Some days I like to let my imagination run wild. I like to browse the baby section in stores or surf the internet for baby names. There are actually moments, I can see myself with a baby.
But then there are days I try not to think about those things. Sometimes, I also try to avoid events hosted by my peers who have children because of all the baby talk.
It's something about those unsuccessful attempts while trying to conceive that plays with your mind. You sort of feel less of a woman especially when it seems like everyone around is suddenly expecting a child. You start to feel that family just won't understand your situation, so why bother sharing your darkest moments.
I remember the first year, my husband and I started working on a child. It was after our two year wedding anniversary and at that point we were ready for parenthood. It seemed like every month we tried, we would get a new pregnancy announcement. That year at least six couples were expecting. "Is this a joke? If so, I'm not laughing," I thought. The following year, another four shared their pregnancies with my husband and I. We were genuinely happy for those around us but it started to get weird because we felt as if we were missing out on life as a childless couple.
At one point, I felt cheated. But then one of those pregnancy announcements turned out to be one of the biggest blessings in my life. That blessing was my niece. Although I thought as the eldest of my siblings I should have been the first to get pregnant, the moment I saw her, those feelings literally disappeared. She took my breath away. A very dear friend of mine added to my warm feelings when she called me on Mother's Day years later. Who would have thought a phone call on a day I started to dread would also change my life. The name on my cell phone was a familiar one so I picked up. "Happy Mother's Day," shouted my friend. Confused, I respectively replied, "I'm not a mother but thank you." My friend then went on to explain her greeting and said, "As you celebrate your mother remember YOU will have encounters where God will bless you to be a nurturer too to many others." I was intrigued and immediately thought about my instant connection to my niece. Her words truly left a positive impression on me. I thought to myself that my fertility challenges don't make me less of a woman. In fact, being childless simply means I just have more love to give.