One of my biggest fears is that people will gossip about my truth and or use it against me. Personally, unexplained infertility is a constant reminder that my life isn’t perfect.
Fertility Struggles? This song list may help.
No Less Than a Woman- (Lady Saw) I discovered this song during a day I needed encouragement the most. The reggae artists stresses that not having children doesn’t make you less than a woman. The message is a very comforting one. My favorite line: “I have so much love to give to so many unwanted kids.”
There’s Hope-(India Arie) This particular song has a melody that will instantly uplift you. No matter what you're going through, the musician behind this song encourages you to smile and reminds you to have hope.
Always-(Jessica Reedy Unplugged) The lyrics in this song are very inspirational, reminding listeners that “It won’t be like this Always, there will be better days.
Everything Is Everything-(Lauryn Hill) If it’s meant to be, it will be. Fertility Doctors will not have the last say. “Change comes eventually.”
Look at the bright side
It’s so easy to soak in sorrows and focus on the negative things in life. But why not look at the bright side. I came across a few memes that are absolutely hilarious to me. The memes poke at those women who have what most of the women in “Trying to Conceive community want and that is children. There are even a few memes that tickle me because they highlight some of the reactions childless women get from time to time.
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My dream baby....
It was a soft kiss and my eyes were closed. It felt so real but then I opened my eyes. I was dreaming. I’m not sure what the dream was about but somewhere in the dream a baby appeared. The kiss was from a chubby baby girl and she called me mommy. That was music to my ears. She also looked adorable with curly dark hair.
I’m not sure why I had that dream. Recently I decided that kids may not be for me. After trying to conceive and taking fertility treatments, I’m worn out. It doesn’t help that I’m always so tired from my day-to-day work routine. I also feel like time has passed me by especially as I quickly approach the tail end of my thirties. My decision came during a ride to a funeral. A very close friend of mine lost her brother and as I prepared myself to comfort her, I suddenly realized that maybe I should exercise being the best aunt I could be. She has two children and they both call me “auntie.”
It’s funny how life plays out sometimes. Although I’m the eldest of four children I never imagined hearing that word “aunt” before “mommy.” I thought my ears would be ringing in a good way of course from the word “mommy” by now. However, my friend’s children aren’t the only ones that call me “auntie.” One of my brothers has two children including a toddler who tickles me every time she says the name. She’s a soon to be four-year old and I love her more than I ever thought I could love. That’s probably because she was born during my trying-to-conceive period.
People often say there’s a meaning behind every dream. I often wonder what my dreams are telling me especially my dream about the mysterious baby. Whatever the message is I’m truly thankful to be the nurturer that I always knew was within me. Sure I’m not a nurturer to my own children, only to my many nieces and nephews and that’s the greatest feeling in the world.
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50 and Pregnant?
My husband told me the other day it doesn't matter if I'm 50 and pregnant, no matter what, he wants a child. To be honest, that freaked me out. "Is he crazy," I thought. I barely have enough energy at 36 years old to be chasing around a baby. I think someone has officially lost his mind. I understand some women are deciding to have children later on in life but that's something I've never imagined. "Is that being selfish?"
Although I never wanted to be a young mother, I've always thought that I would at least have a child by the time I hit 30 years old. I'm trying to ignore the ticking sound to my biological clock but it seems each year, the sound gets louder and more annoying. More so that sound comes from my friends. Surprisingly I really enjoy my childless lifestyle but there are days I daydream about babies. However, one thing I'm not dreaming about is being a mother at 50. I guess right now I'm between a rock and a hard place. I want a baby but I'm not open to having one too late in the game. I often wonder if age should be a determining factor for couples trying to conceive. For now, I rather take things day by day and learn to accept whatever blessings that may come my way even if it's not on my own timing.
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New Year. New Dreams. New Attitude!
I used to get depressed every month during the start of my menstrual cycle but now I look at it from a different perspective. It's now a reminder for me to keep trying to conceive. That's my attitude these days. When life knocks you down, get back up!
I must admit, it hasn't been an easy task especially when family and friends are convinced that after marriage there will be a baby carriage. Some couples will have the total package, but the reality is not every marriage will experience the baby carriage the traditional way. Sometimes, couples have to go another route to grow their families like adoption. Whatever the case, I've learned over the past three years not to allow anger and sadness to consume my life during this "trying to conceive" process.
A few weeks ago, a college friend shared some exciting news with me. "I'm pregnant," she exclaimed. Okay I rolled my eyes not because I was unhappy but because I'm human. I immediately thought, "It's happening again. Everyone is pregnant except for me." Then I suddenly challenged myself to not take her good news so personally. To be honest, she has no idea what I've been battling with inside. In fact, not many people can say they know what I've been going through because I've chosen not to share the most intimate details of my infertility journey. Unfortunately, I feel like some people just want to be in my business, are self-proclaimed experts who give bad advice, or false prophets confessing everything I want to hear. However, as I work on opening up to people, I've decided to be happy for my friend. Ultimately, her pregnancy is a blessing and worth celebrating. After all, her exciting news doesn't mean that I'm not blessed. I have plenty of things to celebrate too.
QUESTION: How do you cope with infertility? Share your story.
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The Best Childless Inspirational Tags in 2015
Persistence is always a challenge when you don't see results. Here are some of our very best Inspirational Childless Tags that got us through 2015.
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The Baby Dance: Have fun with it!
I love to dance. Sometimes I can be in the car and when a fun beat drops over the radio airwaves, I instantly start dancing. I don't care who is watching. It's funny because my husband is very reserved but once I start dancing, all of sudden he breaks out dancing too. We just love to have fun and it shows once we hit the dance floor.
Fun is how the baby dance started for us. Once we started trying to conceive, it was exciting. I couldn’t keep my mind off babies. I became so obsessed that I even created a baby registry online. I was certain it would only be a matter of time before I became pregnant. I also searched for baby names online and saved a few to my “favorites” list. But when months turned into years the baby dance became work. As a result, I became frustrated. "How much time should we dedicate to the baby dance," I thought. I began to question everything about conceiving a child which I always thought was an easy task. However, I later realized it’s not about the time you spend trying to conceive a child, it’s more about the enjoyment. One thing I believe couples can do wrong when it comes to the baby dance is turn it into work. That's what we became guilty of when we created a schedule and tried adopting methods that shifted us from spontaneous baby dancing to a fertility system. The last thing I wanted to do was turn my sex life into a job. I eventually became a fertility robot always high strung about taking folic acid and tracking my ovulation dates. I lost sight of the fun and became addicted to producing results. Mostly because I’m a thirty-something year old woman who feel rushed because of this annoying ticking sound from my biological clock.
To date, I’m not pregnant. Fertility doctors can’t explain why it hasn’t happen. It’s a diagnosis called “Unexplained Infertility” that many women like myself have to live with. We’re perfectly healthy with no signs of fertility problems. “Maybe you’re stressed,” said doctors. The more I think about things, maybe I am stressed because I put myself on a schedule to get pregnant. Time passes us by too fast to be worrying about schedules, so why waste it. So for now, I’m ready to live in moment, ditch the schedule and just dance.
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THINK before you ask......
When are you having a baby? Are you pregnant? Do you want children? Those are just a few of the questions I’ve heard since getting married. Sure they all seem like routine innocent questions but to any woman trying to conceive, those questions can come off a bit rude, insensitive and offensive.
“What’s up with all the questions,” the small voice usually screams in my head. You see as a little girl, I would always dream about making my parents happy. A few of the goals I’ve accomplished was graduating from college, climbing the ranks in my career, and getting married. Another goal was to get pregnant and grow a healthy successful family of my own. To date, I have everything except the baby. However, I put enough pressure on myself thinking about conceiving a child and the load of questions from others don’t help my sanity at all. As I quickly approach my late thirties, I find myself running out of excuses when dodging “baby” questions. “Why do I dance around those questions?” The answer is fear of being judged and being the focus of one’s gossip.
The truth is I am a Black woman who is childless. I have no idea why this is my story. This is something I did not choose for myself but I’m learning to live this truth and embrace my situation. No, I’m not cursed. No, I’m not a sad story because I don’t have children. Finally, No I’m not miserable. I’m only sensitive to the subject when people bombard me with questions and add their two cents about my childless situation. I know I’m not alone. I’m sure this hits close to home to women of all races plagued by fertility challenges. My hope is that as I accept my truth, I encourage others to walk in their truths. This is the season when many of us on the journey to conceive are flooded with “baby” questions. On Thanksgiving, I reminded myself to just be thankful not just for a moment but every single day. What ever you celebrate, don’t let those family gatherings this year take a terrible turn because of the overwhelming amount of baby questions. “Hold your head up high,” I scream. Answer those questions and stand firm in your truth.
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Cope. Smile. Fight Infertility
Whether you’re twenty, thirty or forty-something infertility can be tough whether explained or unexplained. However, there are ways to cope and to help women deal with the emotional roller coaster ride. I often felt alone until I started to do a little bit of research. Did you know that 6% percent of married women in the United States struggle to get pregnant after one year of unprotected sex? Also, about 12% of American women encounter challenges to get pregnant regardless of marital status. To my surprise infertility isn’t just a woman’s problem; it’s also a condition that many men experience as well. Although I continue to struggle with who I decide to share my personal story with, keeping a journal and following a few quick tips have helped me tremendously.
1. EDUCATE YOURSELF-When it comes to trying to conceive, people tend to think that it’s an easy task. But it takes more than just sex. Women and men should prepare their bodies. First, start taking vitamins and change your eating habits. It also helps to get to know your cycle by keeping record and tracking your ovulation days. As a result, I can tell when I’m ovulating and the slight discomfort for me usually indicates which side of my Fallopian tube will release an egg.
2. JOIN A SUPPORT GROUP-This was one of the best things I have done thus far. I have such a strong support system when it comes to dealing with infertility now. In fact, I consider many of the people friends because they have helped me smile during a time that appeared nothing but gloomy. So what are you waiting for? Start looking at local groups you can connect with. In the meantime, follow Give Me A Ring and A Baby on Facebook, Instagram (Give_Me_A_Ring_And_A_Baby) or @ringandbaby on Twitter to meet women online struggling with infertility too.
3. ADOPT HEALTHY HABITS-Drop the stress, stop worrying and relax. Keep your life simple by trying not to think about that intimacy time with your spouse as a job. Although it may appear that way because you have to put in a lot of work for that bundle of joy, continue to enjoy your spouse. Take a different approach and try to spice up things in the bedroom with roses, music and little role play…….Hint. Hint.
4. PAMPER YOURSELF-Go to the salon, do a little shopping and take your mind off the baby by indulging in some “ME” time. Sure, the goal is to get pregnant but learn to spend a little time on your mind, body and soul. Trying to conceive should be a fun experience not a time consuming one where you lose sight of yourself.
5. EXPLORE YOUR OPTIONS-Seek professional help and find yourself a fertility doctor. If you have already done so, try thinking about adoption. I would love to give birth to a baby but if that’s not a part of my written story then I would embrace the opportunity to nurture a child through adoption. Just because you decide to explore options such as adoption, that does not mean you’re giving up on the possibility of having a child of your own.