Fertility challenges

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The character I connected with the most in the movie Girl's Trip

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Are you the friend with everything except for a child? I am and my heart dropped the very moment Ryan Pierce, the character in the movie Girl's Trip shared with her friends that she was suffering from infertility. The scene was just like a moment ripped out of a chapter in a book about my life. The three ladies surrounding Ryan (Regina Hall), an award winning author in the film all reminded me of women in my close circle. Ironically, we all met in college too. There's the fun, silly friend like Dina (played by Tiffany Haddish) who I actually met in dance class. Don’t judge me. I was trying to take it easy that particular semester.  However, my Dina is no joke either.  She’s the friend that hurts when you hurt and has no problem fighting on your behalf. To be fair, I actually have two Dina characters in my life.  Then there’s my friend who is so similar to Jada Pinkett-Smith's character Lisa, that all I could do is laugh. My husband likes to call that friend "Big Stiff" since she's always uptight about any or everything. But don’t get it twisted the Lisa in my life is a joy to be around once she lets her hair down.  She’s my divorced friend who actually had a baby during one of the darkest periods in my life. It was 2012 and my husband and I were desperately trying to conceive. Five years later, that's no longer the case but the fertility challenge certainly put a strain on my marriage. Thankfully, infidelity isn't the strain that I had to endure like Ryan but the pressure to put on a fake smile like her hits too close to home.  As far as the friend that plays the role of Sasha (Queen Latifah) that's a tough one. None of my friends has had an interest in my journalism career so a competitive friendship is completely foreign to me. However, I do have a Sasha friend whose dreams were just as big as mine. Unfortunately, life just didn’t pan out the way she had planned.  

My girls are my sisters for different reasons.  Individually, they all made me realize that it's alright not to have it all. It doesn't make me any less human or successful either.  Today, I still have dreams of a baby but I'm reminded through my strong friendship with those ladies that it's okay to be transparent and share those feelings.  Like Ryan, I used to put so much pressure on myself to keep everything together.  I assumed that I had to especially as a 37 year-old accomplished woman. The truth is I should be focused on sharing my truth and building others up. The fact is I am not alone and neither are the women with similar stories. So whether you’re the friend who appears to have it all, just know that it’s okay to tell others that you don’t have it all. Many of us are missing things that we’ve prayed for but if that’s the case,it shouldn’t stop us from being thankful.  No matter what that missing piece of the puzzle is, I encourage you to find strength and peace in knowing that the bottom line is that you’re still blessed. Just look at who’s in your corner. It may be your family or friends but be reminded today and forever, that your blessings are right there in front of you.

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Childless and on trial.....

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Many women whether childless by choice or those struggling with infertility often feel pressure from others to have a baby just to feel normal. Some questions or comments are rude even if they don't come from ill-intentions.

According to the American Society for Reproductive Medicine (ASRM), 1 in 8 couples have trouble getting pregnant or sustaining a pregnancy. In fact, researchers say one-third of infertility is attributed to the female partner, one-third attributed to the male partner and one-third is caused by a combination of problems in both partners or, is unexplained.

It's natural to want to catch up with a friend, or spark up a conversation with a co-worker especially if they're married. We're told first comes love, then comes marriage, and later a baby carriage. But that's not always the case for couples.

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Infertility gave me a purpose

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Nearly five years later and still no baby. I hold up well most days. It's a life I had to get used to even though every once in awhile a pregnancy announcement takes me back to the period where I was desperate to have a baby.

Some couples really get creative with their pregnancy announcements. Then there's the couple that blurt out the joyful news. 

"I'm pregnant," I shouted in my head. Is that how I would deliver the news? At one time I used to daydream about how I would announce my pregnancy.  Those wishful moments kept me encouraged when I was trying to conceive.  Whatever the case, if I had the opportunity I would prefer to be creative with the announcement instead of blurting it out. 

Recently, that's exactly what happened to me. A friend during a phone conversation just randomly said, "I'm expecting another baby." I was caught off guard.  The soft outburst made me freeze, immediately causing my stomach to tighten and I quietly became filled with sadness. It was a feeling I haven't felt in awhile. Inwardly I screamed, "Why is this my life?"  

In a matter of seconds, I snapped back to reality and realized my friend was still on the phone. The silence may have confused her but I needed that moment before I replied, "That's great news. I'm so happy for you."  Three years earlier, my friend experienced fertility challenges. She eventually conceived naturally after a series of treatments. Now, she's pregnant with her second child. Again she conceived naturally after seeking fertility help. 

So many things were going through my mind during that phone call. I wanted to immediately end the conversation or at least scream to the top of my lungs to blow off steam.  I managed to stay on the phone though and smile but as soon as that call ended I went into deep thought. I began asking myself a series of questions. 

"Do you want children? Why do you want children? Are you seriously okay without having any children? What would your life be like right now if you achieved what you prayed for five years ago," are just a few of the questions that I've asked myself.  

Then it hit me. My infertility journey has changed me for the better. It has given me purpose and drive to encourage other women. In fact, I'm still learning too. The lesson is mostly about patience something that I truly lack at times. It's teaching me to think about other people and not myself which is often challenging for me. It's also teaching me that crying is normal and to be human around others. 

The truth is, my fertility challenges still takes me on an emotional roller coaster. The ride is ongoing but I wouldn't have it no other way. 

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Childless doesn't mean sadness

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There's nothing like feeling good and confident. I like to hold my head high when I walk. Sometimes I even like to flip my hair and look back at my life and smile. When I'm happy, I make sure I showcase my pearly whites.  Believe it not even as I struggle with unexplained infertility, I still manage to laugh, live and keep moving. I'm 5'3 but when my mood is good, I feel like a super model, strutting down the runway. Why not? It wasn't always this way though. I'm strong today because of those around me. However, every so often I have to fight to keep my happiness and even convince others that I'm in a good place. "No I don't want to hear what you believe is in my future," I shout inwardly as I roll my eyes each time I'm approached by someone who claims they know a baby is in my future.

I pick and choose who I decide to share my story with because I have trust issues when it comes to being completely transparent.  I don’t’ want to be reminded of things or have what I say thrown back in my face. But that’s what happened one day. I decided to open up to a friend. We’re like sisters and it felt good because I no longer had to dodge baby questions or pretend I was okay around her. However, during one of my happy moments, I received a phone call and it was from my dear friend. “Hey sis, I want to tell you something,” she said. I became excited and of course rushed her to share what was on her chest. “I was on the bus today and saw a woman who reminded me of you.  She was your twin and holding a baby boy,” she said.  Confused and not sure where she was going with the news, I quickly said, “Okay, I’m listening.” That’s when she shared that she believed the woman holding the baby was a sign and confirmation for her that I would be a mother of a baby boy. I began to become annoyed and immediately regretted opening up. Somehow, I smiled though and managed to share with her that it was nice she thought of me but not to feel sad about my situation or the need to give me false hope or happiness.

There’s something about women without children that make people think you need a hug, sympathy or my favorite unsolicited advice on how to get pregnant. I don’t walk around with my head hanging low, I'm strutting down the runway because I've already cried over my situation and my tears have run dry. "Trust me, I'm fine," I find myself saying this to others as they tear up when I share my story.

My thought is that it's not the end of the world. My family just looks different from yours. It's just my husband and I for now. Instead of children, I have a spoiled cat. So don't feel sorry for me, just be a friend and a good listener.  I’m childless and full of life.

Question: What kind of reaction do you get from people after sharing your fertility challenges?

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