Blessings in the form of Adoption

Talk to anyone alive in the 50s and they’ll paint you a very different picture of the family arrangement.

Dad was the bread winner, Mom was the homemaker, and if the phone rang during dinner no one got up to get it.

Since then, women have gone into the workforce, and changed the world as we know it. One of those women is Deborah Mannis-Gardner, aptly dubbed The Queen of Sample Clearance.

For over 20 years, Deborah has acquired music for recording artists, films, and video games. Her hard work can be heard on Kanye, Nas, and Diddy albums, as well as on stage in the ground-breaking musical Hamilton.

Deborah is a powerful woman in the music business, but once you talk to her, you’ll see there is nothing she is more proud of than her sixteen-year-old son Curtis.

Check out Deborah’s journey to motherhood and her advice to women struggling with infertility.

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New Year. New Dreams. New Attitude!

I used to get depressed every month during the start of my menstrual cycle but now I look at it from a different perspective. It's now a reminder for me to keep trying to conceive. That's my attitude these days. When life knocks you down, get back up!  

I must admit, it hasn't been an easy task especially when family and friends are convinced that after marriage there will be a baby carriage. Some couples will have the total package, but the reality is not every marriage will experience the baby carriage the traditional way. Sometimes, couples have to go another route to grow their families like adoption. Whatever the case, I've learned over the past three years not to allow anger and sadness to consume my life during this "trying to conceive" process.  

A few weeks ago, a college friend shared some exciting news with me. "I'm pregnant," she exclaimed. Okay I rolled my eyes not because I was unhappy but because I'm human. I immediately thought, "It's happening again. Everyone is pregnant except for me."  Then I suddenly challenged myself to not take her good news so personally. To be honest, she has no idea what I've been battling with inside. In fact, not many people can say they know what I've been going through because I've chosen not to share the most intimate details of my infertility journey.  Unfortunately, I feel like some people just want to be in my business, are self-proclaimed experts who give bad advice, or false prophets confessing everything I want to hear.  However, as I work on opening up to people, I've decided to be happy for my friend. Ultimately, her pregnancy is a blessing and worth celebrating.  After all, her exciting news doesn't mean that I'm not blessed. I have plenty of things to celebrate too. 

QUESTION: How do you cope with infertility? Share your story. 

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Cope. Smile. Fight Infertility

Whether you’re twenty, thirty or forty-something infertility can be tough whether explained or unexplained. However, there are ways to cope and to help women deal with the emotional roller coaster ride. I often felt alone until I started to do a little bit of research.  Did you know that 6% percent of married women in the United States struggle to get pregnant after one year of unprotected sex?  Also, about 12% of American women encounter challenges to get pregnant regardless of marital status. To my surprise infertility isn’t just a woman’s problem; it’s also a condition that many men experience as well. Although I continue to struggle with who I decide to share my personal story with, keeping a journal and following a few quick tips have helped me tremendously. 

1.       EDUCATE YOURSELF-When it comes to trying to conceive, people tend to think that it’s an easy task. But it takes more than just sex. Women and men should prepare their bodies. First, start taking vitamins and change your eating habits.  It also helps to get to know your cycle by keeping record and tracking your ovulation days.  As a result, I can tell when I’m ovulating and the slight discomfort for me usually indicates which side of my Fallopian tube will release an egg.

2.      JOIN A SUPPORT GROUP-This was one of the best things I have done thus far. I have such a strong support system when it comes to dealing with infertility now. In fact, I consider many of the people friends because they have helped me smile during a time that appeared nothing but gloomy. So what are you waiting for? Start looking at local groups you can connect with. In the meantime, follow Give Me A Ring and A Baby on Facebook, Instagram (Give_Me­_A_Ring_And_A_Baby) or @ringandbaby on Twitter to meet women online struggling with infertility too.

3.      ADOPT HEALTHY HABITS-Drop the stress, stop worrying and relax.  Keep your life simple by trying not to think about that intimacy time with your spouse as a job.  Although it may appear that way because you have to put in a lot of work for that bundle of joy, continue to enjoy your spouse. Take a different approach and try to spice up things in the bedroom with roses, music and little role play…….Hint. Hint.

4.      PAMPER YOURSELF-Go to the salon, do a little shopping and take your mind off the baby by indulging in some “ME” time.  Sure, the goal is to get pregnant but learn to spend a little time on your mind, body and soul. Trying to conceive should be a fun experience not a time consuming one where you lose sight of yourself.

5.   EXPLORE YOUR OPTIONS-Seek professional help and find yourself a fertility doctor. If you have already done so, try thinking about adoption. I would love to give birth to a baby but if that’s not a part of my written story then I would embrace the opportunity to nurture a child through adoption.  Just because you decide to explore options such as adoption, that does not mean you’re giving up on the possibility of having a child of your own.

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Motherhood takes patience

If it takes patience to be a mother then it must takes patience on the road to becoming a mother.  That's a hard pill to swallow for someone like myself who lacks patience but I'm working on it. And I know I'm not alone. While some of my friends are sending their children off to high school, I'm still on the journey to conceive. I'm not actively trying like I was in the past but if it happens, I would embrace the opportunity to be a mom.

In just a few weeks, I'll be heading into the age range where women experience more difficulty getting pregnant. A scary reality I must face. However, I'm always reminded by family and friends that a baby is in my future. One of my closet friends said to me that she had a relative who didn't conceive until age 50, and that I should remain patient. "You mean to tell me, I may have to wait until 50," I frantically thought. Should I even try for that long? 

Whatever the case, I'm learning that patience isn't an overnight process.  I don't know about you but I strongly believe that's my lesson during this particular chapter of my life. How many people can actually say they mastered patience?  I'm the kind of person who wants what she wants now.  Unfortunately my "now" has turned into years of waiting for a miracle baby. According to doctors, it's unexplained infertility and my parents just believe motherhood hasn't happened yet due to stress. Other family members point to the men in the family because conceiving appears to be a familiar challenge.  As for myself, I think there's something bigger and of course a greater message behind my fertility challenges.  

In fact, each time I hear about someone's fertility challenges and all the money some couples spend to conceive just to end up pregnant naturally, I start to look forward to sharing one of those "miracle" stories as well.  A few weeks ago, my cousin who suffered from PCOS said after medical treatment and completing adoption classes, she reluctantly took a pregnancy test one day after feeling sick.  To her surprise she was pregnant. Now she has a two year old daughter. 

"I believe there is more to conceiving than medical treatment! Yes, it does work for some but for those that it doesn't.....Don't give up," she said. 

Sure it's normal to feel as time passes there's no hope but my cousin said it best, DON'T GIVE UP!  Although I've never imagined fertility challenges to be a part of my story, each passing month, I suddenly feel stronger and willing to "patiently" wait.  

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How bad do you want to be a mother?

To be pregnant or Not to be pregnant, that is the question. A very close friend of mine asked me one day during one of my rants, "How bad do you want to be a mother?" The question sort of caught me off guard. I immediately thought, "I don't know." She had a very good reason for the question and it was something I never actually thought about. It was Adoption!

According to the Adoption and Foster Care Analysis and Reporting System there were more than 400,000 children waiting to get adopted around this time last year. That's heartbreaking and still is a very tough decision for someone, like myself, who always dreamed of having a child from her own womb. To be honest, adoption never seemed to be an option. So many things kept me from fully exploring that avenue. First, "How do I explain an infant without pregnancy pictures?" Another thing that haunts me is, "Will people consider me LESS than a woman because I didn't give birth to this child?" Those reasons may sound crazy to you but they're hard to erase out of my head. My husband has certainly shot down the idea of adoption but that's because I think he's not educated on the subject.

One thing my friend did by posing that question is make me look at motherhood from a different perspective. Sure it would be nice to have children, genetically connected to my spouse but how bad do I want to be a mother? Do I just want to be pregnant or do I want to nurture a child and provide a loving home? It would really be nice to do both actually. Today, I can't say that I'm moving in the direction of adoption right now but my friend definitely sparked something in me that I'm sure to explore further. I'll never know why I'm faced with the challenge of 'Unexplained Infertility' and what lesson I'm supposed to take from it. Whatever the case, I have so much love to give and look forward to motherhood whether it's through natural childbearing or adoption.

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Where’s my baby?

I was supposed to be pregnant by August 2013. That's what fertility doctors told my husband and I when we first took our problem to a top rated medical care facility in Philadelphia in April of that year. The specialist was the second fertility treatment center we've visited. I was very hopeful and excited because this particular doctor was young and very welcoming. I was 33 and my husband was 35 years old. 

While most couples just have sex and get that "unexpected" pregnancy surprise, we were trying to get pregnant on purpose.  We originally started in June 2011 on our own.  However, many unsuccessful attempts led us to seek fertility treatment.   It was our last attempt to get pregnant. The first center made my husband and I feel like just a number. So you can imagine that things didn’t go well at the first fertility facility. Anyway, there we were sitting inside the lobby of a new fertility clinic we had chosen. Also in the lobby was a young looking couple just like us but they had a child with them. Curious, I decided to spark up a conversation with the woman. She introduced herself as Ellen. I learned that the slim woman was a breast cancer survivor. She was diagnosed in her early twenties and had chemo and radiation by age 23. The treatment left her infertile with a depleted number of eggs. Ellen also shared that her husband's sperm count wasn’t great either but eventually the couple was able to conceive thanks to help from doctors.  Ellen started out on Clomid and had multiple intrauterine inseminations also known as IUI's. That's when doctors use a catheter to insert your spouse's sperm. Doctors inject the sperm known as "the good swimmers" which is usually gathered after a sample of sperm has been washed and spun. As for the IUI, the procedure isn't any more uncomfortable than a routine GYN exam said Ellen who returned to doctors so she could become a second-time mom. I still had testing to go through before my husband and I could go through the IUI process. 

My first few visits to the fertility doctor consisted of bloodwork which is personally rough because I seriously hate needles. No matter what, I tend to squirm when nurses come my way to take blood. Surprisingly I managed to get through that process and things looked well on my end. Next, I was scheduled to have a Hysterosalpingram (HSG) test. I must say that was probably the most disturbing test for me. I remember walking in a surgery room with a nurse. A doctor was there waiting for me. Another set of doctors were in the corner monitoring radiographic screens that would show my cervix. During the radiology procedure, dye is injected into the uterine cavity to show whether or not your fallopian tubes are blocked. Any such blockage in your fallopian tubes makes it difficult for you to get pregnant. 
Prior to having the HSG I was advised to take 2-3 Advil before the test to lessen the pain after the procedure. I'm not sure if it helped much because I felt very uncomfortable and the cramping was just too much for me and so I cried until doctors were finished. The nurse did her best to comfort me, quietly whispering in my ear that things would be fine. Fortunately, the procedure revealed my fallopian tubes were all clear and that there was no blockage. That was certainly good news. It looked like it was just a matter of time before I would have a bundle of joy in my life.

Now it's prep time for my first IUI. I had clomid in my system. I had my ovulation kit handy and I was serious about testing my urine every morning for the Luteinizing Hormone (LH).The directions seemed easy and for some reason I felt very positive. Seriously the entire process helped me learn my body more intimately. On May 7th my LH levels were high so I headed into the doctor's office for my first IUI. The surge in LH levels occurs right before ovulation and pinpoints your most fertile days to get pregnant. Unfortunately nearly three weeks later my period came on but I wasn’t too disappointed.  In June my husband and I repeated the same process. We were unsuccessful yet again. Then in July we tried another IUI. Two weeks later we were expected to head to the doctors for a pregnancy test. To me, I was pregnant. More days passed by and then it was 18 days after my third IUI and I felt like I waited long enough to find out if I was pregnant. The goal was to call my doctor in the morning but to my surprise my period came on before I had the chance to make that appointment.  I was distraught. This may sound odd but I don’t even think I shed one tear. At that very moment I became numb. My husband and I have been trying for two years and it was starting to damage us and our relationship. 

Every single test and or medical procedure determined that I was perfectly healthy therefore leading doctors to categorize my situation as "unexplained infertility".  You would think that I would have been happy to learn that I didn’t have fibroids, cervical polyps or endometriosis. Basically conditions that make it hard for women to get pregnant but I actually became quite depressed.  It didn’t help much that there wasn’t anyone close to me that could coach me through this experience. As far as I knew I thought getting pregnant would be easy. Do you know that there are only a limited number of days each menstrual cycle when a woman can get pregnant?  You have a few days before ovulation and only 24 hours after it occurs.  The next step would be to try In Vitro Fertilization (IVF) which involves combining eggs and sperm outside the body in a laboratory. Once an embryo is formed then it is placed in the uterus. It's an expensive procedure along with adoption I just wasn’t ready for it at that time. Besides it was now August 2013 and I was trying to cope with not being pregnant after doctors promised me I would be with child.  

I guess you can say I'm still in the grieving period. Most days I'm strong. In fact, my attitude these days is "If it's meant to be then it will happen". But there are days when I become sad but I've learned that it's ok and normal to have such feelings.  Sure August 2013 has come and gone but I'm no longer on a schedule to get pregnant and that has helped tremendously. So I encourage all women to be strong, keep trying and don't stress by trying to plan every single detail in your life.  Love your life and your situation. In fact use what's going on in your life to strengthen those around you.  

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