Infertility gave me a purpose
Nearly five years later and still no baby. I hold up well most days. It's a life I had to get used to even though every once in awhile a pregnancy announcement takes me back to the period where I was desperate to have a baby.
Some couples really get creative with their pregnancy announcements. Then there's the couple that blurt out the joyful news.
"I'm pregnant," I shouted in my head. Is that how I would deliver the news? At one time I used to daydream about how I would announce my pregnancy. Those wishful moments kept me encouraged when I was trying to conceive. Whatever the case, if I had the opportunity I would prefer to be creative with the announcement instead of blurting it out.
Recently, that's exactly what happened to me. A friend during a phone conversation just randomly said, "I'm expecting another baby." I was caught off guard. The soft outburst made me freeze, immediately causing my stomach to tighten and I quietly became filled with sadness. It was a feeling I haven't felt in awhile. Inwardly I screamed, "Why is this my life?"
In a matter of seconds, I snapped back to reality and realized my friend was still on the phone. The silence may have confused her but I needed that moment before I replied, "That's great news. I'm so happy for you." Three years earlier, my friend experienced fertility challenges. She eventually conceived naturally after a series of treatments. Now, she's pregnant with her second child. Again she conceived naturally after seeking fertility help.
So many things were going through my mind during that phone call. I wanted to immediately end the conversation or at least scream to the top of my lungs to blow off steam. I managed to stay on the phone though and smile but as soon as that call ended I went into deep thought. I began asking myself a series of questions.
"Do you want children? Why do you want children? Are you seriously okay without having any children? What would your life be like right now if you achieved what you prayed for five years ago," are just a few of the questions that I've asked myself.
Then it hit me. My infertility journey has changed me for the better. It has given me purpose and drive to encourage other women. In fact, I'm still learning too. The lesson is mostly about patience something that I truly lack at times. It's teaching me to think about other people and not myself which is often challenging for me. It's also teaching me that crying is normal and to be human around others.
The truth is, my fertility challenges still takes me on an emotional roller coaster. The ride is ongoing but I wouldn't have it no other way.
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How do you like your eggs? Fertilized!
Joyful moments are created........
One thing I’ve learned during my infertility journey is that joyful moments are created and are needed most especially during this period in my life. At one time, I was very upset with the thought of not bearing any children. I’m in my mid-thirties and sometimes I get too wrapped up into thinking about that darn biological clock. The one thing I thought would be an easy accomplishment became a very challenging task. So I decided to give up because I thought it was best for my sanity. But what I didn’t realize at the time, is giving up caused me to stop living, laughing and smiling. As a result, my infertility struggle grew worse.
The truth is there are going to be moments in our lives when we all come across at least one hurdle. Infertility is my hurdle. In other words, it’s a roadblock meant to deter, ultimately keeping you and I from our goals or causing us to fall into depression. I can’t say that I made it over my hurdle just yet, but I am more creative now and working towards it. To be completely honest, I’m not trying to conceive any more. The reason is because sometimes, I tend to put too much pressure on myself. I guess that’s the perfectionist inside me. No, I didn’t give up. Instead, I decided to just live right now, make new friends, and create joyful moments before there’s a bundle of joy.
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To the extreme....
I often laugh at some of the things that crossed my mind when I was trying to get pregnant. At one time, I was willing to do anything. I thought about everything from traveling to Ripley's Believe or Not Museum to rub my hands on an African fertility statue to taking African yams. The story behind the yams is that they're supposed to increase fertility and your chances of having twins. I figured why not try for twins.
Sometimes when you're trying to conceive you're willing to go to the extreme. I would spend hours on the internet looking for anything that could help me achieve my goal of becoming a parent. The idea of living without a children really freaked me out. The thought of being alone with my spouse saddened me. I thought one of us would eventually die, leaving the other to grow old alone.
All kinds of thoughts would run across my mind until I started to change my mindset. "Is there life without children," I thought. How can I get over this hurdle and will people poke fun at my failure to conceive," were just a few of the questions that cluttered my brain.
We never know why we're faced with challenges but one thing is certain how we handle them makes a difference. Today, I accept my life for what it is and looking to be more optimistic about my future as well as celebrate all of the other great things I have going on.
Infertility isn't the end of the road. If anything it has taught me patience as well as endurance and that's the one important life lesson that we can all benefit from.
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Fertility Struggles? This song list may help.
No Less Than a Woman- (Lady Saw) I discovered this song during a day I needed encouragement the most. The reggae artists stresses that not having children doesn’t make you less than a woman. The message is a very comforting one. My favorite line: “I have so much love to give to so many unwanted kids.”
There’s Hope-(India Arie) This particular song has a melody that will instantly uplift you. No matter what you're going through, the musician behind this song encourages you to smile and reminds you to have hope.
Always-(Jessica Reedy Unplugged) The lyrics in this song are very inspirational, reminding listeners that “It won’t be like this Always, there will be better days.
Everything Is Everything-(Lauryn Hill) If it’s meant to be, it will be. Fertility Doctors will not have the last say. “Change comes eventually.”
The Baby Dance: Have fun with it!
I love to dance. Sometimes I can be in the car and when a fun beat drops over the radio airwaves, I instantly start dancing. I don't care who is watching. It's funny because my husband is very reserved but once I start dancing, all of sudden he breaks out dancing too. We just love to have fun and it shows once we hit the dance floor.
Fun is how the baby dance started for us. Once we started trying to conceive, it was exciting. I couldn’t keep my mind off babies. I became so obsessed that I even created a baby registry online. I was certain it would only be a matter of time before I became pregnant. I also searched for baby names online and saved a few to my “favorites” list. But when months turned into years the baby dance became work. As a result, I became frustrated. "How much time should we dedicate to the baby dance," I thought. I began to question everything about conceiving a child which I always thought was an easy task. However, I later realized it’s not about the time you spend trying to conceive a child, it’s more about the enjoyment. One thing I believe couples can do wrong when it comes to the baby dance is turn it into work. That's what we became guilty of when we created a schedule and tried adopting methods that shifted us from spontaneous baby dancing to a fertility system. The last thing I wanted to do was turn my sex life into a job. I eventually became a fertility robot always high strung about taking folic acid and tracking my ovulation dates. I lost sight of the fun and became addicted to producing results. Mostly because I’m a thirty-something year old woman who feel rushed because of this annoying ticking sound from my biological clock.
To date, I’m not pregnant. Fertility doctors can’t explain why it hasn’t happen. It’s a diagnosis called “Unexplained Infertility” that many women like myself have to live with. We’re perfectly healthy with no signs of fertility problems. “Maybe you’re stressed,” said doctors. The more I think about things, maybe I am stressed because I put myself on a schedule to get pregnant. Time passes us by too fast to be worrying about schedules, so why waste it. So for now, I’m ready to live in moment, ditch the schedule and just dance.
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