Healing broken wings

I never thought I would see this day. The day that I’d become comfortable with my “childless” status.  Some of us are groomed very young to be nurturers. We were even showered with countless dolls, subliminally sending the message that little girls will eventually become mothers.  We also hold onto hope that one day we’ll birth our very own baby. 

What happens when that’s not your story? How do you handle it and better yet how do you explain to others that you can still live a fulfilling life without children?

One thing I find important when doctors can’t explain why you’re having trouble conceiving a child is a support team.  You know the tight circle of friends that will keep you mentally strong. Three years ago having a support team never crossed my mind. I often thought, “There’s no one is my life that would understand this struggle.”

Surprisingly, there were quite a few people in my life that shared moments with me keeping me from falling into a dark depressing space.  That’s when I decided to re-examine my relationships with people.  I’ve always been a private person, opening up to very few people. Outsiders looking in would call me strong; others considered it being too guarded. I on the other hand considered my behavior cautious. So choosing folks to talk with about my “unexplained infertility” diagnosis and motherhood journey was not easy. 

We all know nothing in life is promised. There will be women who will never marry, birth children, have a career and so on.  It doesn’t help when people make you feel like a failure when you’re missing any of the above.   The reality is you’re simply not guaranteed those things in life. That doesn’t mean you haven’t prayed hard enough or that you’re cursed.  I’ve learned that the best thing to have is family or a set of friends that can offer a shoulder to cry on, a listening ear, or be that person who knows all the right things to say in order to keep you sane. 

While many of us struggling with infertility feel broken, there will come a time for healing but only if you allow it or form a support system to heal those broken wings.

CLICK TITLE TO LEAVE A COMMENT

Infertility knows no race

I’ve never considered myself a selfish person until I encountered fertility challenges.  After several failed pregnancy attempts, my life became an emotional roller coaster.  I took infertility personal and at one point I felt alone.  I just couldn’t fully digest “unexplained infertility” because my doctor said there were no signs of a reproductive medical condition. 

It took a trip to the hospital for me to recognize my selfish ways thanks to a complete stranger.  “Do you have any children,” asked a nurse as she prepared me for surgery.  It was one of the coldest days of January and I was having a benign lump removed from my left breast.  I quickly replied, “No, I don’t have any children.”  Then the jovial nurse followed up with another personal question. “How old are you,” she asked. I answered and without hesitation she said, “I know what you’re going through, so don’t let it ruin your marriage.  He’s suffering too.” My husband had just stepped out of the room and I was alone with the nurse when she made that comment. However, at that very moment, it hit me that I’ve never thought how infertility affected my husband.  I only thought about myself and how it made me feel.

I don’t know how the nurse knew about my struggle but she certainly gave me something to think about. Maybe it was the way my husband and I looked at each other when questioned about children.  According to the nurse, her marriage nearly came to an end because of infertility. Fortunately, after five years of trying to conceive she eventually became pregnant.

Statistics show that 1 in 8 American couples struggle with infertility.  It’s a condition that’s just as familiar to men as it is to women.  The truth is none of us are alone especially if you’re in a relationship.  We are often surrounded by men and women who struggle daily with infertility. Why? Because it’s a condition that knows no race, sex, or age.  So let's raise awareness, and encourage more open discussion so couples aren't ashamed to walk in their truth. 

CLICK TITLE TO LEAVE A COMMENT

Fertility Struggles? This song list may help.

No Less Than a Woman- (Lady Saw) I discovered this song during a day I needed encouragement the most. The reggae artists stresses that not having children doesn’t make you less than a woman. The message is a very comforting one. My favorite line: “I have so much love to give to so many unwanted kids.”

There’s Hope-(India Arie) This particular song has a melody that will instantly uplift you. No matter what you're going through, the musician behind this song encourages you to smile and reminds you to have hope.

Always-(Jessica Reedy Unplugged) The lyrics in this song are very inspirational, reminding listeners that “It won’t be like this Always, there will be better days.

Everything Is Everything-(Lauryn Hill) If it’s meant to be, it will be. Fertility Doctors will not have the last say. “Change comes eventually.”

My dream baby....

It was a soft kiss and my eyes were closed. It felt so real but then I opened my eyes.   I was dreaming. I’m not sure what the dream was about but somewhere in the dream a baby appeared. The kiss was from a chubby baby girl and she called me mommy.  That was music to my ears. She also looked adorable with curly dark hair. 

I’m not sure why I had that dream. Recently I decided that kids may not be for me. After trying to conceive and taking fertility treatments, I’m worn out. It doesn’t help that I’m always so tired from my day-to-day work routine.  I also feel like time has passed me by especially as I quickly approach the tail end of my thirties. My decision came during a ride to a funeral. A very close friend of mine lost her brother and as I prepared myself to comfort her, I suddenly realized that maybe I should exercise being the best aunt I could be. She has two children and they both call me “auntie.”  

It’s funny how life plays out sometimes. Although I’m the eldest of four children I never imagined hearing that word “aunt” before “mommy.”  I thought my ears would be ringing in a good way of course from the word “mommy” by now. However, my friend’s children aren’t the only ones that call me “auntie.”  One of my brothers has two children including a toddler who tickles me every time she says the name. She’s a soon to be four-year old and I love her more than I ever thought I could love. That’s probably because she was born during my trying-to-conceive period. 

People often say there’s a meaning behind every dream.  I often wonder what my dreams are telling me especially my dream about the mysterious baby. Whatever the message is I’m truly thankful to be the nurturer that I always knew was within me. Sure I’m not a nurturer to my own children, only to my many nieces and nephews and that’s the greatest feeling in the world.

CLICK TITLE TO LEAVE A COMMENT

50 and Pregnant?

My husband told me the other day it doesn't matter if I'm 50 and pregnant, no matter what, he wants a child. To be honest, that freaked me out. "Is he crazy," I thought.  I barely have enough energy at 36 years old to be chasing around a baby.  I think someone has officially lost his mind. I understand some women are deciding to have children later on in life but that's something I've never imagined. "Is that being selfish?"  

Although I never wanted to be a young mother, I've always thought that I would at least have a child by the time I hit 30 years old.  I'm trying to ignore the ticking sound to my biological clock but it seems each year, the sound gets louder and more annoying.  More so that sound comes from my friends. Surprisingly I really enjoy my childless lifestyle but there are days I daydream about babies. However, one thing I'm not dreaming about is being a mother at 50. I guess right now I'm between a rock and a hard place. I want a baby but I'm not open to having one too late in the game. I often wonder if age should be a determining factor for couples trying to conceive. For now, I rather take things day by day and learn to accept whatever blessings that may come my way even if it's not on my own timing. 

CLICK TITLE TO LEAVE A COMMENT

New Year. New Dreams. New Attitude!

I used to get depressed every month during the start of my menstrual cycle but now I look at it from a different perspective. It's now a reminder for me to keep trying to conceive. That's my attitude these days. When life knocks you down, get back up!  

I must admit, it hasn't been an easy task especially when family and friends are convinced that after marriage there will be a baby carriage. Some couples will have the total package, but the reality is not every marriage will experience the baby carriage the traditional way. Sometimes, couples have to go another route to grow their families like adoption. Whatever the case, I've learned over the past three years not to allow anger and sadness to consume my life during this "trying to conceive" process.  

A few weeks ago, a college friend shared some exciting news with me. "I'm pregnant," she exclaimed. Okay I rolled my eyes not because I was unhappy but because I'm human. I immediately thought, "It's happening again. Everyone is pregnant except for me."  Then I suddenly challenged myself to not take her good news so personally. To be honest, she has no idea what I've been battling with inside. In fact, not many people can say they know what I've been going through because I've chosen not to share the most intimate details of my infertility journey.  Unfortunately, I feel like some people just want to be in my business, are self-proclaimed experts who give bad advice, or false prophets confessing everything I want to hear.  However, as I work on opening up to people, I've decided to be happy for my friend. Ultimately, her pregnancy is a blessing and worth celebrating.  After all, her exciting news doesn't mean that I'm not blessed. I have plenty of things to celebrate too. 

QUESTION: How do you cope with infertility? Share your story. 

CLICK TITLE TO LEAVE A COMMENT

The Best Childless Inspirational Tags in 2015

Persistence is always a challenge when you don't see results. Here are some of our very best Inspirational Childless Tags that got us through 2015.

CLICK TITLE TO LEAVE A COMMENT

The Baby Dance: Have fun with it!

I love to dance. Sometimes I can be in the car and when a fun beat drops over the radio airwaves, I instantly start dancing. I don't care who is watching. It's funny because my husband is very reserved but once I start dancing, all of sudden he breaks out dancing too. We just love to have fun and it shows once we hit the dance floor.

Fun is how the baby dance started for us. Once we started trying to conceive, it was exciting. I couldn’t keep my mind off babies. I became so obsessed that I even created a baby registry online. I was certain it would only be a matter of time before I became pregnant. I also searched for baby names online and saved a few to my “favorites” list. But when months turned into years the baby dance became work.  As a result, I became frustrated. "How much time should we dedicate to the baby dance," I thought. I began to question everything about conceiving a child which I always thought was an easy task.  However, I later realized it’s not about the time you spend trying to conceive a child, it’s more about the enjoyment. One thing I believe couples can do wrong when it comes to the baby dance is turn it into work. That's what we became guilty of when we created a schedule and tried adopting methods that shifted us from spontaneous baby dancing to a fertility system. The last thing I wanted to do was turn my sex life into a job. I eventually became a fertility robot always high strung about taking folic acid and tracking my ovulation dates. I lost sight of the fun and became addicted to producing results. Mostly because I’m a thirty-something year old woman who feel rushed because of this annoying ticking sound from my biological clock.

To date, I’m not pregnant. Fertility doctors can’t explain why it hasn’t happen. It’s a diagnosis called “Unexplained Infertility” that many women like myself have to live with. We’re perfectly healthy with no signs of fertility problems.  “Maybe you’re stressed,” said doctors. The more I think about things, maybe I am stressed because I put myself on a schedule to get pregnant.  Time passes us by too fast to be worrying about schedules, so why waste it. So for now, I’m ready to live in moment, ditch the schedule and just dance.

CLICK TITLE TO LEAVE A COMMENT

THINK before you ask......

When are you having a baby? Are you pregnant? Do you want children? Those are just a few of the questions I’ve heard since getting married. Sure they all seem like routine innocent questions but to any woman trying to conceive, those questions can come off a bit rude, insensitive and offensive.

“What’s up with all the questions,” the small voice usually screams in my head. You see as a little girl, I would always dream about making my parents happy. A few of the goals I’ve accomplished was graduating from college, climbing the ranks in my career, and getting married. Another goal was to get pregnant and grow a healthy successful family of my own. To date, I have everything except the baby. However, I put enough pressure on myself thinking about conceiving a child and the load of questions from others don’t help my sanity at all. As I quickly approach my late thirties, I find myself running out of excuses when dodging “baby” questions. “Why do I dance around those questions?” The answer is fear of being judged and being the focus of one’s gossip.

The truth is I am a Black woman who is childless. I have no idea why this is my story. This is something I did not choose for myself but I’m learning to live this truth and embrace my situation. No, I’m not cursed. No, I’m not a sad story because I don’t have children.  Finally, No I’m not miserable. I’m only sensitive to the subject when people bombard me with questions and add their two cents about my childless situation. I know I’m not alone. I’m sure this hits close to home to women of all races plagued by fertility challenges. My hope is that as I accept my truth, I encourage others to walk in their truths. This is the season when many of us on the journey to conceive are flooded with “baby” questions. On Thanksgiving, I reminded myself to just be thankful not just for a moment but every single day. What ever you celebrate, don’t let those family gatherings this year take a terrible turn because of the overwhelming amount of baby questions.  “Hold your head up high,” I scream. Answer those questions and stand firm in your truth.

CLICK TITLE TO LEAVE A COMMENT