Infertility gave me a purpose

Nearly five years later and still no baby. I hold up well most days. It's a life I had to get used to even though every once in awhile a pregnancy announcement takes me back to the period where I was desperate to have a baby.

Some couples really get creative with their pregnancy announcements. Then there's the couple that blurt out the joyful news. 

"I'm pregnant," I shouted in my head. Is that how I would deliver the news? At one time I used to daydream about how I would announce my pregnancy.  Those wishful moments kept me encouraged when I was trying to conceive.  Whatever the case, if I had the opportunity I would prefer to be creative with the announcement instead of blurting it out. 

Recently, that's exactly what happened to me. A friend during a phone conversation just randomly said, "I'm expecting another baby." I was caught off guard.  The soft outburst made me freeze, immediately causing my stomach to tighten and I quietly became filled with sadness. It was a feeling I haven't felt in awhile. Inwardly I screamed, "Why is this my life?"  

In a matter of seconds, I snapped back to reality and realized my friend was still on the phone. The silence may have confused her but I needed that moment before I replied, "That's great news. I'm so happy for you."  Three years earlier, my friend experienced fertility challenges. She eventually conceived naturally after a series of treatments. Now, she's pregnant with her second child. Again she conceived naturally after seeking fertility help. 

So many things were going through my mind during that phone call. I wanted to immediately end the conversation or at least scream to the top of my lungs to blow off steam.  I managed to stay on the phone though and smile but as soon as that call ended I went into deep thought. I began asking myself a series of questions. 

"Do you want children? Why do you want children? Are you seriously okay without having any children? What would your life be like right now if you achieved what you prayed for five years ago," are just a few of the questions that I've asked myself.  

Then it hit me. My infertility journey has changed me for the better. It has given me purpose and drive to encourage other women. In fact, I'm still learning too. The lesson is mostly about patience something that I truly lack at times. It's teaching me to think about other people and not myself which is often challenging for me. It's also teaching me that crying is normal and to be human around others. 

The truth is, my fertility challenges still takes me on an emotional roller coaster. The ride is ongoing but I wouldn't have it no other way. 

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5 easy steps to making a baby

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Childless doesn't mean sadness

There's nothing like feeling good and confident. I like to hold my head high when I walk. Sometimes I even like to flip my hair and look back at my life and smile. When I'm happy, I make sure I showcase my pearly whites.  Believe it not even as I struggle with unexplained infertility, I still manage to laugh, live and keep moving. I'm 5'3 but when my mood is good, I feel like a super model, strutting down the runway. Why not? It wasn't always this way though. I'm strong today because of those around me. However, every so often I have to fight to keep my happiness and even convince others that I'm in a good place. "No I don't want to hear what you believe is in my future," I shout inwardly as I roll my eyes each time I'm approached by someone who claims they know a baby is in my future.

I pick and choose who I decide to share my story with because I have trust issues when it comes to being completely transparent.  I don’t’ want to be reminded of things or have what I say thrown back in my face. But that’s what happened one day. I decided to open up to a friend. We’re like sisters and it felt good because I no longer had to dodge baby questions or pretend I was okay around her. However, during one of my happy moments, I received a phone call and it was from my dear friend. “Hey sis, I want to tell you something,” she said. I became excited and of course rushed her to share what was on her chest. “I was on the bus today and saw a woman who reminded me of you.  She was your twin and holding a baby boy,” she said.  Confused and not sure where she was going with the news, I quickly said, “Okay, I’m listening.” That’s when she shared that she believed the woman holding the baby was a sign and confirmation for her that I would be a mother of a baby boy. I began to become annoyed and immediately regretted opening up. Somehow, I smiled though and managed to share with her that it was nice she thought of me but not to feel sad about my situation or the need to give me false hope or happiness.

There’s something about women without children that make people think you need a hug, sympathy or my favorite unsolicited advice on how to get pregnant. I don’t walk around with my head hanging low, I'm strutting down the runway because I've already cried over my situation and my tears have run dry. "Trust me, I'm fine," I find myself saying this to others as they tear up when I share my story.

My thought is that it's not the end of the world. My family just looks different from yours. It's just my husband and I for now. Instead of children, I have a spoiled cat. So don't feel sorry for me, just be a friend and a good listener.  I’m childless and full of life.

Question: What kind of reaction do you get from people after sharing your fertility challenges?

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Conquering infertility

 "Yes, let's have a baby," I shouted with excitement. That was four years ago. I realized that as I drove my 4 year-old niece to my best friend's daughter birthday party. So many things raced across my mind then especially when I met one parent. She looked older but fit as she juggled two children at the gathering. The woman had a 1 year-old boy and 5 year-old girl. I was drawn to this particular parent mostly because of her age. Majority of the women I know became mothers in their early twenties and today they still look young with their teenage children. However, I knew that wasn't the case for this slender woman who appeared to be older with a very young spirit.  A spirit that I believed wasn't possible for women who had children late. I've come across so many self-proclaimed fertility experts that have been more discouraging than encouraging once they learn of my age. As I stared at this woman, I began to think that could be me. It was at that moment, I began to feel a sense of joy.

Fascinated with this woman's energy, I asked my friend about the woman.  "She's 44 years-old," my friend answered without hesitation. It's like my friend was reading my mind.  "That's seven years older than me," I said with amazement to myself. It was like my hope was suddenly restored.  I'm often back and forth when it comes to children because of my age. In fact, I feel like some days I should let go until I meet older parents who share their positive experiences.

Today, is a good day and I feel hopeful about what the future has in store for me.  Even if it's not motherhood, my hope is that others are encouraged as they continue to cope with their fertility challenges.  It's really important for those who conquer infertility to remain supportive as well and I can see myself doing just that even if my journey leads to motherhood.  In a weird way, I feel like infertility is my calling, and giving me a purpose. One thing is definitely not an option and that's losing hope.  

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Be someone's rock!

Just when I thought I was healed, the pain came back. It's always in my lower stomach and it feels as if someone is ripping through it. The gut wrenching pain is like no other pain I've experienced before. It used to come often especially when someone announced their pregnancy. At one time, everyone around me was popping up pregnant. Some who struggled with infertility and others were women who expressed no desire to have children. The announcements were destroying me physically and mentally. Thoughts of running away would come across my mind but I would always ask myself, "Where would I go?"

On the outside, I appear to have everything together. I'm married, a successful career woman and living in a working class community with a lot of land. Too much for a former city couple especially my husband who doesn't like spending hours on landscaping. "I can't blame him but the job must get done," I often express to others. However, deep inside, my heart hurts every time it beats. I feel useless some moments, usually during times when I'm forced to face my "childless" status. Pregnancy announcements remind me of my struggle with unexplained infertility. My husband and I tried consistently for about two years but pretty much given up hope and stopped trying for the last three years.  I was told, "That's when it will finally happen, the moment your mind is free and not thinking about children."

 "But is that true or something we tell others to help them cope," I wonder at times. I never thought those gut wrenching pains would come back because I thought I was healed after a flood of pregnancy announcements over the past few years. Unfortunately, I'm not and I guess I'm still learning to cope. Infertility is a daily struggle that I've somehow suppressed. In my community, women just don't talk about it. But from this point, I'm learning that I should and will talk.

Last night, my husband and I talked about our family planning journey for the first time in months. We've said inappropriate things and even shared a long stretch of laughter afterwards. That may not be the answer for couples but it certainly felt good to us. The bottom line is I want to heal and get to a point when I'm genuinely happy when expecting mothers share their good news.  Several celebrities have broken the silence on infertility and it's a step in the right direction but there's more work to be done. There are still too many women dealing with fertility challenges in silence in an environment where we are individually looked at as less of woman.

Yes, women are loving, strong, beautiful and our bodies are made to handle a growing baby for nine months. We're also, emotional, sensitive and in some cases in need of strength from others to stay strong.

With that said, I urge all women to please be someone's rock.

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Focus..........

The softest skin you'll ever touch and sweetest aroma you'll ever smell. That's what comes across my mind when I think of a baby.  The thought of being someone's protector, and comforter tickles me. I guess because in my mind I really would be a very great mother. The simple thought keeps me going especially when I start to obsess over children, think of baby names and pre-plan the most glamous baby shower in my head. I once thought becoming a mother would complete me. 

Then there's the thought that makes me wonder what makes me great without children? I often struggle with that question partly because of my fertility challenges. It's like a deep scar that I'd like to think is healing.  Unfortunately, fertility challenges have changed me, at least a part of my life where being ugly became my norm. It's no excuse but because of it I started to dislike almost everything around me, even pushing good people away. It's so easy to fall into a depression and count the things that go wrong. Instead of focusing on how great of a mother I believe I can be, maybe it's about time I shift my attention to bettering myself.  "How can I fully be the best mom ever, when infertility has brought out the worst in me," I've asked myself.  "Why do I have to wait for a child to love and how could birthing one make me the best person/mother when I have such a bad attitude," are two other questions I've posed. 

The truth is I don't have to wait until I become a mother and becoming one will not autimatically turn me into a more loving person. In fact, it won't work for anyone. Although infertility is no walk in the park, maybe it's a challenge for us to better ourselves, demonstrate patience or a reminder to not take things for granted.  I just might be tasked with achieving all three. Ha! 

Whatever you're struggling with, never think for one moment that your life is incomplete without a child, significant other or anything else. Start to train your mind to see the good in your situation. As for what makes me great now..... my blessings are just too many to count and so are yours. 

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Joyful moments are created........

One thing I’ve learned during my infertility journey is that joyful moments are created and are needed most especially during this period in my life. At one time, I was very upset with the thought of not bearing any children.  I’m in my mid-thirties and sometimes I get too wrapped up into thinking about that darn biological clock. The one thing I thought would be an easy accomplishment became a very challenging task.  So I decided to give up because I thought it was best for my sanity. But what I didn’t realize at the time, is giving up caused me to stop living, laughing and smiling. As a result, my infertility struggle grew worse.

The truth is there are going to be moments in our lives when we all come across at least one hurdle.  Infertility is my hurdle.  In other words, it’s a roadblock meant to deter, ultimately keeping you and I from our goals or causing us to fall into depression. I can’t say that I made it over my hurdle just yet, but I am more creative now and working towards it.  To be completely honest, I’m not trying to conceive any more.  The reason is because sometimes, I tend to put too much pressure on myself. I guess that’s the perfectionist inside me. No, I didn’t give up.  Instead, I decided to just live right now, make new friends, and create joyful moments before there’s a bundle of joy.

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To the extreme....

I often laugh at some of the things that crossed my mind when I was trying to get pregnant. At one time, I was willing to do anything. I thought about everything from traveling to Ripley's Believe or Not Museum to rub my hands on an African fertility statue to taking African yams. The story behind the yams is that they're supposed to increase fertility and your chances of having twins.  I figured why not try for twins. 

Sometimes when you're trying to conceive you're willing to go to the extreme.  I would spend hours on the internet looking for anything that could help me achieve my goal of becoming a parent. The idea of living without a children really freaked me out. The thought of being alone with my spouse saddened me. I thought one of us would eventually die, leaving the other to grow old alone. 

All kinds of thoughts would run across my mind until I started to change my mindset. "Is there life without children," I thought. How can I get over this hurdle and will people poke fun at my failure to conceive," were just a few of the questions that cluttered my brain. 

We never know why we're faced with challenges but one thing is certain how we handle them makes a difference. Today, I accept my life for what it is and looking to be more optimistic about my future as well as celebrate all of the other great things I have going on. 

Infertility isn't the end of the road. If anything it has taught me patience as well as endurance and that's the one important life lesson that we can all benefit from. 

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