Companionship means Compromise

It's easy to fall in love with the illusion of being in love. The kind of love where you experience nothing but butterflies in your stomach, playful touching, giggles, and the world feeling as if it's standing still when you're with that special someone. Those are all great feelings.

As women we sometimes date and immediately start imagining life with that one special interest who seems simply irresitable. That may not be you but I was 100 percent guilty of behaving this way. Those romantic movies don't help and neither does social media. There's always a friend posting engagement or anniversary pictures with that serious facial expression as if the couple is gazing into each others eyes. "It's sickening," I often think. Well, not really. I'm just overreacting as always but you've seen these pictures on your timeline at least once.

It's really easy to believe that relationships are filled with joy and that you're missing out on life if you're a single woman. The reality is if you allow yourself to get caught up, you may find yourself spending the rest of your life with the wrong person. All because you were pulled into the illusion of being in love and relationships that appear fairytale like on social media.  I have several friends who settled but are currently in unhappy relationships.

Today, I too am a married woman and I often hear my single friends complain about life and being alone. I get it because it can be a bit depressing when you walk into an empty house or don't have someone to share a crazy idea with when it pops up in your head. I can name more but the list of things we dislike doing alone can go on and on. However, instead of naming those things, I rather introduce you to two words, patience and compromise.

It hit me not long ago that I am not good at comprominsing. In fact, I can be selfish at times. Everything is mine, mine, mine. Ten years ago, all I was focused on was a significant other while not correcting myself in the wrong. I'm also impatient and want things fast. I know being this way isn't right which is why I encourage single women to take their time when they date. I truly understand that "Give me a ring" attitude because that was me. However, a single friend recently sent me a text that resonated. We barely talk but she's been determined to find love. The text read, "Name the easiest and hardest thing about marriage." I replied with two words. Companionship I named as the easiest and compromise as the hardest.

Limited patience and compromise aren't problems for every single woman because in some cases women compromise the wrong things like integrity and more. However, the recent text certainly made me think that we sometimes focus too much on the easiest part of relationships which is companionship when we ultimately should be working on ourselves, learning how to compromise the "right" things in order to endure challenges while creating healthier relationships.

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Puppy Love

Do you remember your first love? I'll never forget mines. I guess you'll always remember your first love or what you thought was your first love. Our parents often described young love as "Puppy Love". However, you couldn't tell some of us nothing during those adolescent years.

We had life so figured out, thinking we would marry and have children with that high school sweetheart.  Now, I do have a few friends who married their high school sweethearts, but that wasn't the case for me.

Let me take you back. My high school sweetheart had smooth caramel skin and thick beautiful eyebrows. His bright smile would make you melt. He was definitely a handsome young man.  In fact, his brothers were also very attractive.  My sweetheart lived near my bus stop which looked like concert grounds with a mob of girls around. The girls would always go crazy over him and his brothers. The crazy thing was he was super kind and sweet to only me. He would walk me home, hold my hand and we even went to a few school dances together. We tried to keep together towards the end of my 12th grade year. He was a year a head of me and by the time I graduated and went on to college we lost contact. Years passed and before I knew it we were all grown up.

When I tried to find him again, I was unsuccessful.  I guess it would be very unlikely that we could rekindle our love.  But what if we cross paths again? I wonder if we would let go this time. I'm certain I would hold on tight if I had another chance. I miss him, especially his smile, smooth skin and most of all his heart. With feelings this deep combined with all the time that has passed by, I guess it's safe to say that puppy love can actually be real. 

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Always protect your heart.

Always protect your heart.  That doesn't mean keep your guard up but pay attention to signs. I dated a man before who I'll call Mr. Rumor.  Why? The reason is simple. This man had many secrets and there were so many rumors circulating around about him that I didn't know what to believe.  Everything from Mr. Rumor being married, divorced and possibly gay. 

To me, the most difficult thing about a rumor is, it may actually be true and could have some validity to it. I will never forget the day I laid my eyes on Mr. Rumor.  He would tell me how much he cared for me, how I was different, and how he wanted to be with me and only me. One night while out with my girlfriends, I learned there was a lot more to Mr. Rumor.  Apparently some of my friends were familiar with him. I eventually started to replay some of the conversations that we've had in my head, eventually questioning him and the friendship we had developed. In a matter of no time our relationship faded because I started to ask questions. I guess making it difficult for him to lie and pressuring him to clarify the rumors. To date, there are still many rumors lingering around about him. 

However, I did learn a valuable lesson from that encounter with Mr. Rumor. The lesson is now a part of my dating 101 rules. I strongly advise women and make it a point myself to always ask questions and never settle. 

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Date with Caution

I'm starting to feel like people view this single girl thing as some sort of charity case.  A few weeks ago I received a random message from someone whom I haven't spoken to in years. The reason for the call was just another attempt to set me up on date.  Some of my closest friends have tried playing matchmaker and I’m still single.  The reason is not because I’m hard to deal with, crazy or extremely picky, I just have standards.

However, against my better judgment when my friend asked if she could give my number out to a man she believed had potential, I said yes. “How bad could this be,” I thought. I love meeting new people.  It also helped that my friend spoke highly of the person she thought I would instantly connect with. Now I'm an old school kind of girl so I prefer to talk on the phone rather than text.  However, the potential fellow decided to start our communication off with text messages.  I understand why now.  This man had no concept of verb noun agreement.  He’s in his mid-thirties still using slang as if it was mentally stimulating.

He asked me one day to go have a cup of coffee with him after work. Now I'm already thinking if we can’t have a conversation over the phone, what in the world are we going to discuss over coffee. Once again, against my better judgment, I said OK.  Right before we were supposed to meet, he sent me a text.  It read, "Sorry, I can't make it, my mom won't let me borrow the car”.   I was totally at a lost for words but one thing I learned is that people may look at being “single” as a charity case but when you take up every offer to date random people, you start to look like one. Be single, enjoy it and date with caution.

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Single? Look at the bright-side!

Being a single woman has it perks. Well, that’s at least what I think. Although I often find myself daydreaming about a relationship, I must say I’m beginning to become more patient despite my burning desire to be with a stand-up guy. Hmm, what will he look like? Will he be tall (I love men who tower over me)? Will he be quiet? I’m sometimes extremely curious about my future especially when it comes to a potential significant other. Eventually I quickly snap out of my daydreaming because my imagination can run wild for hours.

At one point in my life, the only thing I could ever think about was marriage but I'm starting to realize that I enjoy my life. In fact, I really enjoy coming home to my diva pad, and I love eating random things for dinner!  I’ve also realized as a single woman that I just don't want to marry someone because I’m in love with the illusion of love.  Relationships should have a solid foundation, love and communication.  I want to be able to laugh uncontrollably with my spouse, I want us to have the same values and morals and I definitely want who ever I end up with to make me smile just by his presence.

You see love comes and love goes in relationships without substance and foundation.  So before I end up in another meaningless relationship, I’m on a journey to get myself together and finally for once take care of me.  I've started taking yoga recently, booked a few short weekend getaways, and so far I love it. When you look at being single from a positive perspective you’ll eventually see that it has its perks. After all getting to know yourself only strengthens and builds a better you.

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Resolutions? Let's just live in 2016!

At the end of every year we all come up with these ridiculous goals, which we know we will not stick too! My favorite one of them all is when I hear women say "This year I'm going to the gym 5 times a week." When I hear this I giggle every time, I may have even told myself the same exact thing, especially after I've had that yummy cheesesteak that I know I had no business eating. However, I tell myself that it’s ok this one time because this year I'm going to the gym and I’m losing 30 pounds.  Ha! Yeah right, just like I lied about the gym and eating only one cheesesteak a year, I often find myself saying the same thing about relationships and dating.

Like clockwork, I’d say every New Year's Eve that this year, I will not go backwards in dating. Yet those late night phone calls and texts get me every single time. So this year I didn't make any dating or weight loss goals. The one thing I did was sit myself down and have a very honest conversation.  I made a commitment with myself not to be skinny, but to be healthy.  I promised myself to eat better, and yes I'll have a cheesesteak every now and then but I will commit to eating healthy and becoming one with my Fitbit! 

I also told myself that this year I'm not focusing on finding "Mr. Right" instead I’ll be getting right and working on myself. Last but not least, the most important goal of all is “No More Man Referrals!” I know my friends mean well, but each and every time someone has tried to introduce me to someone, it has been a disaster. Those referrals have often left me questioning our friendship, like wait, “Does this person really know me, because why would my friend ever introduce me to this guy?” Ha-ha, but seriously, I want a connection that is organic, no more match.com lead by friends! My goal in 2016 is to simply grow.  Sometimes single ladies spend too much time counting time and wondering when marriage and babies will fall in place.  The fact of the matter is if we were truly living up to our potential we wouldn't have time to worry.  In due time, love will certainly come and we may even lose a few pounds but for now let's just live in 2016! 

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JUST SAY NO: 7 men you don’t want

7. The Married Man-I shouldn’t have to list this one but feel it’s necessary.  No matter what kind of dream he’s selling, don’t buy it.  Know you’re worth so much more than a man that’s already taken.

6. The Pretty Boy - Eye candy isn’t always bad unless that’s the only thing the man is bringing to the table. What’s worse is when a man knows he’s quite attractive and thinks he’s a gift to all women.  Of course you want to be able show off your man and gaze into his eyes, just know that there’s more to a man than good looks.  Try taking a look at his character.  

5. The Mama’s Boy-Been there, done that. A man like this will make your life stressful. You’ll never come first.  A man should know the difference between his mother and girlfriend/wife.  He should also be willing to stand up to his mother who conveniently interferes in your relationship. 

4. The Mystery Man/Quiet- I don’t know about you but a man of very few words sort of freak me out to a degree.  I’m not saying all quiet men are suspect but any man that makes it his business to be secretive about any and everything should make your antennas go up.  If you’re dating, you should know the basics, like his last name, home address, career, and hobbies.  If it’s really serious a bit more and have been introduced to his family. 

3. The Lazy One-This is a no brainer, stay away. I don’t care how good he looks, smells or dresses.  Trust me; he’s not worth your time.  This particular guy has a habit to look for women he says can motivate him. It’s good to be supportive but don’t break your back trying to motivate a grown man that’s obviously looking for an easy ride or free meal ticket.

2. The Popular Guy-This man can be overly friendly at times and always seeking attention. Now, there’s nothing wrong with a friendly man but if you find this one always smiling ear to ear at every woman that looks his way then check him off you list immediately.

1. The Male Chauvinist- If you ever come across a man who believes women are inferior to men then do yourself a favor and run as fast as you can.  Sometimes this man poses as a charmer later revealing thoughts of women to be nothing more than objects, laborers and deserving less than equal treatment.

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Time waits for NO one……

I like to think of myself as a “fashionista” if you will.  However, unlike many fashion guru's I have a few signature items that you will always find me in. First and foremost, I will go nowhere without a blazer, even when I'm dressed down I have on a blazer!  Next my glasses, although I really need them for my vision, I'm constantly looking at new trendy styles.  Finally, my absolute favorite thing ever is my watch!  I would always hear my mom say, “You can tell a lot about a man by looking at his watch.”  Growing up, I certainly didn't understand what she meant, but as I got older I understood more and more. I absolutely love a man that wears a nice watch! On the contrary, you can always find me in an awesome time piece. I started really getting into watches once I entered the working world shortly after college.  My ex would always get me watches. He was an older man who knew a bit more than I did when it came to style. The more I became familiar with watch brands and styles, the more I wanted a new watch. Eventually I was introduced to Michele watches and I wanted nothing else! Michele watches are beautiful, timeless, and classy.

One day on vacation, my ex and I decided to go shopping together. We walked into a fancy high-end department store, and there she was... a beautiful and bold watch. This time piece screamed classy lady and I had to have her! At this point the both of us had been together for a few years, so it was only right that a girl gets an awesome gift every now again. He didn't get the Michele that day, but a few months later for my birthday he gave me a gorgeous round classic Michele. At that moment it hit me.  All these years that we had been together, the only piece of jewelry he had given me was a watch. Even though the hands on the watch were moving, our relationship was standing still. The engagement ring I had always dreamed about was just a figment of my imagination. The only diamonds I came close to were the ones in my watch collection.  The only symbol of my ex's love that I ever saw was through the hands of a watch. The hands were moving and time was forever ticking. I finally realized that as time continued to pass us by, our relationship had ran its course. I was never going to be his wife.  Today, I still love collecting watches especially from a nice designer. However, I long for the moment my arm candy is sparkling right along with my left ring finger. 

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Wedding invites or wedding woes?

I don’t know about you but I’m a social media junkie. However, I’m not one of those who tend to live their lives through popular social media sites.  Because of my internet addiction I often find out the latest on everything you can imagine via - Instagram or Facebook. This seems to be exceptionally true when it comes to relationships and those on my friend list that showcase their love online.  You can always tell how someone's relationship is doing by reading their status.  Well, to a certain degree and depending on what they want to expose and how they want you to perceive it.  Likewise, when people get engaged, married or have babies they post it all on social media. I'm starting to believe that the post office will be out of business soon!  LOL!

As I quickly approach thirty-something, I have been invited and attended more weddings that I could have ever imagined.  Although I'm always up for throwing on a nice dress and some pumps, I can't help but wonder if I will ever be a bride.  I'm one of those people who is happy for others when they fall in love, but after every single wedding I attend, I leave wondering if I'm going to have a head full of gray before I walk down the aisle.  It seems like my generation comes from an era where weddings are just one big show, and they often forget the symbolism and Coventry that is aligned with marriage. Whenever I attend a wedding I reflect on the beauty of love and I'm reminded that true love still exists, despite all of the hurtful and painful experiences that I may have had. Sometimes weddings can be a bitter sweet experience for a single woman, like myself but as time goes by, my wedding woes have become less and less. I constantly remind myself that marriage should be a reflection of how much you are willing to give up yourself to love someone else unconditionally.  So now when I go to weddings I ask myself, “Can you only imagine if you were married now? Not one person that you have been with has been marriage material or willing to give up himself to love you, right?”

Today, I've decided that when my moment comes, I’ll accept those wedding invites to be a reminder of God's imperfect love, that only HE could make perfect. So for now, I will enjoy signing hallmark wedding cards of celebration. Oh and of course I will enjoy wearing a new dress and amazing pumps, as I celebrate a couple’s perfect love. 

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Computer love….just one click away?

You know one of the humorous things about being single is when you have that one friend who’s now a matchmaker. In my case, I have a few who are matchmakers. Ha! Those so called friend referrals or date set-ups have now turned into dating stories I like to laugh about with friends.  The good thing is some of my bad experiences didn't ruin any of my friendships. But there’s something about those conversations now that start off like, “Girl, I've found the perfect guy for you,” that now make my antennas go up.

While I may have closed the door on friends who like to play “matchmaker” I have turned to one thing I’m sure many of us today can identify with and that’s online dating.  New research reveals that there is no longer a stigma behind online dating and people have turned to the web to find love. I’m shocked myself considering that I thought traditional, face to face, meet and greets would never go out of style.  Of course you know what’s next, I created an online profile. I just had to mostly because my friends strongly suggested I make that a part of my dating experience.

Hmm, what do I say about myself? What picture should I use? These are all important questions especially if you want to snag someone interesting.  I’m like another Carrie Bradshaw from the show “Sex in the City.” Of course with a little more flavor and all I want is man that’s smart, respectful and he must have nice teeth. I've attracted a nice range of profile hits and a few have also caught my eye.

It’s exciting to know that there are people out there with fairy-tale stories about women and men of their dreams, being a click away. To date, I have only run into guys that I would prefer not to date seriously. However, my profile is still lingering around in cyberspace. Why not take advantage of this technology enhanced era and increase my chances of meeting someone. According to the Pew Research Center, about 5 percent of American couples, whether married or in a committed relationships, have met their significant others online.  And with that information, I know there’s hope for the Carrie Bradshaw’s of the world. I may even give some of those self-proclaimed matchmakers in my life another chance at picking my next date. Who knows, I just may get lucky.

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Fear Of Being Unloved

Up until this very recent moment in my life, I've never been single. During those periods between relationships I thought I was single, I actually wasn't. It's true that I wasn't involved romantically or sexually by definition, but I still was yet to be single. 
 
After spending my entire 20's in and out of revolving door relationships, I had enough. I entered my 30th year of life with the promise of finding a husband and having a baby. And that's exactly what happened. But after a year in, baby and all, I decided to end my marriage for a myriad of reasons. The biggest reason being is I had entered my marriage already committed to someone else, or better yet, something else. And my commitment totally ruined my relationship, as it had done a million times before. 
 

Before marrying, I thought I was complete. I had a blossoming career, my own house, and a luxury car to symbolize my success all before I hit 30 years-old. I knew I struggled with inner happiness, but for the most part, I was very comfortable with who I was as a person. I was just too damn comfortable. And my ideal mate would be comfortable with who I was as a person, too. But he wasn't...
 

He never understood my unhappiness, my need to look for external factors to validate me, or that I needed him to be perfect so that I could feel perfect. I was ugly inside, and he was my mirror. A complete ball of mess staring at me every morning and shouting "you insecure little girl, what have you done"? I had no business getting married. I wasn't ready. I was too much in love and committed to fear. Fear of being unloved. Fear of being alone. Fear of being incomplete. Fear of being a single parent. It was the only consisted relationship I had ever known. It's always been around stirring up drama in my physical relationships, highlighting my insecurities, and turning me into some sort of spectacle. It controlled me. 
 

 I remember after the birth of my daughter, my depression worsened. I could hardly recognize the woman I become. I was in a loveless marriage not only with my husband, but with myself. I hated myself. There was no way I was going to survive. I had to end the lie and put a stop to the destruction I was causing. I didn't deserve it and neither did my husband. We both deserved happiness, and our daughter deserved a loving home. So I filed for divorce and simultaneously, ended my commitment to my fear of being unloved, alone, and incomplete. 
 

 I spent the first year or so after my divorce was finalized dedicating my energy into building a healthy relationship with myself. It was the most difficult experience I've had thus far. I grieved our failed marriage with very little support from friends and family, all while trying to maintain some sort of strength to raise my daughter. My nights were filled with crying spells wondering when the pain was going to end. Little did I know it wasn't just my marriage I was ending, I was also ending the part that prevented me from receiving authentic love. 
 

 I had to dig deep into my soul where I had buried my childhood hurts, disappointments from past relationships, and the resentment I held against myself for repeatedly ignoring red flags. I had to learn how to the love and care for me. How do you do that when no one has shown you how? I prayed all day, every day. I let the past go. I denied fear access to my life. In the end, I saw the difference in my attitude, mood, and my choices. I suffered. I recovered. I healed. It has made all the difference. I no longer operate out of fear. I'm finally single, happy and ready for love. 

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Never Settle

I have spent the past 11 years dealing with a man who I thought I would spend the rest of my life with.  I guess you can say I put all my eggs in one basket when it came to that relationship. Even through turmoil, I still believed that he was the one!  In the beginning, our relationship was good, at least three of the years. 

 In fact, our relationship really changed after my grandmother informed me of a conversation she overheard in a grocery store. Two women were talking about a wedding they had attended. The name is what shocked my grandmother because the very unique name was familiar to her and ended up being the person I was dating at that time.  Of course my grandmother called me with the information.  My heart literally stopped and I felt like the room was spinning.  I said, "No, grandma.  He did not get married."  At the time he admitted to cheating and had a baby on the way but nothing was ever mentioned about a marriage.  Long story short, my boyfriend was not only having a baby but now belonged to another woman. He did get married.

 However, I thought that even through his infidelity, secret marriage and baby he had while we were together that he would still come around and possible marry me. That never happened even though I tried to erase those bad memories from mind by dating.   Perhaps, if I didn't invest all of my time into him, I would have probably met some really nice men to date or better yet, I could have been married by now. I guess that’s the danger of putting all of your eggs in one basket.  I absolutely put too much of my energy into one man just because in my mind I wanted him to be the ONE.  I know now that the mistake I made was that I settled and I didn't value my self -worth.

Today, as a single woman, I strongly encourage women not to settle, and know their worth. If you do, you'll save yourself from meaningless relationships and people who are just not good for you. 

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You're Not Alone

The simple answer for some single women, who question their “alone” status, lies in the statistics. Well that’s at least what I think. According to Wikipedia, men actually outnumber women across the world but fortunately in the United States the ratio of men and women is nearly even with 98 men to 100 women. Although, statistics show the number of men has gradually increased each year since the sixties, it doesn't look that way everywhere across the globe. For an example, Caribbean Islands has the highest ratio of women with 84 men per 100 women.

Before I met my significant other, I remember dating as fun. Pretty much something my father pushed me into doing. It was 2006, and I was living at home with my parents. I've always had lots of friends but back then I would spend a lot of time relaxing in my room by myself. Until one day, my father said, “Girl this is as young as you’re going to ever look, get out of the house and have some fun.” That’s all it took. I immediately stopped turning down calls to go out. I learned how to really manage my social life while setting aside appropriate time for my career. Literally every night I had something on my calendar. Dating for me started out as simple friendships with some folks. I've always loved meeting new people and sparking up conversations with random people even if it was at the grocery store.

But during my early twenties, I still wasn’t that optimistic about my romantic future. I had several moments where I questioned whether or not I would meet prince charming. In fact, there were even times, when I would be out and look at other couples and scream, “WHY” in my head. “Why is he with her?”  I would ask myself all the routine questions some single women tend to whisper to themselves. I remember a friend of mine called me once to share some good news. A quick glance at my cell phone, I didn’t recognize the number but I recognized the voice as soon as I answered. “Guess what,” she said. Very calmly I said, “What, do you have to tell me?” The surprise was that she was engaged to get married. Of course I immediately became happy especially because I knew her most private struggles with men. It also hit me at that same moment that maybe I’m doing something wrong.

I understand today, with computers and social media “dating” has really become tainted. Some people have become too comfortable with sending text messages or communicating through social media platforms. That I can truly see as a challenge alone. I consider myself fairly young but still very old school. I always wanted to see a person’s face during an intimate conversation, take a long walk, have dinner and melt at the sight of the man going ahead to open the door for me. Is that too much to ask? Absolutely not!  I became more determine to not waste my time on men who weren’t the traditional gentlemen. I started to check off men who couldn’t hold an intelligent conversation and made sure I didn’t date someone because of their height, or any other physical appearances.

I wish I had a secret formula for dating. What worked for me will not work for every person looking to settle down with the right one. I can only suggest keeping your standards high, and saying no to all those gut feelings that tell you to settle. Who says you have to be married by 25, 30 or 40 years old for all of that? Who are you racing against? I have to constantly remind myself of that in other areas of my life so trust me you’re not alone. Don’t be deterred by the ratio of men to women. Just get out for the right reasons, let your hair down, dance like no one is watching and enjoy every moment of your life.  Whether you’re sharing those moments alone or with someone special, you’ll quickly see as you start to do that, things will turn around for the better, even if the only thing that improves is your social life. Statistics show people who have lots of good friendships live longer.

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A True Gem

The very thought that I'm a single woman in my thirties and have never come close to hearing that special question "Will you marry me?" haunts me like a bad dream. Even though that bothers me, it doesn't mean that I'm hopeless. Sometimes, I just wonder if I'll ever hear those words. But until then, I keep my hopes high knowing it will happen.

I will never forget the day that I laid my eyes on the engagement ring section of the Tiffany & Co. catalog.  It was beautiful, and nothing short of classic! As I sat on my sofa and shuffled through the pages, I couldn't help but to stare at the the "Tiffany Setting" engagement ring. It was a round solitaire diamond, and it just screamed my name. I instantly fell in love. From that day on, I had in my mind that the man of my dreams would get down on one knee, and ask me to marry him. He would reach in his pocket, and pull out a perfectly wrapped blue box. I would scream in joy, with tears running down my face, as he gracefully slides on the ring.  So every month when my Tiffany's book would come in the mail, I would turn straight to the engagement section and stare at my dream ring. I even went as far as printing the picture, and placing it on my refrigerator. It was my constant reminder that I wanted to get married and have a dream wedding.

Well, life didn't exactly happen the way that I imagined. As all of my friends were getting engaged and receiving beautiful rings, I was still daydreaming about that day. To be honest I still often think about getting proposed to by someone special. 

One day while having lunch downtown, I decided to treat myself to a little gift. So I took a walk to Tiffany's & Co. Oohh I was so excited. After all, what girl doesn't love a nice piece of jewelry? I walked in and suddenly my heart started pounding out of my chest, while my eyes nearly popped out of the sockets. It's not like the sudden rush of excitement came because it was my first time in the store. That certainly wasn't the case. As I walked over to the counter to look at the new bracelets, I couldn't help but notice a couple shopping for what seemed to be wedding or engagement rings. Apparently I was in some sort of trance and had been ignoring the sales lady who spent about five minutes trying to get my attention.  I was simply in a daze. Eventually, I snapped out of it and started on my journey to find a "pick me up piece", or a "pain killer" as I call it! I settled for an infinity necklace. But for some reason, I kept thinking about the engagement rings that were nearby. The sales lady walked away to wrap my purchase. When she came back with my blue Tiffany's bag, I nervously asked her if "I could see the engagement collections". She smiled and said "Are you trying to tell that special somebody, something?” Of course I smiled and told a tiny white lie. I replied, "Yes!” In my heart I knew that the only special person was myself.  For years I dreamed about this beauty, so I had to at least touch it! As I sat down, the sales lady pulled out the "Tiffany Setting" round solitaire diamond. My heart skipped a million beats! I suddenly felt the urge of tears ready to roll down my face. Thankfully, I held back my tears and instead held the ring between my thumb and index finger. I didn't want to try it on. Holding the ring was overwhelming in itself.

I'm sometimes bothered at the thought that I may only get close to my dream ring again, or any diamond ring for that matter, by only purchasing it myself. Surprisingly though, a part of me is still optimistic. I'm sure many women dream of the day they are asked to share the rest of their lives with someone. I can't even spend a half of minute with a man. Lol!  Until my day comes, I still dream of the man that makes my heart flutter, and the "Tiffany's" ring that comes with him.

I'm sure many single women may feel the exact same way that I often feel. So when you're feeling down please don't torture yourself, and memorize any pages of a jewelry book that has your dream ring in it. Just use the energy and try something new like a pottery class or yoga. Yes having a man get on one knee with a timeless diamond may be my dream, but having Mr. Right by my side is the true gem!

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Ready to bump into Mr. Right

Every night when I go home to an empty apartment it hits me that I’m really single.  

During the workweek each day as I drive home, I find myself paying attention for some strange reason to the couples that are having dinner outside of those cute cafes and downtown restaurants and enjoying the warm weather. I would argue that the summer is my least favorite time of the year because all I see are people flooding my timelines on social media with selfies, vacation pictures, or dinner dates while I’m sitting on my sofa watching the same movies on the Lifetime Channel over and over again. That's typically when my mind starts to wonder, questioning myself, "Why in the world am I single?"

Here's a rundown of my weekend. On Friday nights while some single people have dates lined up or at least options, I’m home starring at my iPhone.  I tend to vicariously live through other people's excitement on social media as I scroll through my different accounts. Of course I could go through my contact list in my cell phone and reach out to some old flames and go out but the question is, "Do I really want to take steps backwards or better yet pay for my own meal, drive my own car, go to a chain restaurant that I haven’t frequented since college?"  I’m sure you already know the answers to those questions.  One would think as a city girl living in a place with so many things to do, it would be easy to find a date, but that's simply not the case. 

As for my Saturdays, they're even less exciting.  On Saturday morning, my day always begins with me making a huge cup of coffee, cooking what I believe is a healthy breakfast and sitting on my enclosed porch. It's the one spot in my apartment where I enjoy staring out of my huge Bay window, sipping coffee and listening to some soothing feel-good music. I then prepare my shopping list for that day, and after breakfast you can usually find me in BJ’s, Walmart, and in most cases Target. After a long day of shopping, I go back home to clean and make sure things are in order in my apartment. If all goes well, I may even hang with friends who are either married or in a relationship headed in that direction.  When I do, I'm considered the life of the party. I love to make people laugh and don't let me hit the dance floor. I'm probably the only one with the best moves.  Although it's exciting when I'm around my friends who never seem to mind that I'm always solo, you can imagine what it’s really like to always be the third wheel.  However, we often try to manage time with just the ladies. Who doesn't love a "Girl's Night Out" thrown into the mix some times?                     

Then there’s Sunday which is very similar to my Saturday. Next thing you know the weekend passes me by and the weekday cycle repeats…….Work, Home, Dinner for 1 and sleep! The reality is I often put on a smile on my face, but on the inside I always feel ashamed and embarrassed that after all these years, I'm single. And now that I'm in my thirties, I don't know what to expect. My friends are funny though. It's at least four ladies who are always trying to convince me that my time will soon come. I'm told that I should enjoy and embrace my single status.   

So that's what I'm trying to do and believe me I have some stories to tell. Yes being single can get a bit lonely, but I'm slowly realizing that it’s also a time of reflection and self-growth.  I'm sure true love will find me soon.  Until then I'll work on being happily single. Who knows, now that I stopped looking, maybe I'll trip and bump into Mr. Right!

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A look in the mirror

Being successful and single is interesting to say the least.  By day I'm a power house in the world of education but by night I'm a single 30-year-old woman who spends the night watching bad reality television shows and making lavish meals for one. Many believe that single life is full of excitement including lots of hot dates but that hasn't been my reality. Dating has almost been non-existent and the ones I have been on ......What can I say? That's another story. Yes I can date whoever, have a variety of men calling me every day, have wild nights but instead I spend my time at home wondering what it's like to have someone.  I often wonder what it would be like to have a man daydream about me as much as I daydream about them, send me cards and texts for no reason and simply love me. So here I am, a single woman, living the dream, or perhaps wishing my dream of not being single would come true. Some say it's a lonely life. I say it has given me clarity about dating and specifically allows me to do what I want and cut out all I do not want at this time. 

However, it wasn't always this way. Let me tell you about a man I call my “Orange Moon”.   The name stems from Erykah Badu’s song, Orange Moon where she describes a very deep relationship. She considers herself an orange moon reflecting the bright light of the sun onto someone.  I will never forget the first time I heard that song.  It was the fall of my freshman year of college.  I instantly fell in love with the words.  Badu’s metaphors stuck to my heart like glue and although I was still a young lady back then, I knew exactly where she was coming from.  You see that summer before I returned back to school I had met my own "Orange Moon" and we instantly had this authentic yet natural connection.  It was the summer of 2003, and I was working at a community center for an awesome program called Philadelphia Freedom Schools.  The program served as a positive summer program for students, through mentorship and positive role models. With that, we had to go away to Tennessee in order to be trained for the program. We stayed at the University of Tennessee with thousands of other people who were being trained for their programs, at their individual sites. Every day we would have team building, workshops, and most of all time to bond with individuals from various walks of life. It was during this time I laid my eyes on my "Orange Moon". I was so intrigued by him and he instantly had my attention. By some divine connection we became friends and even after we left training, we stayed in contact.  Although, we weren't dating, he always treated me like I was more than just his friend. I remember the first time I stayed overnight at his place.   I woke up to breakfast in bed and the sweet smell of scented candles. That's the very day I decided to call him my orange moon.  I felt special because of the bright light he reflected on my life.  It also seemed appropriate because that's exactly what the sunset looked like through his dark colored curtains, an orange moon. Very little words were exchanged then but his heart spoke to me and at that point I knew he loved me. As friends we hadn't crossed any lines at that point although it appeared something was different. 

Years later our friendship blossomed. In fact, one day I received a very random phone call from him. Ironically we ended up tutoring for the same after-school program, and we were both trying to figure out life. At the time, he had a girlfriend. I was single and periodically we carpooled together for our commute. It was just like old times, we would laugh and joke and reminisce about our past. Then one late night, he called me and said that he needed to talk to me. Keep in mind we were best friends at this point, so it was nothing new.  "What could he possibly need to talk about," I thought. But his words were firm. He needed to see me in person and of course the next day I went.  When I arrived at his house, he was outside and he took me by the hand and hugged me. He began to speak but his words started to sound all mumbled together. The one thing I did hear was how much he loved me. He addressed me by the nickname, "Vanilla Chai".  He said, "No one knows me like you. I've tried and you've tried. You've even had someone on and off for ten years. Let's just try us." I was taken back.  I didn't know what to say. I knew everything about this man including the names of girls he dated and all his secrets!!!  "So how will this ever work?" I thought.

But against my better decisions, I did it!  Unfortunately all of the stories I've heard from friends, who fell in love, married, and had children didn’t come close to our ending. Our love was very short lived. It was the both of us. We could never take one another out of the friend zone and frankly there were things that I hated when we were friends, so when we got together, it bothered me even more. I suppressed so many things like the fact that I absolutely hated that we kept a tab on who paid for which date at which time. He never really courted me. I hated that he smoked and the intimacy between us wasn't what I had expected.  I would often complain to my friends, but never to him.

What was happening to us? Our relationship quickly spiraled out of control after I took a much needed trip with my girls to Las Vegas. I was going to celebrate my 26th birthday. Prior to the trip, my best male friend turned boyfriend kept asking me what I wanted to do when I got back from Vegas. I would simply give him very vague answers, because at that point I wasn't sure if we were right for each other. 
That weekend in Las Vegas, I didn't call or text.  I sort of decided that I was over it. When I came home he texted and said he couldn't take me out but he would cook a birthday meal for me. I was quite annoyed at the gesture and wanted something more. So I became upset and that man truly knew me because he knew I was pissed. He was use to my random shut downs (I know now that shut downs don't deal with issues). I neglected to tell you that I'm the only child so I'm used to getting spoiled. For weeks we didn't talk, even though he asked daily for me to open up. So you know what happened next, we ended our relationship. And that's the beginning of my dating woes.  Looking back perhaps if I had opened up, things would have been different. He was truly my best male friend and the last thing that I would have wanted was for us to dislike one another. 

However, one thing was for certain, he was my orange moon. He reflected his light onto me.  He always gave great advice and our connection was truly genuine. 

I won't deny it. I guess I did sabotage our relationship while in Vegas by my lack of communication and hurt feelings. Nevertheless, each time I hear Erykah sing, "I'm an Orange Moon," I will forever think of him and smile. 

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