Childless doesn't mean sadness

There's nothing like feeling good and confident. I like to hold my head high when I walk. Sometimes I even like to flip my hair and look back at my life and smile. When I'm happy, I make sure I showcase my pearly whites.  Believe it not even as I struggle with unexplained infertility, I still manage to laugh, live and keep moving. I'm 5'3 but when my mood is good, I feel like a super model, strutting down the runway. Why not? It wasn't always this way though. I'm strong today because of those around me. However, every so often I have to fight to keep my happiness and even convince others that I'm in a good place. "No I don't want to hear what you believe is in my future," I shout inwardly as I roll my eyes each time I'm approached by someone who claims they know a baby is in my future.

I pick and choose who I decide to share my story with because I have trust issues when it comes to being completely transparent.  I don’t’ want to be reminded of things or have what I say thrown back in my face. But that’s what happened one day. I decided to open up to a friend. We’re like sisters and it felt good because I no longer had to dodge baby questions or pretend I was okay around her. However, during one of my happy moments, I received a phone call and it was from my dear friend. “Hey sis, I want to tell you something,” she said. I became excited and of course rushed her to share what was on her chest. “I was on the bus today and saw a woman who reminded me of you.  She was your twin and holding a baby boy,” she said.  Confused and not sure where she was going with the news, I quickly said, “Okay, I’m listening.” That’s when she shared that she believed the woman holding the baby was a sign and confirmation for her that I would be a mother of a baby boy. I began to become annoyed and immediately regretted opening up. Somehow, I smiled though and managed to share with her that it was nice she thought of me but not to feel sad about my situation or the need to give me false hope or happiness.

There’s something about women without children that make people think you need a hug, sympathy or my favorite unsolicited advice on how to get pregnant. I don’t walk around with my head hanging low, I'm strutting down the runway because I've already cried over my situation and my tears have run dry. "Trust me, I'm fine," I find myself saying this to others as they tear up when I share my story.

My thought is that it's not the end of the world. My family just looks different from yours. It's just my husband and I for now. Instead of children, I have a spoiled cat. So don't feel sorry for me, just be a friend and a good listener.  I’m childless and full of life.

Question: What kind of reaction do you get from people after sharing your fertility challenges?

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Conquering infertility

 "Yes, let's have a baby," I shouted with excitement. That was four years ago. I realized that as I drove my 4 year-old niece to my best friend's daughter birthday party. So many things raced across my mind then especially when I met one parent. She looked older but fit as she juggled two children at the gathering. The woman had a 1 year-old boy and 5 year-old girl. I was drawn to this particular parent mostly because of her age. Majority of the women I know became mothers in their early twenties and today they still look young with their teenage children. However, I knew that wasn't the case for this slender woman who appeared to be older with a very young spirit.  A spirit that I believed wasn't possible for women who had children late. I've come across so many self-proclaimed fertility experts that have been more discouraging than encouraging once they learn of my age. As I stared at this woman, I began to think that could be me. It was at that moment, I began to feel a sense of joy.

Fascinated with this woman's energy, I asked my friend about the woman.  "She's 44 years-old," my friend answered without hesitation. It's like my friend was reading my mind.  "That's seven years older than me," I said with amazement to myself. It was like my hope was suddenly restored.  I'm often back and forth when it comes to children because of my age. In fact, I feel like some days I should let go until I meet older parents who share their positive experiences.

Today, is a good day and I feel hopeful about what the future has in store for me.  Even if it's not motherhood, my hope is that others are encouraged as they continue to cope with their fertility challenges.  It's really important for those who conquer infertility to remain supportive as well and I can see myself doing just that even if my journey leads to motherhood.  In a weird way, I feel like infertility is my calling, and giving me a purpose. One thing is definitely not an option and that's losing hope.  

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Be someone's rock!

Just when I thought I was healed, the pain came back. It's always in my lower stomach and it feels as if someone is ripping through it. The gut wrenching pain is like no other pain I've experienced before. It used to come often especially when someone announced their pregnancy. At one time, everyone around me was popping up pregnant. Some who struggled with infertility and others were women who expressed no desire to have children. The announcements were destroying me physically and mentally. Thoughts of running away would come across my mind but I would always ask myself, "Where would I go?"

On the outside, I appear to have everything together. I'm married, a successful career woman and living in a working class community with a lot of land. Too much for a former city couple especially my husband who doesn't like spending hours on landscaping. "I can't blame him but the job must get done," I often express to others. However, deep inside, my heart hurts every time it beats. I feel useless some moments, usually during times when I'm forced to face my "childless" status. Pregnancy announcements remind me of my struggle with unexplained infertility. My husband and I tried consistently for about two years but pretty much given up hope and stopped trying for the last three years.  I was told, "That's when it will finally happen, the moment your mind is free and not thinking about children."

 "But is that true or something we tell others to help them cope," I wonder at times. I never thought those gut wrenching pains would come back because I thought I was healed after a flood of pregnancy announcements over the past few years. Unfortunately, I'm not and I guess I'm still learning to cope. Infertility is a daily struggle that I've somehow suppressed. In my community, women just don't talk about it. But from this point, I'm learning that I should and will talk.

Last night, my husband and I talked about our family planning journey for the first time in months. We've said inappropriate things and even shared a long stretch of laughter afterwards. That may not be the answer for couples but it certainly felt good to us. The bottom line is I want to heal and get to a point when I'm genuinely happy when expecting mothers share their good news.  Several celebrities have broken the silence on infertility and it's a step in the right direction but there's more work to be done. There are still too many women dealing with fertility challenges in silence in an environment where we are individually looked at as less of woman.

Yes, women are loving, strong, beautiful and our bodies are made to handle a growing baby for nine months. We're also, emotional, sensitive and in some cases in need of strength from others to stay strong.

With that said, I urge all women to please be someone's rock.

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Joyful moments are created........

One thing I’ve learned during my infertility journey is that joyful moments are created and are needed most especially during this period in my life. At one time, I was very upset with the thought of not bearing any children.  I’m in my mid-thirties and sometimes I get too wrapped up into thinking about that darn biological clock. The one thing I thought would be an easy accomplishment became a very challenging task.  So I decided to give up because I thought it was best for my sanity. But what I didn’t realize at the time, is giving up caused me to stop living, laughing and smiling. As a result, my infertility struggle grew worse.

The truth is there are going to be moments in our lives when we all come across at least one hurdle.  Infertility is my hurdle.  In other words, it’s a roadblock meant to deter, ultimately keeping you and I from our goals or causing us to fall into depression. I can’t say that I made it over my hurdle just yet, but I am more creative now and working towards it.  To be completely honest, I’m not trying to conceive any more.  The reason is because sometimes, I tend to put too much pressure on myself. I guess that’s the perfectionist inside me. No, I didn’t give up.  Instead, I decided to just live right now, make new friends, and create joyful moments before there’s a bundle of joy.

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To the extreme....

I often laugh at some of the things that crossed my mind when I was trying to get pregnant. At one time, I was willing to do anything. I thought about everything from traveling to Ripley's Believe or Not Museum to rub my hands on an African fertility statue to taking African yams. The story behind the yams is that they're supposed to increase fertility and your chances of having twins.  I figured why not try for twins. 

Sometimes when you're trying to conceive you're willing to go to the extreme.  I would spend hours on the internet looking for anything that could help me achieve my goal of becoming a parent. The idea of living without a children really freaked me out. The thought of being alone with my spouse saddened me. I thought one of us would eventually die, leaving the other to grow old alone. 

All kinds of thoughts would run across my mind until I started to change my mindset. "Is there life without children," I thought. How can I get over this hurdle and will people poke fun at my failure to conceive," were just a few of the questions that cluttered my brain. 

We never know why we're faced with challenges but one thing is certain how we handle them makes a difference. Today, I accept my life for what it is and looking to be more optimistic about my future as well as celebrate all of the other great things I have going on. 

Infertility isn't the end of the road. If anything it has taught me patience as well as endurance and that's the one important life lesson that we can all benefit from. 

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Healing broken wings

I never thought I would see this day. The day that I’d become comfortable with my “childless” status.  Some of us are groomed very young to be nurturers. We were even showered with countless dolls, subliminally sending the message that little girls will eventually become mothers.  We also hold onto hope that one day we’ll birth our very own baby. 

What happens when that’s not your story? How do you handle it and better yet how do you explain to others that you can still live a fulfilling life without children?

One thing I find important when doctors can’t explain why you’re having trouble conceiving a child is a support team.  You know the tight circle of friends that will keep you mentally strong. Three years ago having a support team never crossed my mind. I often thought, “There’s no one is my life that would understand this struggle.”

Surprisingly, there were quite a few people in my life that shared moments with me keeping me from falling into a dark depressing space.  That’s when I decided to re-examine my relationships with people.  I’ve always been a private person, opening up to very few people. Outsiders looking in would call me strong; others considered it being too guarded. I on the other hand considered my behavior cautious. So choosing folks to talk with about my “unexplained infertility” diagnosis and motherhood journey was not easy. 

We all know nothing in life is promised. There will be women who will never marry, birth children, have a career and so on.  It doesn’t help when people make you feel like a failure when you’re missing any of the above.   The reality is you’re simply not guaranteed those things in life. That doesn’t mean you haven’t prayed hard enough or that you’re cursed.  I’ve learned that the best thing to have is family or a set of friends that can offer a shoulder to cry on, a listening ear, or be that person who knows all the right things to say in order to keep you sane. 

While many of us struggling with infertility feel broken, there will come a time for healing but only if you allow it or form a support system to heal those broken wings.

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Infertility knows no race

I’ve never considered myself a selfish person until I encountered fertility challenges.  After several failed pregnancy attempts, my life became an emotional roller coaster.  I took infertility personal and at one point I felt alone.  I just couldn’t fully digest “unexplained infertility” because my doctor said there were no signs of a reproductive medical condition. 

It took a trip to the hospital for me to recognize my selfish ways thanks to a complete stranger.  “Do you have any children,” asked a nurse as she prepared me for surgery.  It was one of the coldest days of January and I was having a benign lump removed from my left breast.  I quickly replied, “No, I don’t have any children.”  Then the jovial nurse followed up with another personal question. “How old are you,” she asked. I answered and without hesitation she said, “I know what you’re going through, so don’t let it ruin your marriage.  He’s suffering too.” My husband had just stepped out of the room and I was alone with the nurse when she made that comment. However, at that very moment, it hit me that I’ve never thought how infertility affected my husband.  I only thought about myself and how it made me feel.

I don’t know how the nurse knew about my struggle but she certainly gave me something to think about. Maybe it was the way my husband and I looked at each other when questioned about children.  According to the nurse, her marriage nearly came to an end because of infertility. Fortunately, after five years of trying to conceive she eventually became pregnant.

Statistics show that 1 in 8 American couples struggle with infertility.  It’s a condition that’s just as familiar to men as it is to women.  The truth is none of us are alone especially if you’re in a relationship.  We are often surrounded by men and women who struggle daily with infertility. Why? Because it’s a condition that knows no race, sex, or age.  So let's raise awareness, and encourage more open discussion so couples aren't ashamed to walk in their truth. 

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Fertility Struggles? This song list may help.

No Less Than a Woman- (Lady Saw) I discovered this song during a day I needed encouragement the most. The reggae artists stresses that not having children doesn’t make you less than a woman. The message is a very comforting one. My favorite line: “I have so much love to give to so many unwanted kids.”

There’s Hope-(India Arie) This particular song has a melody that will instantly uplift you. No matter what you're going through, the musician behind this song encourages you to smile and reminds you to have hope.

Always-(Jessica Reedy Unplugged) The lyrics in this song are very inspirational, reminding listeners that “It won’t be like this Always, there will be better days.

Everything Is Everything-(Lauryn Hill) If it’s meant to be, it will be. Fertility Doctors will not have the last say. “Change comes eventually.”