Bringing the journey to motherhood to reality tv......
Many of us would be living a fairytale if our lives turned out the way we imagined. Instead of sleeping in on the weekends, I would probably have to cater to a toddler in the early mornings. The thought of a conversation with a little child just tickles me. Sure I would be an even busier woman but I would love every minute of it.
Sometimes dreams come true and sometimes we have to physically go out, open our wallets and turn our dreams into a reality. Today, many women are doing just that when it comes to having children. In fact, some aren't waiting for the ring. They're just going after the baby. Recent studies show the number of single women determined to experience motherhood has doubled in some countries.
One thing for certain, it takes strength. So how brave are you to broadcast your non-traditional journey to motherhood?
See the flyer below, share and tag Give Me a Ring and a Baby to help spread the word.
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Conquering infertility
"Yes, let's have a baby," I shouted with excitement. That was four years ago. I realized that as I drove my 4 year-old niece to my best friend's daughter birthday party. So many things raced across my mind then especially when I met one parent. She looked older but fit as she juggled two children at the gathering. The woman had a 1 year-old boy and 5 year-old girl. I was drawn to this particular parent mostly because of her age. Majority of the women I know became mothers in their early twenties and today they still look young with their teenage children. However, I knew that wasn't the case for this slender woman who appeared to be older with a very young spirit. A spirit that I believed wasn't possible for women who had children late. I've come across so many self-proclaimed fertility experts that have been more discouraging than encouraging once they learn of my age. As I stared at this woman, I began to think that could be me. It was at that moment, I began to feel a sense of joy.
Fascinated with this woman's energy, I asked my friend about the woman. "She's 44 years-old," my friend answered without hesitation. It's like my friend was reading my mind. "That's seven years older than me," I said with amazement to myself. It was like my hope was suddenly restored. I'm often back and forth when it comes to children because of my age. In fact, I feel like some days I should let go until I meet older parents who share their positive experiences.
Today, is a good day and I feel hopeful about what the future has in store for me. Even if it's not motherhood, my hope is that others are encouraged as they continue to cope with their fertility challenges. It's really important for those who conquer infertility to remain supportive as well and I can see myself doing just that even if my journey leads to motherhood. In a weird way, I feel like infertility is my calling, and giving me a purpose. One thing is definitely not an option and that's losing hope.
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Be someone's rock!
Just when I thought I was healed, the pain came back. It's always in my lower stomach and it feels as if someone is ripping through it. The gut wrenching pain is like no other pain I've experienced before. It used to come often especially when someone announced their pregnancy. At one time, everyone around me was popping up pregnant. Some who struggled with infertility and others were women who expressed no desire to have children. The announcements were destroying me physically and mentally. Thoughts of running away would come across my mind but I would always ask myself, "Where would I go?"
On the outside, I appear to have everything together. I'm married, a successful career woman and living in a working class community with a lot of land. Too much for a former city couple especially my husband who doesn't like spending hours on landscaping. "I can't blame him but the job must get done," I often express to others. However, deep inside, my heart hurts every time it beats. I feel useless some moments, usually during times when I'm forced to face my "childless" status. Pregnancy announcements remind me of my struggle with unexplained infertility. My husband and I tried consistently for about two years but pretty much given up hope and stopped trying for the last three years. I was told, "That's when it will finally happen, the moment your mind is free and not thinking about children."
"But is that true or something we tell others to help them cope," I wonder at times. I never thought those gut wrenching pains would come back because I thought I was healed after a flood of pregnancy announcements over the past few years. Unfortunately, I'm not and I guess I'm still learning to cope. Infertility is a daily struggle that I've somehow suppressed. In my community, women just don't talk about it. But from this point, I'm learning that I should and will talk.
Last night, my husband and I talked about our family planning journey for the first time in months. We've said inappropriate things and even shared a long stretch of laughter afterwards. That may not be the answer for couples but it certainly felt good to us. The bottom line is I want to heal and get to a point when I'm genuinely happy when expecting mothers share their good news. Several celebrities have broken the silence on infertility and it's a step in the right direction but there's more work to be done. There are still too many women dealing with fertility challenges in silence in an environment where we are individually looked at as less of woman.
Yes, women are loving, strong, beautiful and our bodies are made to handle a growing baby for nine months. We're also, emotional, sensitive and in some cases in need of strength from others to stay strong.
With that said, I urge all women to please be someone's rock.
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Focus..........
The softest skin you'll ever touch and sweetest aroma you'll ever smell. That's what comes across my mind when I think of a baby. The thought of being someone's protector, and comforter tickles me. I guess because in my mind I really would be a very great mother. The simple thought keeps me going especially when I start to obsess over children, think of baby names and pre-plan the most glamous baby shower in my head. I once thought becoming a mother would complete me.
Then there's the thought that makes me wonder what makes me great without children? I often struggle with that question partly because of my fertility challenges. It's like a deep scar that I'd like to think is healing. Unfortunately, fertility challenges have changed me, at least a part of my life where being ugly became my norm. It's no excuse but because of it I started to dislike almost everything around me, even pushing good people away. It's so easy to fall into a depression and count the things that go wrong. Instead of focusing on how great of a mother I believe I can be, maybe it's about time I shift my attention to bettering myself. "How can I fully be the best mom ever, when infertility has brought out the worst in me," I've asked myself. "Why do I have to wait for a child to love and how could birthing one make me the best person/mother when I have such a bad attitude," are two other questions I've posed.
The truth is I don't have to wait until I become a mother and becoming one will not autimatically turn me into a more loving person. In fact, it won't work for anyone. Although infertility is no walk in the park, maybe it's a challenge for us to better ourselves, demonstrate patience or a reminder to not take things for granted. I just might be tasked with achieving all three. Ha!
Whatever you're struggling with, never think for one moment that your life is incomplete without a child, significant other or anything else. Start to train your mind to see the good in your situation. As for what makes me great now..... my blessings are just too many to count and so are yours.
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How do you like your eggs? Fertilized!
To the extreme....
I often laugh at some of the things that crossed my mind when I was trying to get pregnant. At one time, I was willing to do anything. I thought about everything from traveling to Ripley's Believe or Not Museum to rub my hands on an African fertility statue to taking African yams. The story behind the yams is that they're supposed to increase fertility and your chances of having twins. I figured why not try for twins.
Sometimes when you're trying to conceive you're willing to go to the extreme. I would spend hours on the internet looking for anything that could help me achieve my goal of becoming a parent. The idea of living without a children really freaked me out. The thought of being alone with my spouse saddened me. I thought one of us would eventually die, leaving the other to grow old alone.
All kinds of thoughts would run across my mind until I started to change my mindset. "Is there life without children," I thought. How can I get over this hurdle and will people poke fun at my failure to conceive," were just a few of the questions that cluttered my brain.
We never know why we're faced with challenges but one thing is certain how we handle them makes a difference. Today, I accept my life for what it is and looking to be more optimistic about my future as well as celebrate all of the other great things I have going on.
Infertility isn't the end of the road. If anything it has taught me patience as well as endurance and that's the one important life lesson that we can all benefit from.
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Look at the bright side
It’s so easy to soak in sorrows and focus on the negative things in life. But why not look at the bright side. I came across a few memes that are absolutely hilarious to me. The memes poke at those women who have what most of the women in “Trying to Conceive community want and that is children. There are even a few memes that tickle me because they highlight some of the reactions childless women get from time to time.
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My dream baby....
It was a soft kiss and my eyes were closed. It felt so real but then I opened my eyes. I was dreaming. I’m not sure what the dream was about but somewhere in the dream a baby appeared. The kiss was from a chubby baby girl and she called me mommy. That was music to my ears. She also looked adorable with curly dark hair.
I’m not sure why I had that dream. Recently I decided that kids may not be for me. After trying to conceive and taking fertility treatments, I’m worn out. It doesn’t help that I’m always so tired from my day-to-day work routine. I also feel like time has passed me by especially as I quickly approach the tail end of my thirties. My decision came during a ride to a funeral. A very close friend of mine lost her brother and as I prepared myself to comfort her, I suddenly realized that maybe I should exercise being the best aunt I could be. She has two children and they both call me “auntie.”
It’s funny how life plays out sometimes. Although I’m the eldest of four children I never imagined hearing that word “aunt” before “mommy.” I thought my ears would be ringing in a good way of course from the word “mommy” by now. However, my friend’s children aren’t the only ones that call me “auntie.” One of my brothers has two children including a toddler who tickles me every time she says the name. She’s a soon to be four-year old and I love her more than I ever thought I could love. That’s probably because she was born during my trying-to-conceive period.
People often say there’s a meaning behind every dream. I often wonder what my dreams are telling me especially my dream about the mysterious baby. Whatever the message is I’m truly thankful to be the nurturer that I always knew was within me. Sure I’m not a nurturer to my own children, only to my many nieces and nephews and that’s the greatest feeling in the world.
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New Year. New Dreams. New Attitude!
I used to get depressed every month during the start of my menstrual cycle but now I look at it from a different perspective. It's now a reminder for me to keep trying to conceive. That's my attitude these days. When life knocks you down, get back up!
I must admit, it hasn't been an easy task especially when family and friends are convinced that after marriage there will be a baby carriage. Some couples will have the total package, but the reality is not every marriage will experience the baby carriage the traditional way. Sometimes, couples have to go another route to grow their families like adoption. Whatever the case, I've learned over the past three years not to allow anger and sadness to consume my life during this "trying to conceive" process.
A few weeks ago, a college friend shared some exciting news with me. "I'm pregnant," she exclaimed. Okay I rolled my eyes not because I was unhappy but because I'm human. I immediately thought, "It's happening again. Everyone is pregnant except for me." Then I suddenly challenged myself to not take her good news so personally. To be honest, she has no idea what I've been battling with inside. In fact, not many people can say they know what I've been going through because I've chosen not to share the most intimate details of my infertility journey. Unfortunately, I feel like some people just want to be in my business, are self-proclaimed experts who give bad advice, or false prophets confessing everything I want to hear. However, as I work on opening up to people, I've decided to be happy for my friend. Ultimately, her pregnancy is a blessing and worth celebrating. After all, her exciting news doesn't mean that I'm not blessed. I have plenty of things to celebrate too.
QUESTION: How do you cope with infertility? Share your story.