Childless and on trial.....

Many women whether childless by choice or those struggling with infertility often feel pressure from others to have a baby just to feel normal. Some questions or comments are rude even if they don't come from ill-intentions.

According to the American Society for Reproductive Medicine (ASRM), 1 in 8 couples have trouble getting pregnant or sustaining a pregnancy. In fact, researchers say one-third of infertility is attributed to the female partner, one-third attributed to the male partner and one-third is caused by a combination of problems in both partners or, is unexplained.

It's natural to want to catch up with a friend, or spark up a conversation with a co-worker especially if they're married. We're told first comes love, then comes marriage, and later a baby carriage. But that's not always the case for couples.

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Focus..........

The softest skin you'll ever touch and sweetest aroma you'll ever smell. That's what comes across my mind when I think of a baby.  The thought of being someone's protector, and comforter tickles me. I guess because in my mind I really would be a very great mother. The simple thought keeps me going especially when I start to obsess over children, think of baby names and pre-plan the most glamous baby shower in my head. I once thought becoming a mother would complete me. 

Then there's the thought that makes me wonder what makes me great without children? I often struggle with that question partly because of my fertility challenges. It's like a deep scar that I'd like to think is healing.  Unfortunately, fertility challenges have changed me, at least a part of my life where being ugly became my norm. It's no excuse but because of it I started to dislike almost everything around me, even pushing good people away. It's so easy to fall into a depression and count the things that go wrong. Instead of focusing on how great of a mother I believe I can be, maybe it's about time I shift my attention to bettering myself.  "How can I fully be the best mom ever, when infertility has brought out the worst in me," I've asked myself.  "Why do I have to wait for a child to love and how could birthing one make me the best person/mother when I have such a bad attitude," are two other questions I've posed. 

The truth is I don't have to wait until I become a mother and becoming one will not autimatically turn me into a more loving person. In fact, it won't work for anyone. Although infertility is no walk in the park, maybe it's a challenge for us to better ourselves, demonstrate patience or a reminder to not take things for granted.  I just might be tasked with achieving all three. Ha! 

Whatever you're struggling with, never think for one moment that your life is incomplete without a child, significant other or anything else. Start to train your mind to see the good in your situation. As for what makes me great now..... my blessings are just too many to count and so are yours. 

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To the extreme....

I often laugh at some of the things that crossed my mind when I was trying to get pregnant. At one time, I was willing to do anything. I thought about everything from traveling to Ripley's Believe or Not Museum to rub my hands on an African fertility statue to taking African yams. The story behind the yams is that they're supposed to increase fertility and your chances of having twins.  I figured why not try for twins. 

Sometimes when you're trying to conceive you're willing to go to the extreme.  I would spend hours on the internet looking for anything that could help me achieve my goal of becoming a parent. The idea of living without a children really freaked me out. The thought of being alone with my spouse saddened me. I thought one of us would eventually die, leaving the other to grow old alone. 

All kinds of thoughts would run across my mind until I started to change my mindset. "Is there life without children," I thought. How can I get over this hurdle and will people poke fun at my failure to conceive," were just a few of the questions that cluttered my brain. 

We never know why we're faced with challenges but one thing is certain how we handle them makes a difference. Today, I accept my life for what it is and looking to be more optimistic about my future as well as celebrate all of the other great things I have going on. 

Infertility isn't the end of the road. If anything it has taught me patience as well as endurance and that's the one important life lesson that we can all benefit from. 

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Fertility Struggles? This song list may help.

No Less Than a Woman- (Lady Saw) I discovered this song during a day I needed encouragement the most. The reggae artists stresses that not having children doesn’t make you less than a woman. The message is a very comforting one. My favorite line: “I have so much love to give to so many unwanted kids.”

There’s Hope-(India Arie) This particular song has a melody that will instantly uplift you. No matter what you're going through, the musician behind this song encourages you to smile and reminds you to have hope.

Always-(Jessica Reedy Unplugged) The lyrics in this song are very inspirational, reminding listeners that “It won’t be like this Always, there will be better days.

Everything Is Everything-(Lauryn Hill) If it’s meant to be, it will be. Fertility Doctors will not have the last say. “Change comes eventually.”

New Year. New Dreams. New Attitude!

I used to get depressed every month during the start of my menstrual cycle but now I look at it from a different perspective. It's now a reminder for me to keep trying to conceive. That's my attitude these days. When life knocks you down, get back up!  

I must admit, it hasn't been an easy task especially when family and friends are convinced that after marriage there will be a baby carriage. Some couples will have the total package, but the reality is not every marriage will experience the baby carriage the traditional way. Sometimes, couples have to go another route to grow their families like adoption. Whatever the case, I've learned over the past three years not to allow anger and sadness to consume my life during this "trying to conceive" process.  

A few weeks ago, a college friend shared some exciting news with me. "I'm pregnant," she exclaimed. Okay I rolled my eyes not because I was unhappy but because I'm human. I immediately thought, "It's happening again. Everyone is pregnant except for me."  Then I suddenly challenged myself to not take her good news so personally. To be honest, she has no idea what I've been battling with inside. In fact, not many people can say they know what I've been going through because I've chosen not to share the most intimate details of my infertility journey.  Unfortunately, I feel like some people just want to be in my business, are self-proclaimed experts who give bad advice, or false prophets confessing everything I want to hear.  However, as I work on opening up to people, I've decided to be happy for my friend. Ultimately, her pregnancy is a blessing and worth celebrating.  After all, her exciting news doesn't mean that I'm not blessed. I have plenty of things to celebrate too. 

QUESTION: How do you cope with infertility? Share your story. 

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THINK before you ask......

When are you having a baby? Are you pregnant? Do you want children? Those are just a few of the questions I’ve heard since getting married. Sure they all seem like routine innocent questions but to any woman trying to conceive, those questions can come off a bit rude, insensitive and offensive.

“What’s up with all the questions,” the small voice usually screams in my head. You see as a little girl, I would always dream about making my parents happy. A few of the goals I’ve accomplished was graduating from college, climbing the ranks in my career, and getting married. Another goal was to get pregnant and grow a healthy successful family of my own. To date, I have everything except the baby. However, I put enough pressure on myself thinking about conceiving a child and the load of questions from others don’t help my sanity at all. As I quickly approach my late thirties, I find myself running out of excuses when dodging “baby” questions. “Why do I dance around those questions?” The answer is fear of being judged and being the focus of one’s gossip.

The truth is I am a Black woman who is childless. I have no idea why this is my story. This is something I did not choose for myself but I’m learning to live this truth and embrace my situation. No, I’m not cursed. No, I’m not a sad story because I don’t have children.  Finally, No I’m not miserable. I’m only sensitive to the subject when people bombard me with questions and add their two cents about my childless situation. I know I’m not alone. I’m sure this hits close to home to women of all races plagued by fertility challenges. My hope is that as I accept my truth, I encourage others to walk in their truths. This is the season when many of us on the journey to conceive are flooded with “baby” questions. On Thanksgiving, I reminded myself to just be thankful not just for a moment but every single day. What ever you celebrate, don’t let those family gatherings this year take a terrible turn because of the overwhelming amount of baby questions.  “Hold your head up high,” I scream. Answer those questions and stand firm in your truth.

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Cope. Smile. Fight Infertility

Whether you’re twenty, thirty or forty-something infertility can be tough whether explained or unexplained. However, there are ways to cope and to help women deal with the emotional roller coaster ride. I often felt alone until I started to do a little bit of research.  Did you know that 6% percent of married women in the United States struggle to get pregnant after one year of unprotected sex?  Also, about 12% of American women encounter challenges to get pregnant regardless of marital status. To my surprise infertility isn’t just a woman’s problem; it’s also a condition that many men experience as well. Although I continue to struggle with who I decide to share my personal story with, keeping a journal and following a few quick tips have helped me tremendously. 

1.       EDUCATE YOURSELF-When it comes to trying to conceive, people tend to think that it’s an easy task. But it takes more than just sex. Women and men should prepare their bodies. First, start taking vitamins and change your eating habits.  It also helps to get to know your cycle by keeping record and tracking your ovulation days.  As a result, I can tell when I’m ovulating and the slight discomfort for me usually indicates which side of my Fallopian tube will release an egg.

2.      JOIN A SUPPORT GROUP-This was one of the best things I have done thus far. I have such a strong support system when it comes to dealing with infertility now. In fact, I consider many of the people friends because they have helped me smile during a time that appeared nothing but gloomy. So what are you waiting for? Start looking at local groups you can connect with. In the meantime, follow Give Me A Ring and A Baby on Facebook, Instagram (Give_Me­_A_Ring_And_A_Baby) or @ringandbaby on Twitter to meet women online struggling with infertility too.

3.      ADOPT HEALTHY HABITS-Drop the stress, stop worrying and relax.  Keep your life simple by trying not to think about that intimacy time with your spouse as a job.  Although it may appear that way because you have to put in a lot of work for that bundle of joy, continue to enjoy your spouse. Take a different approach and try to spice up things in the bedroom with roses, music and little role play…….Hint. Hint.

4.      PAMPER YOURSELF-Go to the salon, do a little shopping and take your mind off the baby by indulging in some “ME” time.  Sure, the goal is to get pregnant but learn to spend a little time on your mind, body and soul. Trying to conceive should be a fun experience not a time consuming one where you lose sight of yourself.

5.   EXPLORE YOUR OPTIONS-Seek professional help and find yourself a fertility doctor. If you have already done so, try thinking about adoption. I would love to give birth to a baby but if that’s not a part of my written story then I would embrace the opportunity to nurture a child through adoption.  Just because you decide to explore options such as adoption, that does not mean you’re giving up on the possibility of having a child of your own.

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Motherhood takes patience

If it takes patience to be a mother then it must takes patience on the road to becoming a mother.  That's a hard pill to swallow for someone like myself who lacks patience but I'm working on it. And I know I'm not alone. While some of my friends are sending their children off to high school, I'm still on the journey to conceive. I'm not actively trying like I was in the past but if it happens, I would embrace the opportunity to be a mom.

In just a few weeks, I'll be heading into the age range where women experience more difficulty getting pregnant. A scary reality I must face. However, I'm always reminded by family and friends that a baby is in my future. One of my closet friends said to me that she had a relative who didn't conceive until age 50, and that I should remain patient. "You mean to tell me, I may have to wait until 50," I frantically thought. Should I even try for that long? 

Whatever the case, I'm learning that patience isn't an overnight process.  I don't know about you but I strongly believe that's my lesson during this particular chapter of my life. How many people can actually say they mastered patience?  I'm the kind of person who wants what she wants now.  Unfortunately my "now" has turned into years of waiting for a miracle baby. According to doctors, it's unexplained infertility and my parents just believe motherhood hasn't happened yet due to stress. Other family members point to the men in the family because conceiving appears to be a familiar challenge.  As for myself, I think there's something bigger and of course a greater message behind my fertility challenges.  

In fact, each time I hear about someone's fertility challenges and all the money some couples spend to conceive just to end up pregnant naturally, I start to look forward to sharing one of those "miracle" stories as well.  A few weeks ago, my cousin who suffered from PCOS said after medical treatment and completing adoption classes, she reluctantly took a pregnancy test one day after feeling sick.  To her surprise she was pregnant. Now she has a two year old daughter. 

"I believe there is more to conceiving than medical treatment! Yes, it does work for some but for those that it doesn't.....Don't give up," she said. 

Sure it's normal to feel as time passes there's no hope but my cousin said it best, DON'T GIVE UP!  Although I've never imagined fertility challenges to be a part of my story, each passing month, I suddenly feel stronger and willing to "patiently" wait.  

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Top 3 things to avoid if you’ve experienced trouble getting pregnant

I quickly learned that there are some things you should avoid when you’re trying to conceive especially if you’ve hit a few roadblocks along the way.  Honestly I thought it would take a few months to get pregnant NOT years.   According to my doctor, the reason is “Unexplained Fertility” which simply means I appear healthy with no signs of endometriosis, fibroids or any other condition that can create a challenge for women looking forward to motherhood.  My husband and I are both in our mid- thirties and certainly feel the pressure to start a family right now.  In fact, my journey has been an emotional roller coaster.  However, there are some things those of us in the “Trying to Conceive” community can do to make sure we don’t fall into a depression.  

The following are just a few things I believe women in the TTC should avoid:

1. BABY SHOWERS-Why torture yourself?  At one time, I felt obligated to accept every baby shower invitation that came my way. The year my husband and I started working on a baby, we were invited to five baby showers. One hit too close home. My younger brother announced he and his significant other were expecting their first child.  I was torn. “I’m the eldest.   I should be having my parent’s first grandchild,” I thought.  I ended up in tears at some of the baby showers or at least holding tears back.  I find myself overwhelmed with grief at baby showers even when I think I’m strong and comfortable with my “childless” status. The remedy: Ignore the invitation and if you’re extremely close to the person, be open and honest about your feelings first then throw the invitation away. 

2. BIRTHDAY PARTIES-This may be a tricky one for some people. I have a few close friends with children and I absolutely love being around their kids. However, my husband and I tend to get invites to children birthday parties a little too often.   It can be very awkward being the only couple without children at a child’s birthday party which is why I either send a gift without attending or once again ignore the invite.  

3. BABY TALK-“When are you having children?” That’s a question I try my best to avoid with simple answers. I often say, “In due time,” or “I don’t know.”  If the person is really pushy, I’ll respond with a question for them or just bluntly say that’s a personal question and move on from there. People may make up things in things in their own mind to answer that question but that’s not your problem and should not be your concern. People assume every woman who is married should eventually move on to motherhood but the reality is NOT “childless” women are looking to be a mother. It’s a choice as well as a personal question that no one should feel obligated to answer or discuss.

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