Challenges

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One relationship fertile and infertile women often experience

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What does it feel like to miss you for just one month? I want to know. What does it feel like to not cater to the pain you bring me? You take everything from me including my energy whenever you're around. I'm never myself. Actually I'm moody and you bring out the worst in me. I just want you to leave me alone for one month. Is that too much to ask? Actually nine months, that's all I need.

We met when I was 16 years old. I was over my grandparents house and sitting on their sofa just as happy as I could be and glued to the television. Then you came along. Who knew that one visit would turn into more than two decades together. Twenty-one years later, you're still around and it looks like you're not going anywhere. I've tried to make you leave on more than one occasion as well as my husband but you're tough.  I must say I never imagined that it would be this hard to get rid of you.

I'll never forget the moment I thought you finally got the hint. It was the summer of 2012. I felt sexy and confident about myself. I was hopeful and no matter how many times you upset me I tried to be in a good place. A few times the thought of you made me feel a little uncomfortable but I remained positive and had my mind set that we weren't going to see each other. The thought brought me joy. I even started to daydream about what things would be like without you. I was afraid to tell my friends about us. It was too early to share the news. I was advised to wait two weeks but then you came back. It was Day 12 and I was just getting excited to begin a new chapter in my life. Unfortunately, I suddenly fell sick. I became extremely nauseous.

That's when you reminded me……I'm not pregnant and will never have control over my relationship with my menstrual cycle.

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Infertility gave me a purpose

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Nearly five years later and still no baby. I hold up well most days. It's a life I had to get used to even though every once in awhile a pregnancy announcement takes me back to the period where I was desperate to have a baby.

Some couples really get creative with their pregnancy announcements. Then there's the couple that blurt out the joyful news. 

"I'm pregnant," I shouted in my head. Is that how I would deliver the news? At one time I used to daydream about how I would announce my pregnancy.  Those wishful moments kept me encouraged when I was trying to conceive.  Whatever the case, if I had the opportunity I would prefer to be creative with the announcement instead of blurting it out. 

Recently, that's exactly what happened to me. A friend during a phone conversation just randomly said, "I'm expecting another baby." I was caught off guard.  The soft outburst made me freeze, immediately causing my stomach to tighten and I quietly became filled with sadness. It was a feeling I haven't felt in awhile. Inwardly I screamed, "Why is this my life?"  

In a matter of seconds, I snapped back to reality and realized my friend was still on the phone. The silence may have confused her but I needed that moment before I replied, "That's great news. I'm so happy for you."  Three years earlier, my friend experienced fertility challenges. She eventually conceived naturally after a series of treatments. Now, she's pregnant with her second child. Again she conceived naturally after seeking fertility help. 

So many things were going through my mind during that phone call. I wanted to immediately end the conversation or at least scream to the top of my lungs to blow off steam.  I managed to stay on the phone though and smile but as soon as that call ended I went into deep thought. I began asking myself a series of questions. 

"Do you want children? Why do you want children? Are you seriously okay without having any children? What would your life be like right now if you achieved what you prayed for five years ago," are just a few of the questions that I've asked myself.  

Then it hit me. My infertility journey has changed me for the better. It has given me purpose and drive to encourage other women. In fact, I'm still learning too. The lesson is mostly about patience something that I truly lack at times. It's teaching me to think about other people and not myself which is often challenging for me. It's also teaching me that crying is normal and to be human around others. 

The truth is, my fertility challenges still takes me on an emotional roller coaster. The ride is ongoing but I wouldn't have it no other way. 

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Focus..........

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The softest skin you'll ever touch and sweetest aroma you'll ever smell. That's what comes across my mind when I think of a baby.  The thought of being someone's protector, and comforter tickles me. I guess because in my mind I really would be a very great mother. The simple thought keeps me going especially when I start to obsess over children, think of baby names and pre-plan the most glamous baby shower in my head. I once thought becoming a mother would complete me. 

Then there's the thought that makes me wonder what makes me great without children? I often struggle with that question partly because of my fertility challenges. It's like a deep scar that I'd like to think is healing.  Unfortunately, fertility challenges have changed me, at least a part of my life where being ugly became my norm. It's no excuse but because of it I started to dislike almost everything around me, even pushing good people away. It's so easy to fall into a depression and count the things that go wrong. Instead of focusing on how great of a mother I believe I can be, maybe it's about time I shift my attention to bettering myself.  "How can I fully be the best mom ever, when infertility has brought out the worst in me," I've asked myself.  "Why do I have to wait for a child to love and how could birthing one make me the best person/mother when I have such a bad attitude," are two other questions I've posed. 

The truth is I don't have to wait until I become a mother and becoming one will not autimatically turn me into a more loving person. In fact, it won't work for anyone. Although infertility is no walk in the park, maybe it's a challenge for us to better ourselves, demonstrate patience or a reminder to not take things for granted.  I just might be tasked with achieving all three. Ha! 

Whatever you're struggling with, never think for one moment that your life is incomplete without a child, significant other or anything else. Start to train your mind to see the good in your situation. As for what makes me great now..... my blessings are just too many to count and so are yours. 

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To the extreme....

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I often laugh at some of the things that crossed my mind when I was trying to get pregnant. At one time, I was willing to do anything. I thought about everything from traveling to Ripley's Believe or Not Museum to rub my hands on an African fertility statue to taking African yams. The story behind the yams is that they're supposed to increase fertility and your chances of having twins.  I figured why not try for twins. 

Sometimes when you're trying to conceive you're willing to go to the extreme.  I would spend hours on the internet looking for anything that could help me achieve my goal of becoming a parent. The idea of living without a children really freaked me out. The thought of being alone with my spouse saddened me. I thought one of us would eventually die, leaving the other to grow old alone. 

All kinds of thoughts would run across my mind until I started to change my mindset. "Is there life without children," I thought. How can I get over this hurdle and will people poke fun at my failure to conceive," were just a few of the questions that cluttered my brain. 

We never know why we're faced with challenges but one thing is certain how we handle them makes a difference. Today, I accept my life for what it is and looking to be more optimistic about my future as well as celebrate all of the other great things I have going on. 

Infertility isn't the end of the road. If anything it has taught me patience as well as endurance and that's the one important life lesson that we can all benefit from. 

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