Top 3 things to avoid if you’ve experienced trouble getting pregnant

I quickly learned that there are some things you should avoid when you’re trying to conceive especially if you’ve hit a few roadblocks along the way.  Honestly I thought it would take a few months to get pregnant NOT years.   According to my doctor, the reason is “Unexplained Fertility” which simply means I appear healthy with no signs of endometriosis, fibroids or any other condition that can create a challenge for women looking forward to motherhood.  My husband and I are both in our mid- thirties and certainly feel the pressure to start a family right now.  In fact, my journey has been an emotional roller coaster.  However, there are some things those of us in the “Trying to Conceive” community can do to make sure we don’t fall into a depression.  

The following are just a few things I believe women in the TTC should avoid:

1. BABY SHOWERS-Why torture yourself?  At one time, I felt obligated to accept every baby shower invitation that came my way. The year my husband and I started working on a baby, we were invited to five baby showers. One hit too close home. My younger brother announced he and his significant other were expecting their first child.  I was torn. “I’m the eldest.   I should be having my parent’s first grandchild,” I thought.  I ended up in tears at some of the baby showers or at least holding tears back.  I find myself overwhelmed with grief at baby showers even when I think I’m strong and comfortable with my “childless” status. The remedy: Ignore the invitation and if you’re extremely close to the person, be open and honest about your feelings first then throw the invitation away. 

2. BIRTHDAY PARTIES-This may be a tricky one for some people. I have a few close friends with children and I absolutely love being around their kids. However, my husband and I tend to get invites to children birthday parties a little too often.   It can be very awkward being the only couple without children at a child’s birthday party which is why I either send a gift without attending or once again ignore the invite.  

3. BABY TALK-“When are you having children?” That’s a question I try my best to avoid with simple answers. I often say, “In due time,” or “I don’t know.”  If the person is really pushy, I’ll respond with a question for them or just bluntly say that’s a personal question and move on from there. People may make up things in things in their own mind to answer that question but that’s not your problem and should not be your concern. People assume every woman who is married should eventually move on to motherhood but the reality is NOT “childless” women are looking to be a mother. It’s a choice as well as a personal question that no one should feel obligated to answer or discuss.

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Lending A Helping Hand

My husband and I quickly learned that fertility treatments are expensive. In fact, trips to the doctors, medications and some of the less expensive treatments such as intrauterine insemination, can add up fast. I'm often faced with the difficult question, "Is IVF an option?"  I must admit, I haven't given it much thought because of the expense. Whatever the case, I’m on a mission to educate couples and share options which are available for people looking forward to parenthood. Believe it or not, there are several grants and programs designed to take off the financial burden often felt by couples trying to conceive.

The following are listed below. 

Angels of Hope Foundation rewards its Creating Miracles Grant to financially burdened couples who need fertility treatments to conceive a child. Only married couples living within a certain radius to Morris, Illinois are eligible. 

BabyQuest Foundation is a non-profit organization whose goal is to grant financial assistance to those who cannot afford infertility treatments such as IUI, IVF, egg donation, and surrogacy. Applications are accepted from couples living anywhere in the United States. 

Bringing U Maternal Paternal Success (B.U.M.P.S.) is a non-profit organization in Florida that assists couples who have difficulty conceiving by providing grants for them to receive fertility treatments. 

The Cade Foundation has been providing grants to those struggling with infertility since 2004. The grant limit is set at $10,000 per family, helps couples pay for fertility treatment costs associated with fertility treatments or domestic adoption.

The InterNational Council on Infertility Information Dissemination offers a national scholarship program designed to help couples who cannot afford IVF fertility treatments on their own. This program actually involves fertility doctors from the across the United States willing to donate their state-of-the art facilities and services to couples.

The Madeleine Gordon Gift of Life Foundation helps needy couples in the greater Cincinnati area. To be considered, couples must not have any children together or have undergone previous IVF treatments. They must have a demonstrated need for IVF, be in good health, and have a combined family income of less than $70,000.

Please note: Couples will have to demonstrate financial need and submit required documentation including medical information. The criteria/rules at each foundation are not the same.

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I Choose Happiness

I had a situation at work once that made me look at my life in a negative way.  I couldn’t help but to look at one of my co-workers who returned to work after having a baby in an unflattering light. I thought to myself, "She's living the life that I'm supposed to be living".  “How dare she flaunt it in front of me.” I didn’t desire to be her.  Neither did I envy her because quite frankly, she appeared to be needy and often starved for attention. Ironically, it was that lack that I identified with.  I didn’t lack attention in my marriage or in my professional life, but I was lacking something I wanted so dearly, a child. I think the thing that really hurt me at that time was when I opened my email and read that my co-worker was returning to work only part-time, so she could spend more time with her growing family. That's when my former plans hit me smack in the face. My plan was to get pregnant and eventually decrease my hours to part-time. Unfortunately, that never happened and the email reminded me of that.

The entire day, all I could think about was the fact that she was living out my dream.  I also began to wonder if planned pregnancies were overall more difficult to achieve. According to the Guttmacher Institute, the average American woman spends about five years trying to become pregnant and nearly three quarters of her reproductive life trying to avoid pregnancy.  I also learned that 51 percent of 6.6 million pregnancies in the United States are unintended. That means the pregnancies were either mistimed or unwanted, while leaving about 49 percent of the pregnancies planned.  The sad thing was that information just didn't help my bothersome thoughts. I remember tossing and turning the night before she returned, dreading to hear stories about her newborn baby. In fact, I was also dreading all the stories from the other parents in the office. I swear the next morning came too quickly. The next thing I knew, I was forced to get my weightless (limp) body out of bed and prepare for work. I had a hard time getting myself together, and moved extremely slow.

That morning I suddenly had a flashback of an incident. I was at the airport in Atlanta rushing for a flight to New Orleans. There in the security checkpoint line was a woman holding her baby on her hip. This may sound crazy, but I really wanted to walk over and slap her.  The reason was simply because this woman was a mother. My husband was standing alongside me. I turned to him and said, "Honey, I don't like her." He questioned why and when I gave him my reason he laughed it off, but I was serious. I was angry at nearly every woman prancing around with a child. But despite my depression, I ended up laughing it off like my husband did. By the way, I'm not crazy and would never do any such thing. However, I've experienced some emotional moments during this "trying to conceive" period.

Anyway, eventually it was about that time for me to leave the house and go to work. During my drive all I could do was think about a way to be happy. I still have to do that sometimes to keep myself from falling apart. While in the car, I was reminded of a conversation I had with a friend about happiness, and how it is a choice. That very moment I said out loud, "You will choose happiness". I repeated it slowly several times so that it would sink in. Of course I didn't know how I was going to do so, and was nervous all the way up until I walked inside the office. But without much thought, that's what I did. I began to smile. It was a real one too, and not like the smiles I would put on just to keep folks from seeing my vulnerable side.  I did it.  I made it through the day with all the pictures and stories. 

In short, it truly felt good choosing happiness because we should rejoice with others.  So today I ask, when faced with heartache, do you choose happiness over the hurt?  I’m a witness it works.

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In due time

My journey trying to conceive has truly been a frustrating one especially for my husband. There were certainly days he allowed his emotions and thoughts get the best of him. I must admit I wasn't any better.  You’ll experience all kinds of emotions when you come across stumbling blocks while trying to conceive. Trust me. I’ll never forget the day my husband said,” You would probably have a baby by now if you were with another man,” he said. Immediately I thought, “He’s right!” Those words played in my mind for days.  Briefly I began to resent the man I married.  It’s amazing how powerful words can be and play on your heart. “Why was I entertaining that comment?” I wondered. Could I be that desperate to have a child?  The answer was yes! I had so many things circulating around in my mind because so many people reminded me that I was quickly approaching 35 years old. The age doctors say women can experience pregnancy complications and are high risk. The following are a few of the things I've heard consistently as soon as I entered my thirties. 

• It’s more of a challenge to conceive because your eggs aren't easily fertilized. They begin to decrease in quantity and quality. 
• Blood pressure and diabetes are more common in such pregnancies
• Older mothers have a higher risk of delivering babies with Down Syndrome because of chromosome problems. 

The list goes on. There’s seriously truth in the biological clock being major in some women lives.  It was nearly six months before my 35th birthday and it seemed like every time I opened a magazine, or turned on the television the topic seemed to focus on the risk of older women having babies in their thirties. Once again I began to stress.  Some of my friends didn't help. I realized some people tend to speak out of ignorance much too often. It was a Saturday afternoon and my husband and I were having lunch with one of my single-mother college friends and her two sons. There was nothing special about the occasion just friends catching up. The atmosphere was nice and we shared nothing but smiles and giggles at the table while having lunch. Then the most dreaded question for a married woman trying to conceive came flowing out of my friend’s mouth. “When are you going to have children? You’re getting old,” she blurted out.  Funny thing, I’m like a pro when it comes to answering personal questions. I’m so fast at putting on a smile and answering but this time I struggled with that and became flustered. However, I did manage to answer. “In due time,” I said.  Unfortunately my friend pressed on the subject matter and later blurted out, “You need to hurry up and have children or else you will have a retarded kid,” she so boldly said. Showing no physical signs of anger, my blood started to boil. Inside my body I felt my temperature rising. I wanted to slap my friend as hard as I could across the face but I didn't. Instead, I only imagined slapping her. I also thought it was best to just accept the fact that she was ignorant on the subject of older women having babies and that some women struggle to get pregnant for a number of reasons such as male infertility, low sperm count and much more.

Unfortunately, she wasn't the only one I came across with that mindset. However, it was then that I learned that words can hurt and that you should think carefully before opening your mouth. Depending on the words, they can ruin your relationship with people and with your spouse. My husband’s statement certainly played in my mind almost igniting the blame game in our situation. I guess partly because “Unexplained Infertility” just doesn't make any sense to me and I’m not sure if it ever will.  According to my doctor, I'm healthy with eggs waiting to be fertilized and no signs of anything else. 

 Anyway, as for my friend, I struggled most recently with sharing the most intimate details about my fertility challenges with her. I decided not to but have chosen to educate her in casual conversation on what pregnancy means for women in their thirties. It’s important for women in my shoes to share such information or else you’ll find yourself taking things too personal. As a result, I truly feel good sharing the right information with women including family and friends. To answer my husband’s question about whether or not I would have a child by now if I were with another man, “It doesn't matter because I only want one with him”. So to all the people who question when I or any other woman in her thirties, even forties will have a baby, “In due time, especially if it’s meant to be”.

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