How bad do you want to be a mother?

To be pregnant or Not to be pregnant, that is the question. A very close friend of mine asked me one day during one of my rants, "How bad do you want to be a mother?" The question sort of caught me off guard. I immediately thought, "I don't know." She had a very good reason for the question and it was something I never actually thought about. It was Adoption!

According to the Adoption and Foster Care Analysis and Reporting System there were more than 400,000 children waiting to get adopted around this time last year. That's heartbreaking and still is a very tough decision for someone, like myself, who always dreamed of having a child from her own womb. To be honest, adoption never seemed to be an option. So many things kept me from fully exploring that avenue. First, "How do I explain an infant without pregnancy pictures?" Another thing that haunts me is, "Will people consider me LESS than a woman because I didn't give birth to this child?" Those reasons may sound crazy to you but they're hard to erase out of my head. My husband has certainly shot down the idea of adoption but that's because I think he's not educated on the subject.

One thing my friend did by posing that question is make me look at motherhood from a different perspective. Sure it would be nice to have children, genetically connected to my spouse but how bad do I want to be a mother? Do I just want to be pregnant or do I want to nurture a child and provide a loving home? It would really be nice to do both actually. Today, I can't say that I'm moving in the direction of adoption right now but my friend definitely sparked something in me that I'm sure to explore further. I'll never know why I'm faced with the challenge of 'Unexplained Infertility' and what lesson I'm supposed to take from it. Whatever the case, I have so much love to give and look forward to motherhood whether it's through natural childbearing or adoption.

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Where’s my baby?

I was supposed to be pregnant by August 2013. That's what fertility doctors told my husband and I when we first took our problem to a top rated medical care facility in Philadelphia in April of that year. The specialist was the second fertility treatment center we've visited. I was very hopeful and excited because this particular doctor was young and very welcoming. I was 33 and my husband was 35 years old. 

While most couples just have sex and get that "unexpected" pregnancy surprise, we were trying to get pregnant on purpose.  We originally started in June 2011 on our own.  However, many unsuccessful attempts led us to seek fertility treatment.   It was our last attempt to get pregnant. The first center made my husband and I feel like just a number. So you can imagine that things didn’t go well at the first fertility facility. Anyway, there we were sitting inside the lobby of a new fertility clinic we had chosen. Also in the lobby was a young looking couple just like us but they had a child with them. Curious, I decided to spark up a conversation with the woman. She introduced herself as Ellen. I learned that the slim woman was a breast cancer survivor. She was diagnosed in her early twenties and had chemo and radiation by age 23. The treatment left her infertile with a depleted number of eggs. Ellen also shared that her husband's sperm count wasn’t great either but eventually the couple was able to conceive thanks to help from doctors.  Ellen started out on Clomid and had multiple intrauterine inseminations also known as IUI's. That's when doctors use a catheter to insert your spouse's sperm. Doctors inject the sperm known as "the good swimmers" which is usually gathered after a sample of sperm has been washed and spun. As for the IUI, the procedure isn't any more uncomfortable than a routine GYN exam said Ellen who returned to doctors so she could become a second-time mom. I still had testing to go through before my husband and I could go through the IUI process. 

My first few visits to the fertility doctor consisted of bloodwork which is personally rough because I seriously hate needles. No matter what, I tend to squirm when nurses come my way to take blood. Surprisingly I managed to get through that process and things looked well on my end. Next, I was scheduled to have a Hysterosalpingram (HSG) test. I must say that was probably the most disturbing test for me. I remember walking in a surgery room with a nurse. A doctor was there waiting for me. Another set of doctors were in the corner monitoring radiographic screens that would show my cervix. During the radiology procedure, dye is injected into the uterine cavity to show whether or not your fallopian tubes are blocked. Any such blockage in your fallopian tubes makes it difficult for you to get pregnant. 
Prior to having the HSG I was advised to take 2-3 Advil before the test to lessen the pain after the procedure. I'm not sure if it helped much because I felt very uncomfortable and the cramping was just too much for me and so I cried until doctors were finished. The nurse did her best to comfort me, quietly whispering in my ear that things would be fine. Fortunately, the procedure revealed my fallopian tubes were all clear and that there was no blockage. That was certainly good news. It looked like it was just a matter of time before I would have a bundle of joy in my life.

Now it's prep time for my first IUI. I had clomid in my system. I had my ovulation kit handy and I was serious about testing my urine every morning for the Luteinizing Hormone (LH).The directions seemed easy and for some reason I felt very positive. Seriously the entire process helped me learn my body more intimately. On May 7th my LH levels were high so I headed into the doctor's office for my first IUI. The surge in LH levels occurs right before ovulation and pinpoints your most fertile days to get pregnant. Unfortunately nearly three weeks later my period came on but I wasn’t too disappointed.  In June my husband and I repeated the same process. We were unsuccessful yet again. Then in July we tried another IUI. Two weeks later we were expected to head to the doctors for a pregnancy test. To me, I was pregnant. More days passed by and then it was 18 days after my third IUI and I felt like I waited long enough to find out if I was pregnant. The goal was to call my doctor in the morning but to my surprise my period came on before I had the chance to make that appointment.  I was distraught. This may sound odd but I don’t even think I shed one tear. At that very moment I became numb. My husband and I have been trying for two years and it was starting to damage us and our relationship. 

Every single test and or medical procedure determined that I was perfectly healthy therefore leading doctors to categorize my situation as "unexplained infertility".  You would think that I would have been happy to learn that I didn’t have fibroids, cervical polyps or endometriosis. Basically conditions that make it hard for women to get pregnant but I actually became quite depressed.  It didn’t help much that there wasn’t anyone close to me that could coach me through this experience. As far as I knew I thought getting pregnant would be easy. Do you know that there are only a limited number of days each menstrual cycle when a woman can get pregnant?  You have a few days before ovulation and only 24 hours after it occurs.  The next step would be to try In Vitro Fertilization (IVF) which involves combining eggs and sperm outside the body in a laboratory. Once an embryo is formed then it is placed in the uterus. It's an expensive procedure along with adoption I just wasn’t ready for it at that time. Besides it was now August 2013 and I was trying to cope with not being pregnant after doctors promised me I would be with child.  

I guess you can say I'm still in the grieving period. Most days I'm strong. In fact, my attitude these days is "If it's meant to be then it will happen". But there are days when I become sad but I've learned that it's ok and normal to have such feelings.  Sure August 2013 has come and gone but I'm no longer on a schedule to get pregnant and that has helped tremendously. So I encourage all women to be strong, keep trying and don't stress by trying to plan every single detail in your life.  Love your life and your situation. In fact use what's going on in your life to strengthen those around you.  

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