Focus..........

The softest skin you'll ever touch and sweetest aroma you'll ever smell. That's what comes across my mind when I think of a baby.  The thought of being someone's protector, and comforter tickles me. I guess because in my mind I really would be a very great mother. The simple thought keeps me going especially when I start to obsess over children, think of baby names and pre-plan the most glamous baby shower in my head. I once thought becoming a mother would complete me. 

Then there's the thought that makes me wonder what makes me great without children? I often struggle with that question partly because of my fertility challenges. It's like a deep scar that I'd like to think is healing.  Unfortunately, fertility challenges have changed me, at least a part of my life where being ugly became my norm. It's no excuse but because of it I started to dislike almost everything around me, even pushing good people away. It's so easy to fall into a depression and count the things that go wrong. Instead of focusing on how great of a mother I believe I can be, maybe it's about time I shift my attention to bettering myself.  "How can I fully be the best mom ever, when infertility has brought out the worst in me," I've asked myself.  "Why do I have to wait for a child to love and how could birthing one make me the best person/mother when I have such a bad attitude," are two other questions I've posed. 

The truth is I don't have to wait until I become a mother and becoming one will not autimatically turn me into a more loving person. In fact, it won't work for anyone. Although infertility is no walk in the park, maybe it's a challenge for us to better ourselves, demonstrate patience or a reminder to not take things for granted.  I just might be tasked with achieving all three. Ha! 

Whatever you're struggling with, never think for one moment that your life is incomplete without a child, significant other or anything else. Start to train your mind to see the good in your situation. As for what makes me great now..... my blessings are just too many to count and so are yours. 

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Joyful moments are created........

One thing I’ve learned during my infertility journey is that joyful moments are created and are needed most especially during this period in my life. At one time, I was very upset with the thought of not bearing any children.  I’m in my mid-thirties and sometimes I get too wrapped up into thinking about that darn biological clock. The one thing I thought would be an easy accomplishment became a very challenging task.  So I decided to give up because I thought it was best for my sanity. But what I didn’t realize at the time, is giving up caused me to stop living, laughing and smiling. As a result, my infertility struggle grew worse.

The truth is there are going to be moments in our lives when we all come across at least one hurdle.  Infertility is my hurdle.  In other words, it’s a roadblock meant to deter, ultimately keeping you and I from our goals or causing us to fall into depression. I can’t say that I made it over my hurdle just yet, but I am more creative now and working towards it.  To be completely honest, I’m not trying to conceive any more.  The reason is because sometimes, I tend to put too much pressure on myself. I guess that’s the perfectionist inside me. No, I didn’t give up.  Instead, I decided to just live right now, make new friends, and create joyful moments before there’s a bundle of joy.

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To the extreme....

I often laugh at some of the things that crossed my mind when I was trying to get pregnant. At one time, I was willing to do anything. I thought about everything from traveling to Ripley's Believe or Not Museum to rub my hands on an African fertility statue to taking African yams. The story behind the yams is that they're supposed to increase fertility and your chances of having twins.  I figured why not try for twins. 

Sometimes when you're trying to conceive you're willing to go to the extreme.  I would spend hours on the internet looking for anything that could help me achieve my goal of becoming a parent. The idea of living without a children really freaked me out. The thought of being alone with my spouse saddened me. I thought one of us would eventually die, leaving the other to grow old alone. 

All kinds of thoughts would run across my mind until I started to change my mindset. "Is there life without children," I thought. How can I get over this hurdle and will people poke fun at my failure to conceive," were just a few of the questions that cluttered my brain. 

We never know why we're faced with challenges but one thing is certain how we handle them makes a difference. Today, I accept my life for what it is and looking to be more optimistic about my future as well as celebrate all of the other great things I have going on. 

Infertility isn't the end of the road. If anything it has taught me patience as well as endurance and that's the one important life lesson that we can all benefit from. 

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Healing broken wings

I never thought I would see this day. The day that I’d become comfortable with my “childless” status.  Some of us are groomed very young to be nurturers. We were even showered with countless dolls, subliminally sending the message that little girls will eventually become mothers.  We also hold onto hope that one day we’ll birth our very own baby. 

What happens when that’s not your story? How do you handle it and better yet how do you explain to others that you can still live a fulfilling life without children?

One thing I find important when doctors can’t explain why you’re having trouble conceiving a child is a support team.  You know the tight circle of friends that will keep you mentally strong. Three years ago having a support team never crossed my mind. I often thought, “There’s no one is my life that would understand this struggle.”

Surprisingly, there were quite a few people in my life that shared moments with me keeping me from falling into a dark depressing space.  That’s when I decided to re-examine my relationships with people.  I’ve always been a private person, opening up to very few people. Outsiders looking in would call me strong; others considered it being too guarded. I on the other hand considered my behavior cautious. So choosing folks to talk with about my “unexplained infertility” diagnosis and motherhood journey was not easy. 

We all know nothing in life is promised. There will be women who will never marry, birth children, have a career and so on.  It doesn’t help when people make you feel like a failure when you’re missing any of the above.   The reality is you’re simply not guaranteed those things in life. That doesn’t mean you haven’t prayed hard enough or that you’re cursed.  I’ve learned that the best thing to have is family or a set of friends that can offer a shoulder to cry on, a listening ear, or be that person who knows all the right things to say in order to keep you sane. 

While many of us struggling with infertility feel broken, there will come a time for healing but only if you allow it or form a support system to heal those broken wings.

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Infertility knows no race

I’ve never considered myself a selfish person until I encountered fertility challenges.  After several failed pregnancy attempts, my life became an emotional roller coaster.  I took infertility personal and at one point I felt alone.  I just couldn’t fully digest “unexplained infertility” because my doctor said there were no signs of a reproductive medical condition. 

It took a trip to the hospital for me to recognize my selfish ways thanks to a complete stranger.  “Do you have any children,” asked a nurse as she prepared me for surgery.  It was one of the coldest days of January and I was having a benign lump removed from my left breast.  I quickly replied, “No, I don’t have any children.”  Then the jovial nurse followed up with another personal question. “How old are you,” she asked. I answered and without hesitation she said, “I know what you’re going through, so don’t let it ruin your marriage.  He’s suffering too.” My husband had just stepped out of the room and I was alone with the nurse when she made that comment. However, at that very moment, it hit me that I’ve never thought how infertility affected my husband.  I only thought about myself and how it made me feel.

I don’t know how the nurse knew about my struggle but she certainly gave me something to think about. Maybe it was the way my husband and I looked at each other when questioned about children.  According to the nurse, her marriage nearly came to an end because of infertility. Fortunately, after five years of trying to conceive she eventually became pregnant.

Statistics show that 1 in 8 American couples struggle with infertility.  It’s a condition that’s just as familiar to men as it is to women.  The truth is none of us are alone especially if you’re in a relationship.  We are often surrounded by men and women who struggle daily with infertility. Why? Because it’s a condition that knows no race, sex, or age.  So let's raise awareness, and encourage more open discussion so couples aren't ashamed to walk in their truth. 

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Fertility Struggles? This song list may help.

No Less Than a Woman- (Lady Saw) I discovered this song during a day I needed encouragement the most. The reggae artists stresses that not having children doesn’t make you less than a woman. The message is a very comforting one. My favorite line: “I have so much love to give to so many unwanted kids.”

There’s Hope-(India Arie) This particular song has a melody that will instantly uplift you. No matter what you're going through, the musician behind this song encourages you to smile and reminds you to have hope.

Always-(Jessica Reedy Unplugged) The lyrics in this song are very inspirational, reminding listeners that “It won’t be like this Always, there will be better days.

Everything Is Everything-(Lauryn Hill) If it’s meant to be, it will be. Fertility Doctors will not have the last say. “Change comes eventually.”

My dream baby....

It was a soft kiss and my eyes were closed. It felt so real but then I opened my eyes.   I was dreaming. I’m not sure what the dream was about but somewhere in the dream a baby appeared. The kiss was from a chubby baby girl and she called me mommy.  That was music to my ears. She also looked adorable with curly dark hair. 

I’m not sure why I had that dream. Recently I decided that kids may not be for me. After trying to conceive and taking fertility treatments, I’m worn out. It doesn’t help that I’m always so tired from my day-to-day work routine.  I also feel like time has passed me by especially as I quickly approach the tail end of my thirties. My decision came during a ride to a funeral. A very close friend of mine lost her brother and as I prepared myself to comfort her, I suddenly realized that maybe I should exercise being the best aunt I could be. She has two children and they both call me “auntie.”  

It’s funny how life plays out sometimes. Although I’m the eldest of four children I never imagined hearing that word “aunt” before “mommy.”  I thought my ears would be ringing in a good way of course from the word “mommy” by now. However, my friend’s children aren’t the only ones that call me “auntie.”  One of my brothers has two children including a toddler who tickles me every time she says the name. She’s a soon to be four-year old and I love her more than I ever thought I could love. That’s probably because she was born during my trying-to-conceive period. 

People often say there’s a meaning behind every dream.  I often wonder what my dreams are telling me especially my dream about the mysterious baby. Whatever the message is I’m truly thankful to be the nurturer that I always knew was within me. Sure I’m not a nurturer to my own children, only to my many nieces and nephews and that’s the greatest feeling in the world.

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New Year. New Dreams. New Attitude!

I used to get depressed every month during the start of my menstrual cycle but now I look at it from a different perspective. It's now a reminder for me to keep trying to conceive. That's my attitude these days. When life knocks you down, get back up!  

I must admit, it hasn't been an easy task especially when family and friends are convinced that after marriage there will be a baby carriage. Some couples will have the total package, but the reality is not every marriage will experience the baby carriage the traditional way. Sometimes, couples have to go another route to grow their families like adoption. Whatever the case, I've learned over the past three years not to allow anger and sadness to consume my life during this "trying to conceive" process.  

A few weeks ago, a college friend shared some exciting news with me. "I'm pregnant," she exclaimed. Okay I rolled my eyes not because I was unhappy but because I'm human. I immediately thought, "It's happening again. Everyone is pregnant except for me."  Then I suddenly challenged myself to not take her good news so personally. To be honest, she has no idea what I've been battling with inside. In fact, not many people can say they know what I've been going through because I've chosen not to share the most intimate details of my infertility journey.  Unfortunately, I feel like some people just want to be in my business, are self-proclaimed experts who give bad advice, or false prophets confessing everything I want to hear.  However, as I work on opening up to people, I've decided to be happy for my friend. Ultimately, her pregnancy is a blessing and worth celebrating.  After all, her exciting news doesn't mean that I'm not blessed. I have plenty of things to celebrate too. 

QUESTION: How do you cope with infertility? Share your story. 

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