Infertility and one more shot to beat it.

Watching another couple’s journey to beat infertility is like looking in the mirror. The testing, fertility treatments, secrecy, shame, expense, ovulation kits, negative pregnancy tests and tears were all an immediate reminder of infertility and a journey I’d never thought would be a part of my story. In the U.S, one in 8 couples have trouble conceiving a child. That means at least a year of trying to conceive with no results. The experience sometimes leads to troubling times for couples due to the stress of pregnancy false alarms and the overwhelming number of baby shower invitations flooding your mail box.

One More Shot not only documents the raw side of infertility, it inspires the couple who may have thought of parenting only as birthing a child with their own biology. The film, which is centered around Noah Moskin and his wife, Maya also brings fertility once again to the forefront. I can’t tell you how many times, I lied to people just to hide the fact that my husband and I were having trouble getting pregnant. I felt alone, even with my husband by my side.

Unfortunately, infertility feels like a curse. There are short moments of hope until your menstrual cycle begins. Once that happens, you immediately start to question why it’s happening to you. Today, more people know about our struggle but it doesn’t fix the hurt I often feel when someone announces their pregnancy. My stomach cramps up each time I get the news that most are often excited about. For myself, those announcements make me feel as if I’m being teased, bullied and laughed at. No matter how the news is delivered.... it’s triggers an ugly side of me that only my husband is fortunate to see.

However, the personal accounts of those brave couples in One More Shot reminds us all that we’re not alone.  I especially love how the men shared their feelings, showing us a side that’s underrepresented in media.

In short, the film confirms that infertility can be defeated whether it’s through In Vitro Fertilization, adoption, surrogacy, as well as embryo or sperm donation. The movie in my opinion is award winning and has encouraged my husband and I to also give it One More Shot.

To see the film for yourself or recommend couples experiences fertility challenges, it’s available right now on iTunes.

Healing broken wings

I never thought I would see this day. The day that I’d become comfortable with my “childless” status.  Some of us are groomed very young to be nurturers. We were even showered with countless dolls, subliminally sending the message that little girls will eventually become mothers.  We also hold onto hope that one day we’ll birth our very own baby. 

What happens when that’s not your story? How do you handle it and better yet how do you explain to others that you can still live a fulfilling life without children?

One thing I find important when doctors can’t explain why you’re having trouble conceiving a child is a support team.  You know the tight circle of friends that will keep you mentally strong. Three years ago having a support team never crossed my mind. I often thought, “There’s no one is my life that would understand this struggle.”

Surprisingly, there were quite a few people in my life that shared moments with me keeping me from falling into a dark depressing space.  That’s when I decided to re-examine my relationships with people.  I’ve always been a private person, opening up to very few people. Outsiders looking in would call me strong; others considered it being too guarded. I on the other hand considered my behavior cautious. So choosing folks to talk with about my “unexplained infertility” diagnosis and motherhood journey was not easy. 

We all know nothing in life is promised. There will be women who will never marry, birth children, have a career and so on.  It doesn’t help when people make you feel like a failure when you’re missing any of the above.   The reality is you’re simply not guaranteed those things in life. That doesn’t mean you haven’t prayed hard enough or that you’re cursed.  I’ve learned that the best thing to have is family or a set of friends that can offer a shoulder to cry on, a listening ear, or be that person who knows all the right things to say in order to keep you sane. 

While many of us struggling with infertility feel broken, there will come a time for healing but only if you allow it or form a support system to heal those broken wings.

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Lending A Helping Hand

My husband and I quickly learned that fertility treatments are expensive. In fact, trips to the doctors, medications and some of the less expensive treatments such as intrauterine insemination, can add up fast. I'm often faced with the difficult question, "Is IVF an option?"  I must admit, I haven't given it much thought because of the expense. Whatever the case, I’m on a mission to educate couples and share options which are available for people looking forward to parenthood. Believe it or not, there are several grants and programs designed to take off the financial burden often felt by couples trying to conceive.

The following are listed below. 

Angels of Hope Foundation rewards its Creating Miracles Grant to financially burdened couples who need fertility treatments to conceive a child. Only married couples living within a certain radius to Morris, Illinois are eligible. 

BabyQuest Foundation is a non-profit organization whose goal is to grant financial assistance to those who cannot afford infertility treatments such as IUI, IVF, egg donation, and surrogacy. Applications are accepted from couples living anywhere in the United States. 

Bringing U Maternal Paternal Success (B.U.M.P.S.) is a non-profit organization in Florida that assists couples who have difficulty conceiving by providing grants for them to receive fertility treatments. 

The Cade Foundation has been providing grants to those struggling with infertility since 2004. The grant limit is set at $10,000 per family, helps couples pay for fertility treatment costs associated with fertility treatments or domestic adoption.

The InterNational Council on Infertility Information Dissemination offers a national scholarship program designed to help couples who cannot afford IVF fertility treatments on their own. This program actually involves fertility doctors from the across the United States willing to donate their state-of-the art facilities and services to couples.

The Madeleine Gordon Gift of Life Foundation helps needy couples in the greater Cincinnati area. To be considered, couples must not have any children together or have undergone previous IVF treatments. They must have a demonstrated need for IVF, be in good health, and have a combined family income of less than $70,000.

Please note: Couples will have to demonstrate financial need and submit required documentation including medical information. The criteria/rules at each foundation are not the same.

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I Choose Happiness

I had a situation at work once that made me look at my life in a negative way.  I couldn’t help but to look at one of my co-workers who returned to work after having a baby in an unflattering light. I thought to myself, "She's living the life that I'm supposed to be living".  “How dare she flaunt it in front of me.” I didn’t desire to be her.  Neither did I envy her because quite frankly, she appeared to be needy and often starved for attention. Ironically, it was that lack that I identified with.  I didn’t lack attention in my marriage or in my professional life, but I was lacking something I wanted so dearly, a child. I think the thing that really hurt me at that time was when I opened my email and read that my co-worker was returning to work only part-time, so she could spend more time with her growing family. That's when my former plans hit me smack in the face. My plan was to get pregnant and eventually decrease my hours to part-time. Unfortunately, that never happened and the email reminded me of that.

The entire day, all I could think about was the fact that she was living out my dream.  I also began to wonder if planned pregnancies were overall more difficult to achieve. According to the Guttmacher Institute, the average American woman spends about five years trying to become pregnant and nearly three quarters of her reproductive life trying to avoid pregnancy.  I also learned that 51 percent of 6.6 million pregnancies in the United States are unintended. That means the pregnancies were either mistimed or unwanted, while leaving about 49 percent of the pregnancies planned.  The sad thing was that information just didn't help my bothersome thoughts. I remember tossing and turning the night before she returned, dreading to hear stories about her newborn baby. In fact, I was also dreading all the stories from the other parents in the office. I swear the next morning came too quickly. The next thing I knew, I was forced to get my weightless (limp) body out of bed and prepare for work. I had a hard time getting myself together, and moved extremely slow.

That morning I suddenly had a flashback of an incident. I was at the airport in Atlanta rushing for a flight to New Orleans. There in the security checkpoint line was a woman holding her baby on her hip. This may sound crazy, but I really wanted to walk over and slap her.  The reason was simply because this woman was a mother. My husband was standing alongside me. I turned to him and said, "Honey, I don't like her." He questioned why and when I gave him my reason he laughed it off, but I was serious. I was angry at nearly every woman prancing around with a child. But despite my depression, I ended up laughing it off like my husband did. By the way, I'm not crazy and would never do any such thing. However, I've experienced some emotional moments during this "trying to conceive" period.

Anyway, eventually it was about that time for me to leave the house and go to work. During my drive all I could do was think about a way to be happy. I still have to do that sometimes to keep myself from falling apart. While in the car, I was reminded of a conversation I had with a friend about happiness, and how it is a choice. That very moment I said out loud, "You will choose happiness". I repeated it slowly several times so that it would sink in. Of course I didn't know how I was going to do so, and was nervous all the way up until I walked inside the office. But without much thought, that's what I did. I began to smile. It was a real one too, and not like the smiles I would put on just to keep folks from seeing my vulnerable side.  I did it.  I made it through the day with all the pictures and stories. 

In short, it truly felt good choosing happiness because we should rejoice with others.  So today I ask, when faced with heartache, do you choose happiness over the hurt?  I’m a witness it works.

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In due time

My journey trying to conceive has truly been a frustrating one especially for my husband. There were certainly days he allowed his emotions and thoughts get the best of him. I must admit I wasn't any better.  You’ll experience all kinds of emotions when you come across stumbling blocks while trying to conceive. Trust me. I’ll never forget the day my husband said,” You would probably have a baby by now if you were with another man,” he said. Immediately I thought, “He’s right!” Those words played in my mind for days.  Briefly I began to resent the man I married.  It’s amazing how powerful words can be and play on your heart. “Why was I entertaining that comment?” I wondered. Could I be that desperate to have a child?  The answer was yes! I had so many things circulating around in my mind because so many people reminded me that I was quickly approaching 35 years old. The age doctors say women can experience pregnancy complications and are high risk. The following are a few of the things I've heard consistently as soon as I entered my thirties. 

• It’s more of a challenge to conceive because your eggs aren't easily fertilized. They begin to decrease in quantity and quality. 
• Blood pressure and diabetes are more common in such pregnancies
• Older mothers have a higher risk of delivering babies with Down Syndrome because of chromosome problems. 

The list goes on. There’s seriously truth in the biological clock being major in some women lives.  It was nearly six months before my 35th birthday and it seemed like every time I opened a magazine, or turned on the television the topic seemed to focus on the risk of older women having babies in their thirties. Once again I began to stress.  Some of my friends didn't help. I realized some people tend to speak out of ignorance much too often. It was a Saturday afternoon and my husband and I were having lunch with one of my single-mother college friends and her two sons. There was nothing special about the occasion just friends catching up. The atmosphere was nice and we shared nothing but smiles and giggles at the table while having lunch. Then the most dreaded question for a married woman trying to conceive came flowing out of my friend’s mouth. “When are you going to have children? You’re getting old,” she blurted out.  Funny thing, I’m like a pro when it comes to answering personal questions. I’m so fast at putting on a smile and answering but this time I struggled with that and became flustered. However, I did manage to answer. “In due time,” I said.  Unfortunately my friend pressed on the subject matter and later blurted out, “You need to hurry up and have children or else you will have a retarded kid,” she so boldly said. Showing no physical signs of anger, my blood started to boil. Inside my body I felt my temperature rising. I wanted to slap my friend as hard as I could across the face but I didn't. Instead, I only imagined slapping her. I also thought it was best to just accept the fact that she was ignorant on the subject of older women having babies and that some women struggle to get pregnant for a number of reasons such as male infertility, low sperm count and much more.

Unfortunately, she wasn't the only one I came across with that mindset. However, it was then that I learned that words can hurt and that you should think carefully before opening your mouth. Depending on the words, they can ruin your relationship with people and with your spouse. My husband’s statement certainly played in my mind almost igniting the blame game in our situation. I guess partly because “Unexplained Infertility” just doesn't make any sense to me and I’m not sure if it ever will.  According to my doctor, I'm healthy with eggs waiting to be fertilized and no signs of anything else. 

 Anyway, as for my friend, I struggled most recently with sharing the most intimate details about my fertility challenges with her. I decided not to but have chosen to educate her in casual conversation on what pregnancy means for women in their thirties. It’s important for women in my shoes to share such information or else you’ll find yourself taking things too personal. As a result, I truly feel good sharing the right information with women including family and friends. To answer my husband’s question about whether or not I would have a child by now if I were with another man, “It doesn't matter because I only want one with him”. So to all the people who question when I or any other woman in her thirties, even forties will have a baby, “In due time, especially if it’s meant to be”.

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Where’s my baby?

I was supposed to be pregnant by August 2013. That's what fertility doctors told my husband and I when we first took our problem to a top rated medical care facility in Philadelphia in April of that year. The specialist was the second fertility treatment center we've visited. I was very hopeful and excited because this particular doctor was young and very welcoming. I was 33 and my husband was 35 years old. 

While most couples just have sex and get that "unexpected" pregnancy surprise, we were trying to get pregnant on purpose.  We originally started in June 2011 on our own.  However, many unsuccessful attempts led us to seek fertility treatment.   It was our last attempt to get pregnant. The first center made my husband and I feel like just a number. So you can imagine that things didn’t go well at the first fertility facility. Anyway, there we were sitting inside the lobby of a new fertility clinic we had chosen. Also in the lobby was a young looking couple just like us but they had a child with them. Curious, I decided to spark up a conversation with the woman. She introduced herself as Ellen. I learned that the slim woman was a breast cancer survivor. She was diagnosed in her early twenties and had chemo and radiation by age 23. The treatment left her infertile with a depleted number of eggs. Ellen also shared that her husband's sperm count wasn’t great either but eventually the couple was able to conceive thanks to help from doctors.  Ellen started out on Clomid and had multiple intrauterine inseminations also known as IUI's. That's when doctors use a catheter to insert your spouse's sperm. Doctors inject the sperm known as "the good swimmers" which is usually gathered after a sample of sperm has been washed and spun. As for the IUI, the procedure isn't any more uncomfortable than a routine GYN exam said Ellen who returned to doctors so she could become a second-time mom. I still had testing to go through before my husband and I could go through the IUI process. 

My first few visits to the fertility doctor consisted of bloodwork which is personally rough because I seriously hate needles. No matter what, I tend to squirm when nurses come my way to take blood. Surprisingly I managed to get through that process and things looked well on my end. Next, I was scheduled to have a Hysterosalpingram (HSG) test. I must say that was probably the most disturbing test for me. I remember walking in a surgery room with a nurse. A doctor was there waiting for me. Another set of doctors were in the corner monitoring radiographic screens that would show my cervix. During the radiology procedure, dye is injected into the uterine cavity to show whether or not your fallopian tubes are blocked. Any such blockage in your fallopian tubes makes it difficult for you to get pregnant. 
Prior to having the HSG I was advised to take 2-3 Advil before the test to lessen the pain after the procedure. I'm not sure if it helped much because I felt very uncomfortable and the cramping was just too much for me and so I cried until doctors were finished. The nurse did her best to comfort me, quietly whispering in my ear that things would be fine. Fortunately, the procedure revealed my fallopian tubes were all clear and that there was no blockage. That was certainly good news. It looked like it was just a matter of time before I would have a bundle of joy in my life.

Now it's prep time for my first IUI. I had clomid in my system. I had my ovulation kit handy and I was serious about testing my urine every morning for the Luteinizing Hormone (LH).The directions seemed easy and for some reason I felt very positive. Seriously the entire process helped me learn my body more intimately. On May 7th my LH levels were high so I headed into the doctor's office for my first IUI. The surge in LH levels occurs right before ovulation and pinpoints your most fertile days to get pregnant. Unfortunately nearly three weeks later my period came on but I wasn’t too disappointed.  In June my husband and I repeated the same process. We were unsuccessful yet again. Then in July we tried another IUI. Two weeks later we were expected to head to the doctors for a pregnancy test. To me, I was pregnant. More days passed by and then it was 18 days after my third IUI and I felt like I waited long enough to find out if I was pregnant. The goal was to call my doctor in the morning but to my surprise my period came on before I had the chance to make that appointment.  I was distraught. This may sound odd but I don’t even think I shed one tear. At that very moment I became numb. My husband and I have been trying for two years and it was starting to damage us and our relationship. 

Every single test and or medical procedure determined that I was perfectly healthy therefore leading doctors to categorize my situation as "unexplained infertility".  You would think that I would have been happy to learn that I didn’t have fibroids, cervical polyps or endometriosis. Basically conditions that make it hard for women to get pregnant but I actually became quite depressed.  It didn’t help much that there wasn’t anyone close to me that could coach me through this experience. As far as I knew I thought getting pregnant would be easy. Do you know that there are only a limited number of days each menstrual cycle when a woman can get pregnant?  You have a few days before ovulation and only 24 hours after it occurs.  The next step would be to try In Vitro Fertilization (IVF) which involves combining eggs and sperm outside the body in a laboratory. Once an embryo is formed then it is placed in the uterus. It's an expensive procedure along with adoption I just wasn’t ready for it at that time. Besides it was now August 2013 and I was trying to cope with not being pregnant after doctors promised me I would be with child.  

I guess you can say I'm still in the grieving period. Most days I'm strong. In fact, my attitude these days is "If it's meant to be then it will happen". But there are days when I become sad but I've learned that it's ok and normal to have such feelings.  Sure August 2013 has come and gone but I'm no longer on a schedule to get pregnant and that has helped tremendously. So I encourage all women to be strong, keep trying and don't stress by trying to plan every single detail in your life.  Love your life and your situation. In fact use what's going on in your life to strengthen those around you.  

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