace and comfort. Have you ever been around someone you simply enjoy just sitting with and doing absolutely nothing? That's how I feel when we're together and  binge watching our favorite shows. He's my calm when things get rough, and he's even my personal chef.  The story is a way to a man's heart is through his stomach but it also goes for some women like myself. I'm a true foodie.  I have had so many good meals over the past few months cooked by Mr. Right that I just may blog about them. Ha!

You know there's still hope for many of us women who feel like we're failures at relationships. There's love out there, it's just often times we lack patience and jump around with those who never means is well.  Let me tell you, I'm the perfect example of an imperfect person meeting another imperfect person who's willing to take their time, communicate and let their true self be known early in the relationship.

 I'm so looking forward to our journey because I'm sure it will be amazing. So in the words of my like my girl, Mrs. Carter, 1+1=2 and he definitely has me drunk in love.  I love him like XO... not to mention he captured me with his Halo. It's safe to say at this point my crush is Mr. Right.

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Valentine's Day: The day I fell for all the hype

The year was 2000. It was a cold windy day but that didn't stop me from being fashionable and wearing my bright pink wool coat. My long hair was blowing in the wind periodically sticking to the clear gloss on my lips. I was happy until I walked into my job that day.  I worked at a law firm. I was still in college and the youngest in the office. To my surprise roses were everywhere and being delivered to many of the secretaries who were cheerful like school girls.  I had no reason to be happy.  I was single and recently dumped by my college sweetheart. It's funny how you process Valentine's Day when you're single. You start to say things like, "It's noting but an ordinary day."  This paticular Valentine's Day I desperately tried to convince myself that it was just a regular day. 

However, by the evening my day took an unexpected turn.   I met up with my best friend at the mall. She was single too. Being silly, we started to both joke about our dating lives.  As we visited store after store, something caught my attention. It was a pink balloon and it matched my coat. On the balloon it read, "Congratulations on your engagement!" Suddenly mesmerized and without hesitaion, I purchased it. When my friend noticed my purchase, she shouted, "You're so crazy!" Then we both burst into laughter. 

In that moment, yes I was crazy and wanted to feel special like every other girl walking around with flowers, stuffed animals and holiday candy.  That's just what happened, when I began to walk around the mall with my balloon. I immediatley felt special.  "Congratulations," people shouted from across the mall. Then there were those who slowly put their heads down possibly boiling with more hate for cupid. The black leather gloves I wore that day made my fake engagement easier. Shockingly, no one asked to see my ring finger and quite frankly I'm glad no one was bold enough to ask about my "engagement" details. What I did enjoy was all the love and attention.

Sure that's what we want sometimes, and there's nothing wrong with it even if it is only for short moments.  However, I later realized that the Valentine's Day craze forced me to fall for all the hype. Thankfully that only happened once. Today, it is seriously just another day. 

I'm older, more mature and now married.  It's funny because one day when my husband and I were only dating we decided to run out to the mall. It was another cold day and I needed a case for my cell phone. As we walked around, we couldn't help but notice couples everywhere. There were long lines in restaurants and most peope were draped in red clothing. We thought it was the weirdest thing. So as we were exiting the mall, I approached a couple. "Excuse me, what's going on today and why is everyone wearing red," I softly whispered. The couple looked stunned and the woman then loudly replied, "It's Valentine's Day!"  Like a deer-in-headlights, I looked at my boyfriend and just laughed. To think there was a time I stressed myself out over the holiday, amazed me. I'm loved and cherished so much that today when "V" day rolls around I'm oblivious to it. The lesson is don't wait around for someone else to make you feel special, just show yourself some love until that special someone comes sweeping you off your feet and making you feel like every day you're his sweetheart. 💋

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When a guy gives you butterflies…..

To say that I'm nervous is an understatement.  Where do I start?

So a really good friend of mine wrote the most unusual yet sincere statuses on social media about her brother. It was his birthday and out of love she posted what I thought to be the sweetest and funniest post about him ever. She not only gave him a birthday shout-out but she also put out an ad for his future wife.  It immediately caught my attention.  “This is hilarious,” I said to my myself as I burst into laughter. At that moment I also took a closer look at the picture and then I realized that I actually met my friend’s brother many moons ago. I remember as if it took place yesterday. One night while out dancing the night away with my girlfriends, we worked up an appetite and decided to go grab something eat at a local restaurant. When we walked in I saw my friend (the one who posted the social media status honoring her brother) and guess what, he was with her that night. This is all coming back to me because that particular evening my friend’s brother complimented me and thought my blazer and pumps combination was quite stylish. “Thank you,” I said with a smile.  We exchanged a few more words, laughed a bit and that was it.

Fast forwarding to the day when my friend posted that warm announcement about her brother, I couldn't help but to reach out to her. She explained to me that although the post was a joke, she was very serious about finding him a date. I thought, “I’m single and maybe I should contact this man.” My friend and I laughed about it and before I knew it we had been texting all day while I was at work, and before I knew it, my friend sent me her brother’s phone number.

I'm certainly not the lady with the three day, three-week, one-month rule, so I texted him later on that night. Surprisingly, he replied right away and by the next day we were on the phone for hours. So far, he’s funny, seems to be a gentlemen and very thoughtful. This is by far the most random connection that I've ever experienced. I'm certainly nervous about our brunch date, and can’t shake these butterflies in my stomach.  However, I’m very interested in seeing where this could go. Sometimes we stumble upon things that spark up our lives. My single life has been a journey but it’s also been full of good moments.  Trust me you will be hearing more about this guy. In a good way, he makes me nervous and excited at the same time. It’s a feeling I haven't felt in a very long time but a good love story must start somewhere. 

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S.I.N.G.L.E

Self-respect: Being single starts with not only self-respect but self-esteem.  Develop a strong relationship with yourself. There's no telling when Mr. Right will walk into your life.

Invest in one self: Make time to pamper, meditate, and accomplish your goals. This is the perfect time to do so.

New outlook on life: Always think of your glass as half-full not half-empty. Being single is not a death sentence.

Grateful: Take a look at your past and where you are today and be thankful. Remember you're on the right track. No matter how many of your friends are getting engaged, don't think for one minute that you're behind schedule.

Love yourself: It's just that simple. How can you love anyone else without loving yourself?

Enjoy life: Ultimately, enjoy every moment of your life. Single is dating smart and having fun.

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Dance to your own music

One thing I always loved to do is dance in the mirror. There are a few songs that immediately get me on the dance floor. Single life doesn’t have to be boring. Just put on your best pumps and crank the music up on your radio. And DANCE!

Get me Bodied-Beyoncé

7/11-Beyonce

Danza Kuduro (feat. Lucenzo)

Just Fine-Mary J. Blige

Push it-Salt-N-Pepa

Don’t Stop ‘Til You Get Enough

Beautiful-Snoop

Shake it off-Taylor Switch

It takes Two-Rob Base

1 Thing (featuring Eve)-Amerie

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Always protect your heart.

Always protect your heart.  That doesn't mean keep your guard up but pay attention to signs. I dated a man before who I'll call Mr. Rumor.  Why? The reason is simple. This man had many secrets and there were so many rumors circulating around about him that I didn't know what to believe.  Everything from Mr. Rumor being married, divorced and possibly gay. 

To me, the most difficult thing about a rumor is, it may actually be true and could have some validity to it. I will never forget the day I laid my eyes on Mr. Rumor.  He would tell me how much he cared for me, how I was different, and how he wanted to be with me and only me. One night while out with my girlfriends, I learned there was a lot more to Mr. Rumor.  Apparently some of my friends were familiar with him. I eventually started to replay some of the conversations that we've had in my head, eventually questioning him and the friendship we had developed. In a matter of no time our relationship faded because I started to ask questions. I guess making it difficult for him to lie and pressuring him to clarify the rumors. To date, there are still many rumors lingering around about him. 

However, I did learn a valuable lesson from that encounter with Mr. Rumor. The lesson is now a part of my dating 101 rules. I strongly advise women and make it a point myself to always ask questions and never settle. 

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Resolutions? Let's just live in 2016!

At the end of every year we all come up with these ridiculous goals, which we know we will not stick too! My favorite one of them all is when I hear women say "This year I'm going to the gym 5 times a week." When I hear this I giggle every time, I may have even told myself the same exact thing, especially after I've had that yummy cheesesteak that I know I had no business eating. However, I tell myself that it’s ok this one time because this year I'm going to the gym and I’m losing 30 pounds.  Ha! Yeah right, just like I lied about the gym and eating only one cheesesteak a year, I often find myself saying the same thing about relationships and dating.

Like clockwork, I’d say every New Year's Eve that this year, I will not go backwards in dating. Yet those late night phone calls and texts get me every single time. So this year I didn't make any dating or weight loss goals. The one thing I did was sit myself down and have a very honest conversation.  I made a commitment with myself not to be skinny, but to be healthy.  I promised myself to eat better, and yes I'll have a cheesesteak every now and then but I will commit to eating healthy and becoming one with my Fitbit! 

I also told myself that this year I'm not focusing on finding "Mr. Right" instead I’ll be getting right and working on myself. Last but not least, the most important goal of all is “No More Man Referrals!” I know my friends mean well, but each and every time someone has tried to introduce me to someone, it has been a disaster. Those referrals have often left me questioning our friendship, like wait, “Does this person really know me, because why would my friend ever introduce me to this guy?” Ha-ha, but seriously, I want a connection that is organic, no more match.com lead by friends! My goal in 2016 is to simply grow.  Sometimes single ladies spend too much time counting time and wondering when marriage and babies will fall in place.  The fact of the matter is if we were truly living up to our potential we wouldn't have time to worry.  In due time, love will certainly come and we may even lose a few pounds but for now let's just live in 2016! 

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Computer love….just one click away?

You know one of the humorous things about being single is when you have that one friend who’s now a matchmaker. In my case, I have a few who are matchmakers. Ha! Those so called friend referrals or date set-ups have now turned into dating stories I like to laugh about with friends.  The good thing is some of my bad experiences didn't ruin any of my friendships. But there’s something about those conversations now that start off like, “Girl, I've found the perfect guy for you,” that now make my antennas go up.

While I may have closed the door on friends who like to play “matchmaker” I have turned to one thing I’m sure many of us today can identify with and that’s online dating.  New research reveals that there is no longer a stigma behind online dating and people have turned to the web to find love. I’m shocked myself considering that I thought traditional, face to face, meet and greets would never go out of style.  Of course you know what’s next, I created an online profile. I just had to mostly because my friends strongly suggested I make that a part of my dating experience.

Hmm, what do I say about myself? What picture should I use? These are all important questions especially if you want to snag someone interesting.  I’m like another Carrie Bradshaw from the show “Sex in the City.” Of course with a little more flavor and all I want is man that’s smart, respectful and he must have nice teeth. I've attracted a nice range of profile hits and a few have also caught my eye.

It’s exciting to know that there are people out there with fairy-tale stories about women and men of their dreams, being a click away. To date, I have only run into guys that I would prefer not to date seriously. However, my profile is still lingering around in cyberspace. Why not take advantage of this technology enhanced era and increase my chances of meeting someone. According to the Pew Research Center, about 5 percent of American couples, whether married or in a committed relationships, have met their significant others online.  And with that information, I know there’s hope for the Carrie Bradshaw’s of the world. I may even give some of those self-proclaimed matchmakers in my life another chance at picking my next date. Who knows, I just may get lucky.

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Fear Of Being Unloved

Up until this very recent moment in my life, I've never been single. During those periods between relationships I thought I was single, I actually wasn't. It's true that I wasn't involved romantically or sexually by definition, but I still was yet to be single. 
 
After spending my entire 20's in and out of revolving door relationships, I had enough. I entered my 30th year of life with the promise of finding a husband and having a baby. And that's exactly what happened. But after a year in, baby and all, I decided to end my marriage for a myriad of reasons. The biggest reason being is I had entered my marriage already committed to someone else, or better yet, something else. And my commitment totally ruined my relationship, as it had done a million times before. 
 

Before marrying, I thought I was complete. I had a blossoming career, my own house, and a luxury car to symbolize my success all before I hit 30 years-old. I knew I struggled with inner happiness, but for the most part, I was very comfortable with who I was as a person. I was just too damn comfortable. And my ideal mate would be comfortable with who I was as a person, too. But he wasn't...
 

He never understood my unhappiness, my need to look for external factors to validate me, or that I needed him to be perfect so that I could feel perfect. I was ugly inside, and he was my mirror. A complete ball of mess staring at me every morning and shouting "you insecure little girl, what have you done"? I had no business getting married. I wasn't ready. I was too much in love and committed to fear. Fear of being unloved. Fear of being alone. Fear of being incomplete. Fear of being a single parent. It was the only consisted relationship I had ever known. It's always been around stirring up drama in my physical relationships, highlighting my insecurities, and turning me into some sort of spectacle. It controlled me. 
 

 I remember after the birth of my daughter, my depression worsened. I could hardly recognize the woman I become. I was in a loveless marriage not only with my husband, but with myself. I hated myself. There was no way I was going to survive. I had to end the lie and put a stop to the destruction I was causing. I didn't deserve it and neither did my husband. We both deserved happiness, and our daughter deserved a loving home. So I filed for divorce and simultaneously, ended my commitment to my fear of being unloved, alone, and incomplete. 
 

 I spent the first year or so after my divorce was finalized dedicating my energy into building a healthy relationship with myself. It was the most difficult experience I've had thus far. I grieved our failed marriage with very little support from friends and family, all while trying to maintain some sort of strength to raise my daughter. My nights were filled with crying spells wondering when the pain was going to end. Little did I know it wasn't just my marriage I was ending, I was also ending the part that prevented me from receiving authentic love. 
 

 I had to dig deep into my soul where I had buried my childhood hurts, disappointments from past relationships, and the resentment I held against myself for repeatedly ignoring red flags. I had to learn how to the love and care for me. How do you do that when no one has shown you how? I prayed all day, every day. I let the past go. I denied fear access to my life. In the end, I saw the difference in my attitude, mood, and my choices. I suffered. I recovered. I healed. It has made all the difference. I no longer operate out of fear. I'm finally single, happy and ready for love. 

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Never Settle

I have spent the past 11 years dealing with a man who I thought I would spend the rest of my life with.  I guess you can say I put all my eggs in one basket when it came to that relationship. Even through turmoil, I still believed that he was the one!  In the beginning, our relationship was good, at least three of the years. 

 In fact, our relationship really changed after my grandmother informed me of a conversation she overheard in a grocery store. Two women were talking about a wedding they had attended. The name is what shocked my grandmother because the very unique name was familiar to her and ended up being the person I was dating at that time.  Of course my grandmother called me with the information.  My heart literally stopped and I felt like the room was spinning.  I said, "No, grandma.  He did not get married."  At the time he admitted to cheating and had a baby on the way but nothing was ever mentioned about a marriage.  Long story short, my boyfriend was not only having a baby but now belonged to another woman. He did get married.

 However, I thought that even through his infidelity, secret marriage and baby he had while we were together that he would still come around and possible marry me. That never happened even though I tried to erase those bad memories from mind by dating.   Perhaps, if I didn't invest all of my time into him, I would have probably met some really nice men to date or better yet, I could have been married by now. I guess that’s the danger of putting all of your eggs in one basket.  I absolutely put too much of my energy into one man just because in my mind I wanted him to be the ONE.  I know now that the mistake I made was that I settled and I didn't value my self -worth.

Today, as a single woman, I strongly encourage women not to settle, and know their worth. If you do, you'll save yourself from meaningless relationships and people who are just not good for you. 

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You're Not Alone

The simple answer for some single women, who question their “alone” status, lies in the statistics. Well that’s at least what I think. According to Wikipedia, men actually outnumber women across the world but fortunately in the United States the ratio of men and women is nearly even with 98 men to 100 women. Although, statistics show the number of men has gradually increased each year since the sixties, it doesn't look that way everywhere across the globe. For an example, Caribbean Islands has the highest ratio of women with 84 men per 100 women.

Before I met my significant other, I remember dating as fun. Pretty much something my father pushed me into doing. It was 2006, and I was living at home with my parents. I've always had lots of friends but back then I would spend a lot of time relaxing in my room by myself. Until one day, my father said, “Girl this is as young as you’re going to ever look, get out of the house and have some fun.” That’s all it took. I immediately stopped turning down calls to go out. I learned how to really manage my social life while setting aside appropriate time for my career. Literally every night I had something on my calendar. Dating for me started out as simple friendships with some folks. I've always loved meeting new people and sparking up conversations with random people even if it was at the grocery store.

But during my early twenties, I still wasn’t that optimistic about my romantic future. I had several moments where I questioned whether or not I would meet prince charming. In fact, there were even times, when I would be out and look at other couples and scream, “WHY” in my head. “Why is he with her?”  I would ask myself all the routine questions some single women tend to whisper to themselves. I remember a friend of mine called me once to share some good news. A quick glance at my cell phone, I didn’t recognize the number but I recognized the voice as soon as I answered. “Guess what,” she said. Very calmly I said, “What, do you have to tell me?” The surprise was that she was engaged to get married. Of course I immediately became happy especially because I knew her most private struggles with men. It also hit me at that same moment that maybe I’m doing something wrong.

I understand today, with computers and social media “dating” has really become tainted. Some people have become too comfortable with sending text messages or communicating through social media platforms. That I can truly see as a challenge alone. I consider myself fairly young but still very old school. I always wanted to see a person’s face during an intimate conversation, take a long walk, have dinner and melt at the sight of the man going ahead to open the door for me. Is that too much to ask? Absolutely not!  I became more determine to not waste my time on men who weren’t the traditional gentlemen. I started to check off men who couldn’t hold an intelligent conversation and made sure I didn’t date someone because of their height, or any other physical appearances.

I wish I had a secret formula for dating. What worked for me will not work for every person looking to settle down with the right one. I can only suggest keeping your standards high, and saying no to all those gut feelings that tell you to settle. Who says you have to be married by 25, 30 or 40 years old for all of that? Who are you racing against? I have to constantly remind myself of that in other areas of my life so trust me you’re not alone. Don’t be deterred by the ratio of men to women. Just get out for the right reasons, let your hair down, dance like no one is watching and enjoy every moment of your life.  Whether you’re sharing those moments alone or with someone special, you’ll quickly see as you start to do that, things will turn around for the better, even if the only thing that improves is your social life. Statistics show people who have lots of good friendships live longer.

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A True Gem

The very thought that I'm a single woman in my thirties and have never come close to hearing that special question "Will you marry me?" haunts me like a bad dream. Even though that bothers me, it doesn't mean that I'm hopeless. Sometimes, I just wonder if I'll ever hear those words. But until then, I keep my hopes high knowing it will happen.

I will never forget the day that I laid my eyes on the engagement ring section of the Tiffany & Co. catalog.  It was beautiful, and nothing short of classic! As I sat on my sofa and shuffled through the pages, I couldn't help but to stare at the the "Tiffany Setting" engagement ring. It was a round solitaire diamond, and it just screamed my name. I instantly fell in love. From that day on, I had in my mind that the man of my dreams would get down on one knee, and ask me to marry him. He would reach in his pocket, and pull out a perfectly wrapped blue box. I would scream in joy, with tears running down my face, as he gracefully slides on the ring.  So every month when my Tiffany's book would come in the mail, I would turn straight to the engagement section and stare at my dream ring. I even went as far as printing the picture, and placing it on my refrigerator. It was my constant reminder that I wanted to get married and have a dream wedding.

Well, life didn't exactly happen the way that I imagined. As all of my friends were getting engaged and receiving beautiful rings, I was still daydreaming about that day. To be honest I still often think about getting proposed to by someone special. 

One day while having lunch downtown, I decided to treat myself to a little gift. So I took a walk to Tiffany's & Co. Oohh I was so excited. After all, what girl doesn't love a nice piece of jewelry? I walked in and suddenly my heart started pounding out of my chest, while my eyes nearly popped out of the sockets. It's not like the sudden rush of excitement came because it was my first time in the store. That certainly wasn't the case. As I walked over to the counter to look at the new bracelets, I couldn't help but notice a couple shopping for what seemed to be wedding or engagement rings. Apparently I was in some sort of trance and had been ignoring the sales lady who spent about five minutes trying to get my attention.  I was simply in a daze. Eventually, I snapped out of it and started on my journey to find a "pick me up piece", or a "pain killer" as I call it! I settled for an infinity necklace. But for some reason, I kept thinking about the engagement rings that were nearby. The sales lady walked away to wrap my purchase. When she came back with my blue Tiffany's bag, I nervously asked her if "I could see the engagement collections". She smiled and said "Are you trying to tell that special somebody, something?” Of course I smiled and told a tiny white lie. I replied, "Yes!” In my heart I knew that the only special person was myself.  For years I dreamed about this beauty, so I had to at least touch it! As I sat down, the sales lady pulled out the "Tiffany Setting" round solitaire diamond. My heart skipped a million beats! I suddenly felt the urge of tears ready to roll down my face. Thankfully, I held back my tears and instead held the ring between my thumb and index finger. I didn't want to try it on. Holding the ring was overwhelming in itself.

I'm sometimes bothered at the thought that I may only get close to my dream ring again, or any diamond ring for that matter, by only purchasing it myself. Surprisingly though, a part of me is still optimistic. I'm sure many women dream of the day they are asked to share the rest of their lives with someone. I can't even spend a half of minute with a man. Lol!  Until my day comes, I still dream of the man that makes my heart flutter, and the "Tiffany's" ring that comes with him.

I'm sure many single women may feel the exact same way that I often feel. So when you're feeling down please don't torture yourself, and memorize any pages of a jewelry book that has your dream ring in it. Just use the energy and try something new like a pottery class or yoga. Yes having a man get on one knee with a timeless diamond may be my dream, but having Mr. Right by my side is the true gem!

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Ready to bump into Mr. Right

Every night when I go home to an empty apartment it hits me that I’m really single.  

During the workweek each day as I drive home, I find myself paying attention for some strange reason to the couples that are having dinner outside of those cute cafes and downtown restaurants and enjoying the warm weather. I would argue that the summer is my least favorite time of the year because all I see are people flooding my timelines on social media with selfies, vacation pictures, or dinner dates while I’m sitting on my sofa watching the same movies on the Lifetime Channel over and over again. That's typically when my mind starts to wonder, questioning myself, "Why in the world am I single?"

Here's a rundown of my weekend. On Friday nights while some single people have dates lined up or at least options, I’m home starring at my iPhone.  I tend to vicariously live through other people's excitement on social media as I scroll through my different accounts. Of course I could go through my contact list in my cell phone and reach out to some old flames and go out but the question is, "Do I really want to take steps backwards or better yet pay for my own meal, drive my own car, go to a chain restaurant that I haven’t frequented since college?"  I’m sure you already know the answers to those questions.  One would think as a city girl living in a place with so many things to do, it would be easy to find a date, but that's simply not the case. 

As for my Saturdays, they're even less exciting.  On Saturday morning, my day always begins with me making a huge cup of coffee, cooking what I believe is a healthy breakfast and sitting on my enclosed porch. It's the one spot in my apartment where I enjoy staring out of my huge Bay window, sipping coffee and listening to some soothing feel-good music. I then prepare my shopping list for that day, and after breakfast you can usually find me in BJ’s, Walmart, and in most cases Target. After a long day of shopping, I go back home to clean and make sure things are in order in my apartment. If all goes well, I may even hang with friends who are either married or in a relationship headed in that direction.  When I do, I'm considered the life of the party. I love to make people laugh and don't let me hit the dance floor. I'm probably the only one with the best moves.  Although it's exciting when I'm around my friends who never seem to mind that I'm always solo, you can imagine what it’s really like to always be the third wheel.  However, we often try to manage time with just the ladies. Who doesn't love a "Girl's Night Out" thrown into the mix some times?                     

Then there’s Sunday which is very similar to my Saturday. Next thing you know the weekend passes me by and the weekday cycle repeats…….Work, Home, Dinner for 1 and sleep! The reality is I often put on a smile on my face, but on the inside I always feel ashamed and embarrassed that after all these years, I'm single. And now that I'm in my thirties, I don't know what to expect. My friends are funny though. It's at least four ladies who are always trying to convince me that my time will soon come. I'm told that I should enjoy and embrace my single status.   

So that's what I'm trying to do and believe me I have some stories to tell. Yes being single can get a bit lonely, but I'm slowly realizing that it’s also a time of reflection and self-growth.  I'm sure true love will find me soon.  Until then I'll work on being happily single. Who knows, now that I stopped looking, maybe I'll trip and bump into Mr. Right!

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A look in the mirror

Being successful and single is interesting to say the least.  By day I'm a power house in the world of education but by night I'm a single 30-year-old woman who spends the night watching bad reality television shows and making lavish meals for one. Many believe that single life is full of excitement including lots of hot dates but that hasn't been my reality. Dating has almost been non-existent and the ones I have been on ......What can I say? That's another story. Yes I can date whoever, have a variety of men calling me every day, have wild nights but instead I spend my time at home wondering what it's like to have someone.  I often wonder what it would be like to have a man daydream about me as much as I daydream about them, send me cards and texts for no reason and simply love me. So here I am, a single woman, living the dream, or perhaps wishing my dream of not being single would come true. Some say it's a lonely life. I say it has given me clarity about dating and specifically allows me to do what I want and cut out all I do not want at this time. 

However, it wasn't always this way. Let me tell you about a man I call my “Orange Moon”.   The name stems from Erykah Badu’s song, Orange Moon where she describes a very deep relationship. She considers herself an orange moon reflecting the bright light of the sun onto someone.  I will never forget the first time I heard that song.  It was the fall of my freshman year of college.  I instantly fell in love with the words.  Badu’s metaphors stuck to my heart like glue and although I was still a young lady back then, I knew exactly where she was coming from.  You see that summer before I returned back to school I had met my own "Orange Moon" and we instantly had this authentic yet natural connection.  It was the summer of 2003, and I was working at a community center for an awesome program called Philadelphia Freedom Schools.  The program served as a positive summer program for students, through mentorship and positive role models. With that, we had to go away to Tennessee in order to be trained for the program. We stayed at the University of Tennessee with thousands of other people who were being trained for their programs, at their individual sites. Every day we would have team building, workshops, and most of all time to bond with individuals from various walks of life. It was during this time I laid my eyes on my "Orange Moon". I was so intrigued by him and he instantly had my attention. By some divine connection we became friends and even after we left training, we stayed in contact.  Although, we weren't dating, he always treated me like I was more than just his friend. I remember the first time I stayed overnight at his place.   I woke up to breakfast in bed and the sweet smell of scented candles. That's the very day I decided to call him my orange moon.  I felt special because of the bright light he reflected on my life.  It also seemed appropriate because that's exactly what the sunset looked like through his dark colored curtains, an orange moon. Very little words were exchanged then but his heart spoke to me and at that point I knew he loved me. As friends we hadn't crossed any lines at that point although it appeared something was different. 

Years later our friendship blossomed. In fact, one day I received a very random phone call from him. Ironically we ended up tutoring for the same after-school program, and we were both trying to figure out life. At the time, he had a girlfriend. I was single and periodically we carpooled together for our commute. It was just like old times, we would laugh and joke and reminisce about our past. Then one late night, he called me and said that he needed to talk to me. Keep in mind we were best friends at this point, so it was nothing new.  "What could he possibly need to talk about," I thought. But his words were firm. He needed to see me in person and of course the next day I went.  When I arrived at his house, he was outside and he took me by the hand and hugged me. He began to speak but his words started to sound all mumbled together. The one thing I did hear was how much he loved me. He addressed me by the nickname, "Vanilla Chai".  He said, "No one knows me like you. I've tried and you've tried. You've even had someone on and off for ten years. Let's just try us." I was taken back.  I didn't know what to say. I knew everything about this man including the names of girls he dated and all his secrets!!!  "So how will this ever work?" I thought.

But against my better decisions, I did it!  Unfortunately all of the stories I've heard from friends, who fell in love, married, and had children didn’t come close to our ending. Our love was very short lived. It was the both of us. We could never take one another out of the friend zone and frankly there were things that I hated when we were friends, so when we got together, it bothered me even more. I suppressed so many things like the fact that I absolutely hated that we kept a tab on who paid for which date at which time. He never really courted me. I hated that he smoked and the intimacy between us wasn't what I had expected.  I would often complain to my friends, but never to him.

What was happening to us? Our relationship quickly spiraled out of control after I took a much needed trip with my girls to Las Vegas. I was going to celebrate my 26th birthday. Prior to the trip, my best male friend turned boyfriend kept asking me what I wanted to do when I got back from Vegas. I would simply give him very vague answers, because at that point I wasn't sure if we were right for each other. 
That weekend in Las Vegas, I didn't call or text.  I sort of decided that I was over it. When I came home he texted and said he couldn't take me out but he would cook a birthday meal for me. I was quite annoyed at the gesture and wanted something more. So I became upset and that man truly knew me because he knew I was pissed. He was use to my random shut downs (I know now that shut downs don't deal with issues). I neglected to tell you that I'm the only child so I'm used to getting spoiled. For weeks we didn't talk, even though he asked daily for me to open up. So you know what happened next, we ended our relationship. And that's the beginning of my dating woes.  Looking back perhaps if I had opened up, things would have been different. He was truly my best male friend and the last thing that I would have wanted was for us to dislike one another. 

However, one thing was for certain, he was my orange moon. He reflected his light onto me.  He always gave great advice and our connection was truly genuine. 

I won't deny it. I guess I did sabotage our relationship while in Vegas by my lack of communication and hurt feelings. Nevertheless, each time I hear Erykah sing, "I'm an Orange Moon," I will forever think of him and smile. 

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