My dream baby....

It was a soft kiss and my eyes were closed. It felt so real but then I opened my eyes.   I was dreaming. I’m not sure what the dream was about but somewhere in the dream a baby appeared. The kiss was from a chubby baby girl and she called me mommy.  That was music to my ears. She also looked adorable with curly dark hair. 

I’m not sure why I had that dream. Recently I decided that kids may not be for me. After trying to conceive and taking fertility treatments, I’m worn out. It doesn’t help that I’m always so tired from my day-to-day work routine.  I also feel like time has passed me by especially as I quickly approach the tail end of my thirties. My decision came during a ride to a funeral. A very close friend of mine lost her brother and as I prepared myself to comfort her, I suddenly realized that maybe I should exercise being the best aunt I could be. She has two children and they both call me “auntie.”  

It’s funny how life plays out sometimes. Although I’m the eldest of four children I never imagined hearing that word “aunt” before “mommy.”  I thought my ears would be ringing in a good way of course from the word “mommy” by now. However, my friend’s children aren’t the only ones that call me “auntie.”  One of my brothers has two children including a toddler who tickles me every time she says the name. She’s a soon to be four-year old and I love her more than I ever thought I could love. That’s probably because she was born during my trying-to-conceive period. 

People often say there’s a meaning behind every dream.  I often wonder what my dreams are telling me especially my dream about the mysterious baby. Whatever the message is I’m truly thankful to be the nurturer that I always knew was within me. Sure I’m not a nurturer to my own children, only to my many nieces and nephews and that’s the greatest feeling in the world.

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50 and Pregnant?

My husband told me the other day it doesn't matter if I'm 50 and pregnant, no matter what, he wants a child. To be honest, that freaked me out. "Is he crazy," I thought.  I barely have enough energy at 36 years old to be chasing around a baby.  I think someone has officially lost his mind. I understand some women are deciding to have children later on in life but that's something I've never imagined. "Is that being selfish?"  

Although I never wanted to be a young mother, I've always thought that I would at least have a child by the time I hit 30 years old.  I'm trying to ignore the ticking sound to my biological clock but it seems each year, the sound gets louder and more annoying.  More so that sound comes from my friends. Surprisingly I really enjoy my childless lifestyle but there are days I daydream about babies. However, one thing I'm not dreaming about is being a mother at 50. I guess right now I'm between a rock and a hard place. I want a baby but I'm not open to having one too late in the game. I often wonder if age should be a determining factor for couples trying to conceive. For now, I rather take things day by day and learn to accept whatever blessings that may come my way even if it's not on my own timing. 

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New Year. New Dreams. New Attitude!

I used to get depressed every month during the start of my menstrual cycle but now I look at it from a different perspective. It's now a reminder for me to keep trying to conceive. That's my attitude these days. When life knocks you down, get back up!  

I must admit, it hasn't been an easy task especially when family and friends are convinced that after marriage there will be a baby carriage. Some couples will have the total package, but the reality is not every marriage will experience the baby carriage the traditional way. Sometimes, couples have to go another route to grow their families like adoption. Whatever the case, I've learned over the past three years not to allow anger and sadness to consume my life during this "trying to conceive" process.  

A few weeks ago, a college friend shared some exciting news with me. "I'm pregnant," she exclaimed. Okay I rolled my eyes not because I was unhappy but because I'm human. I immediately thought, "It's happening again. Everyone is pregnant except for me."  Then I suddenly challenged myself to not take her good news so personally. To be honest, she has no idea what I've been battling with inside. In fact, not many people can say they know what I've been going through because I've chosen not to share the most intimate details of my infertility journey.  Unfortunately, I feel like some people just want to be in my business, are self-proclaimed experts who give bad advice, or false prophets confessing everything I want to hear.  However, as I work on opening up to people, I've decided to be happy for my friend. Ultimately, her pregnancy is a blessing and worth celebrating.  After all, her exciting news doesn't mean that I'm not blessed. I have plenty of things to celebrate too. 

QUESTION: How do you cope with infertility? Share your story. 

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The Best Childless Inspirational Tags in 2015

Persistence is always a challenge when you don't see results. Here are some of our very best Inspirational Childless Tags that got us through 2015.

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The Baby Dance: Have fun with it!

I love to dance. Sometimes I can be in the car and when a fun beat drops over the radio airwaves, I instantly start dancing. I don't care who is watching. It's funny because my husband is very reserved but once I start dancing, all of sudden he breaks out dancing too. We just love to have fun and it shows once we hit the dance floor.

Fun is how the baby dance started for us. Once we started trying to conceive, it was exciting. I couldn’t keep my mind off babies. I became so obsessed that I even created a baby registry online. I was certain it would only be a matter of time before I became pregnant. I also searched for baby names online and saved a few to my “favorites” list. But when months turned into years the baby dance became work.  As a result, I became frustrated. "How much time should we dedicate to the baby dance," I thought. I began to question everything about conceiving a child which I always thought was an easy task.  However, I later realized it’s not about the time you spend trying to conceive a child, it’s more about the enjoyment. One thing I believe couples can do wrong when it comes to the baby dance is turn it into work. That's what we became guilty of when we created a schedule and tried adopting methods that shifted us from spontaneous baby dancing to a fertility system. The last thing I wanted to do was turn my sex life into a job. I eventually became a fertility robot always high strung about taking folic acid and tracking my ovulation dates. I lost sight of the fun and became addicted to producing results. Mostly because I’m a thirty-something year old woman who feel rushed because of this annoying ticking sound from my biological clock.

To date, I’m not pregnant. Fertility doctors can’t explain why it hasn’t happen. It’s a diagnosis called “Unexplained Infertility” that many women like myself have to live with. We’re perfectly healthy with no signs of fertility problems.  “Maybe you’re stressed,” said doctors. The more I think about things, maybe I am stressed because I put myself on a schedule to get pregnant.  Time passes us by too fast to be worrying about schedules, so why waste it. So for now, I’m ready to live in moment, ditch the schedule and just dance.

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THINK before you ask......

When are you having a baby? Are you pregnant? Do you want children? Those are just a few of the questions I’ve heard since getting married. Sure they all seem like routine innocent questions but to any woman trying to conceive, those questions can come off a bit rude, insensitive and offensive.

“What’s up with all the questions,” the small voice usually screams in my head. You see as a little girl, I would always dream about making my parents happy. A few of the goals I’ve accomplished was graduating from college, climbing the ranks in my career, and getting married. Another goal was to get pregnant and grow a healthy successful family of my own. To date, I have everything except the baby. However, I put enough pressure on myself thinking about conceiving a child and the load of questions from others don’t help my sanity at all. As I quickly approach my late thirties, I find myself running out of excuses when dodging “baby” questions. “Why do I dance around those questions?” The answer is fear of being judged and being the focus of one’s gossip.

The truth is I am a Black woman who is childless. I have no idea why this is my story. This is something I did not choose for myself but I’m learning to live this truth and embrace my situation. No, I’m not cursed. No, I’m not a sad story because I don’t have children.  Finally, No I’m not miserable. I’m only sensitive to the subject when people bombard me with questions and add their two cents about my childless situation. I know I’m not alone. I’m sure this hits close to home to women of all races plagued by fertility challenges. My hope is that as I accept my truth, I encourage others to walk in their truths. This is the season when many of us on the journey to conceive are flooded with “baby” questions. On Thanksgiving, I reminded myself to just be thankful not just for a moment but every single day. What ever you celebrate, don’t let those family gatherings this year take a terrible turn because of the overwhelming amount of baby questions.  “Hold your head up high,” I scream. Answer those questions and stand firm in your truth.

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Cope. Smile. Fight Infertility

Whether you’re twenty, thirty or forty-something infertility can be tough whether explained or unexplained. However, there are ways to cope and to help women deal with the emotional roller coaster ride. I often felt alone until I started to do a little bit of research.  Did you know that 6% percent of married women in the United States struggle to get pregnant after one year of unprotected sex?  Also, about 12% of American women encounter challenges to get pregnant regardless of marital status. To my surprise infertility isn’t just a woman’s problem; it’s also a condition that many men experience as well. Although I continue to struggle with who I decide to share my personal story with, keeping a journal and following a few quick tips have helped me tremendously. 

1.       EDUCATE YOURSELF-When it comes to trying to conceive, people tend to think that it’s an easy task. But it takes more than just sex. Women and men should prepare their bodies. First, start taking vitamins and change your eating habits.  It also helps to get to know your cycle by keeping record and tracking your ovulation days.  As a result, I can tell when I’m ovulating and the slight discomfort for me usually indicates which side of my Fallopian tube will release an egg.

2.      JOIN A SUPPORT GROUP-This was one of the best things I have done thus far. I have such a strong support system when it comes to dealing with infertility now. In fact, I consider many of the people friends because they have helped me smile during a time that appeared nothing but gloomy. So what are you waiting for? Start looking at local groups you can connect with. In the meantime, follow Give Me A Ring and A Baby on Facebook, Instagram (Give_Me­_A_Ring_And_A_Baby) or @ringandbaby on Twitter to meet women online struggling with infertility too.

3.      ADOPT HEALTHY HABITS-Drop the stress, stop worrying and relax.  Keep your life simple by trying not to think about that intimacy time with your spouse as a job.  Although it may appear that way because you have to put in a lot of work for that bundle of joy, continue to enjoy your spouse. Take a different approach and try to spice up things in the bedroom with roses, music and little role play…….Hint. Hint.

4.      PAMPER YOURSELF-Go to the salon, do a little shopping and take your mind off the baby by indulging in some “ME” time.  Sure, the goal is to get pregnant but learn to spend a little time on your mind, body and soul. Trying to conceive should be a fun experience not a time consuming one where you lose sight of yourself.

5.   EXPLORE YOUR OPTIONS-Seek professional help and find yourself a fertility doctor. If you have already done so, try thinking about adoption. I would love to give birth to a baby but if that’s not a part of my written story then I would embrace the opportunity to nurture a child through adoption.  Just because you decide to explore options such as adoption, that does not mean you’re giving up on the possibility of having a child of your own.

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Motherhood takes patience

If it takes patience to be a mother then it must takes patience on the road to becoming a mother.  That's a hard pill to swallow for someone like myself who lacks patience but I'm working on it. And I know I'm not alone. While some of my friends are sending their children off to high school, I'm still on the journey to conceive. I'm not actively trying like I was in the past but if it happens, I would embrace the opportunity to be a mom.

In just a few weeks, I'll be heading into the age range where women experience more difficulty getting pregnant. A scary reality I must face. However, I'm always reminded by family and friends that a baby is in my future. One of my closet friends said to me that she had a relative who didn't conceive until age 50, and that I should remain patient. "You mean to tell me, I may have to wait until 50," I frantically thought. Should I even try for that long? 

Whatever the case, I'm learning that patience isn't an overnight process.  I don't know about you but I strongly believe that's my lesson during this particular chapter of my life. How many people can actually say they mastered patience?  I'm the kind of person who wants what she wants now.  Unfortunately my "now" has turned into years of waiting for a miracle baby. According to doctors, it's unexplained infertility and my parents just believe motherhood hasn't happened yet due to stress. Other family members point to the men in the family because conceiving appears to be a familiar challenge.  As for myself, I think there's something bigger and of course a greater message behind my fertility challenges.  

In fact, each time I hear about someone's fertility challenges and all the money some couples spend to conceive just to end up pregnant naturally, I start to look forward to sharing one of those "miracle" stories as well.  A few weeks ago, my cousin who suffered from PCOS said after medical treatment and completing adoption classes, she reluctantly took a pregnancy test one day after feeling sick.  To her surprise she was pregnant. Now she has a two year old daughter. 

"I believe there is more to conceiving than medical treatment! Yes, it does work for some but for those that it doesn't.....Don't give up," she said. 

Sure it's normal to feel as time passes there's no hope but my cousin said it best, DON'T GIVE UP!  Although I've never imagined fertility challenges to be a part of my story, each passing month, I suddenly feel stronger and willing to "patiently" wait.  

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Childless doesn't make you less of a woman

Some days I like to let my imagination run wild. I like to browse the baby section in stores or surf the internet for baby names. There are actually moments, I can see myself with a baby.

But then there are days I try not to think about those things. Sometimes, I also try to avoid events hosted by my peers who have children because of all the baby talk. 

It's something about those unsuccessful attempts while trying to conceive that plays with your mind. You sort of feel less of a woman especially when it seems like everyone around is suddenly expecting a child.  You start to feel that family just won't understand your situation, so why bother sharing your darkest moments. 

I remember the first year, my husband and I started working on a child. It was after our two year wedding anniversary and at that point we were ready for parenthood. It seemed like every month we tried, we would get a new pregnancy announcement. That year at least six couples were expecting. "Is this a joke? If so, I'm not laughing," I thought. The following year, another four shared their pregnancies with my husband and I. We were genuinely happy for those around us but it started to get weird because we felt as if we were missing out on life as a childless couple. 

At one point, I felt cheated. But then one of those pregnancy announcements turned out to be one of the biggest blessings in my life. That blessing was my niece. Although I thought as the eldest of my siblings I should have been the first to get pregnant, the moment I saw her, those feelings literally disappeared. She took my breath away. A very dear friend of mine added to my warm feelings when she called me on Mother's Day years later. Who would have thought a phone call on a day I started to dread would also change my life. The name on my cell phone was a familiar one so I picked up. "Happy Mother's Day," shouted my friend. Confused, I respectively replied, "I'm not a mother but thank you." My friend then went on to explain her greeting and said, "As you celebrate your mother remember YOU will have encounters where God will bless you to be a nurturer too to many others."  I was intrigued and immediately thought about my instant connection to my niece. Her words truly left a positive impression on me. I thought to myself that my fertility challenges don't make me less of a woman. In fact, being childless simply means I just have more love to give. 

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How bad do you want to be a mother?

To be pregnant or Not to be pregnant, that is the question. A very close friend of mine asked me one day during one of my rants, "How bad do you want to be a mother?" The question sort of caught me off guard. I immediately thought, "I don't know." She had a very good reason for the question and it was something I never actually thought about. It was Adoption!

According to the Adoption and Foster Care Analysis and Reporting System there were more than 400,000 children waiting to get adopted around this time last year. That's heartbreaking and still is a very tough decision for someone, like myself, who always dreamed of having a child from her own womb. To be honest, adoption never seemed to be an option. So many things kept me from fully exploring that avenue. First, "How do I explain an infant without pregnancy pictures?" Another thing that haunts me is, "Will people consider me LESS than a woman because I didn't give birth to this child?" Those reasons may sound crazy to you but they're hard to erase out of my head. My husband has certainly shot down the idea of adoption but that's because I think he's not educated on the subject.

One thing my friend did by posing that question is make me look at motherhood from a different perspective. Sure it would be nice to have children, genetically connected to my spouse but how bad do I want to be a mother? Do I just want to be pregnant or do I want to nurture a child and provide a loving home? It would really be nice to do both actually. Today, I can't say that I'm moving in the direction of adoption right now but my friend definitely sparked something in me that I'm sure to explore further. I'll never know why I'm faced with the challenge of 'Unexplained Infertility' and what lesson I'm supposed to take from it. Whatever the case, I have so much love to give and look forward to motherhood whether it's through natural childbearing or adoption.

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